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I have a FWB relationship with my best friend, but I want more

Tagged as: Friends, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2010)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm in a FWB relationship. Now let me be honest, it isn't a casual acquaintance, he's my very best friend and we hang out almost daily, call to say goodnight, share a bed etc even when we are not having sex.

Recently I've been thinking that unless it goes further or he's willing to make some form of commitment to me, I want the sex to stop. I mean I like it and it's not that I want a full blown relationship I just think maybe my self respect has slipped. I believed that having sex with him was fine because it isn't un-loving or anything and tbh he treats me far better than any relationship I've ever been in... but truth is he can tachnically drop me and run to any girl he feels without consideration for me and that's what bothers me.

I'm pretty, smart, successful and caring and he's the one that constantly tells me how many guys are into me and what a catch I am, so I don't deserve to be anyones second best, not even his... sometimes I just feel like a filler for him until someone better comes along.

We're from a religiouys community where most people are not open to sex before marriage.

I'd like to tell him it should stop but I don't know how. I don't want to sound like I'm asking for a relationship as he's adamant he doesn't want a girlfriend. I also don't want to sound like I'm rejecting his friendship, there's nothing I love more than hanging out with him.

I found something that suggested he'd been sleeping with someone else and casually asked him about it. He explained it but it really shook me up how hurt I felt.

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A female reader, LLindy87 United States +, writes (18 May 2010):

LLindy87 agony auntPeople victimize the woman too much in these situations, it takes two consenting adults to decide to sleep together and if you both didn't want relationships from the get go then that was the deal to be FWB. Of course, you said you want more. So you have to tell him but be prepared for rejection. However...that doesn't always happen that way. More often than not, but sometimes a relationship does bloom out of that.

My old roomie for example was sleeping with this guy for 7 months until she had enough and told him it had to stop because she wasn't happy with that situation anymore. He said he wanted her happy and they started dating. They now live together and are happily in love.

However, that is a rare case. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010):

starfairy gave you the answer..

Talk to the guy, explain your needs/wants/desires.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010):

I was in a relationship like this only he ended up wanting more out of it than me and we never went as far as sex, just everything but. He helped me so much during this time as we became really close. As far as he's concerned there are two possible reasons he might not want a girl friend, and it depends on how you view his character. One is that he doesn't want to get that close to anyone (then again I don't think he realizes how close you and he have become) and is afraid because of past realationships that he'll get hurt, the other possible is that he's used to being FWB with people but I think he probably likes being FWB with you more because it actually means something. My honest advice is to not ask us, the people of the internet but to read this question to him. You seem honest in your worry, and I think that first you need to decide exactly what you want with him first then talk to him about it and you both decide together where you should go from here. He is your best friend and should be able to talk to you openly and vise versa.

Good luck to you.

oh and ps, My FWB and I are currently still best friends but the benefits stopped shortly before I went into a relationship that ended badly, he was there for me every step of the way. Being FWB was nice but it began weighing down on me as to what I was doing and how wrong I felt it was and how it seemed to go against everything I'd been about earlier in my life. I ended it, it took some time to go back to the way it was before but it ended making us stronger in the end.

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A female reader, Tigerlily United States +, writes (6 February 2010):

I know the whole FWB thing is all the rage these days, but I've never liked it. It's a cop out, and of course it's damaging your self esteem. You are being intimate physically and emotionally with a person who isn't making any commitment to you. You are basically saying you can just use and be used for cheap pleasure.

You need to be strong and honest with him. Tell him you completely understand he's not interested in a committed relationship and you respect that, but you realize that the FWB situation isn't working for you and you need to have exclusivity with your lover. Tell him you value his friendship, but you just can't carry on feeling like you are his Plan B while he waits for someone better to come along. It's damaging your self esteem and you need to take care of you. You hope he understands.

Good luck.

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A female reader, starfairy United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2010):

starfairy agony auntHe's your best friend, so tell him pretty much what you've told us.

These things are quite dangerous to get into, cos quite often one gets more attached than the other, or wants more, or it doesn't make them feel as good anymore.

See how he responds, he might be feeling the same as you, he might be just enjoying the benefits, he might be happy to carry on just as friends, but you won't know until you talk to him x

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (6 February 2010):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"Hey, you're a great friend and I really care about you. I'm ending the 'with benefits' part of our relationship because I realize now that I'm not going to be able to keep my feelings out of it. I know you'll understand because you're a great guy. Thanks."

You don't need to discuss anything further than that, and he probably won't want to go there when he realizes that you are developing stronger feelings for him. If he's adamant he doesn't want a girlfriend, believe him. Get out now before you break your own heart. It will put some distance between you, that's inevitable, and he will still date other girls, he's basically told you that. The point is that the 'friendship' you've enjoyed with him has been irreversibly altered by the introduction of sex to the mix. 'FWB' sounds like a good concept, except that so often, one partner, usually the female, cannot stick to the 'just friends' part of it.

You will experience all the feelings of a break up now without ever having had an official bf/gf label; just be prepared for it. Take care.

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A female reader, Lexie88 Australia +, writes (6 February 2010):

Lexie88 agony auntI think that you've come to realize that you deserve more than to be a FWB.

When you say "but truth is he can tachnically drop me and run to any girl he feels without consideration for me and that's what bothers me." you are absolutely right.

He knows you, he's comfortable with you and he's taking what he can without any committment or responsibility.

I think you're at the point of stopping all of this...I guess it will be hard and to be honest you might even lose him but what you have to do is sit down alone and figure out what you really want.

You say that you don't want a 'full blown' relationship with him. A relationship is a relationship...there's no full blown or a little bit. Once you committ to each other there's no full blown or whatnot.

So back to you...what do you want out of life, what do you want for yourself in terms of love and a future partner? Do you think that continuing this with him will get you there? Do you think that time spent with him will detract you from getting where you really want to be, from meeting a man who will be committed to you and who will want a real relationship with you?

I think you're on the right track and I understand when you say that you don't want to be 'demanding' committment from him. What I think you should say is that you have come to realize that what you guys are doing is not right when done outside a relationship and that you don't want to continue. You can tell him that you enjoy his friendship and that you don't want that to stop but that you are getting out there to meet someone who is more on your level in terms of what he wants when it comes to committment and relationships.

You say that he doesn't want a girlfriend...that is an excuse and a hint to you not to ask him to be your boyfriend or to committ to you in any way. You're absolutely right when you say that you're a filler for the time being...as harsh as it sounds, yes you are a filler. I'm sure you're a wonderful girl and you deserve a real relationship.

You've rightly realized that he's using you and that he will most likely drop you once he meets someone who he wants as a girlfriend. Don't let it get to that stage. Walk away now and move on with your life.

It'll probably be hard at first and you might even consider going back but always remind yourself of what you want for your future and that you deserve a lot more. You really need to end this.

Good luck :)

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