A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I kind of already know what I should do, but I think I need people to actually tell me before I will accept that my arrangement/relationship with my ex just isn't working.So....When I was at school I met my now ex, we got together and were in a relationship from 15-17 years of age. I lost my virginity to him, and he is the only guy I have ever been with. We broke up, and a few times we got together after nights out or whenever we wanted to really. It wasn't a friends with benefits, it just happened when it did. Because we never really fell out, we got back together after he broke up with a girl he was seeing. (I never slept with him when he was with her.) Everything was fine but I'm a more stay at home girl, whereas he wanted to constantly go out so we ended things after a while. Again, we never fell out so our arrangement carried on. This time it became more of a friends with benefits things because we slept together regularly. Once again, things between us became good again, so we got back together. We were together just over 2 years, now aged 21. I thought things were getting to the point that we could start thinking about getting a flat together or something, but when I asked him about it, he didn't want to commit to such a massive thing. It bugged me, and like I said, I'm a more serious person then him so I guess I couldn't see things ever being how I wanted them to be, so I ended it. My friend's have been great throughout all the drama, and even when I got back with my ex or starting sleeping with him again, they never judged me. But I think that was half the problem, I knew it wasn't a good idea but I let it carry on.Anyway, one day, he started texting me out of the blue, and it was nice to hear from him. I knew he had a girlfriend so I kept it short and sweet, just a few texts now and then. When they broke up, I felt it would be ok to speak to him more as he wasn't with anyone but I fell into the same trap and our 'thing' started again. I know it's stupid, but my friend's seem to think that as long as I'm having fun it doesn't matter. But I'm now 22, almost 23, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life just being the girl he sleeps with but doesn't commit to.I have already explained this to him, and he has said that at the time, he wasn't ready to move out of home. (He couldn't afford it.) But if we were to get together again, ( 4th time! ) he would want to be in a more stable relationship this time but....I haven't really had another boyfriend but him, and I can see a future with him, even after all the stuff that has happened, but I have been waiting so long for us to have a normal relationship where we do grown up stuff together, like get a home, go on holiday together, talk about kids....I just don't think my heart could take us ending again and being in the same place a few years down the line.I get I'm only young but I have always been the serious type. I mean, there just isn't any point in getting back together with him when in my heart of hearts I know it will probably end up the same as the past three times, is there?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 Chances are that he will eventually be in the stage of life during which he wants to settle down. It happens at different points for all people. I am like you, and have been that way since a much younger age. I don't think it's completely unreasonable to think he could be part of you future. Because it doesn't SOUND as if you've destroyed yourself or your life over him, it doesn't sound like he's tormenting or abusive to your health. It sounds as though he commits to you for long periods but isn't ready to progress as quickly as you are. How does he treat you during those years that you are together? Is he loyal and trustworthy? Although he has treated you like his stable back up booty, and he doesn't seem to have fought for you. He just moves on, but then back again. You are with him for a long time and then you end it because you want more. You date and he dates between each other, then you try again and still aren't on the same page. Going through details, it doesn't seem like a horrible, unhealthy, parasitic relationship. There's a chance he might be done and come back fighting for you, realizing he's ready for what you are ready for. There might be a chance that in the future you two will finally be in the same place at the same time but I wouldn't hang on to that idea. I wouldn't avoid dating others to wait for him. Just go about your life, keep at your passions and date who you see fit. As far as getting together with him right now - is he finally fighting for you? Or will he once again move on if you decline? ~Sy
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): No, there is no point in getting back together with him. You need to listen to your gut, which is telling you this is a disaster.
You guys never really broke up, but he expanded his dating pool and has designated you as his fall-back option when other girls don't work out for him. Is this really the way you want to enter into a committed long-term relationship, have kids, get a home and so forth?
I have been there recently in my life, and I am more than twice your age. Age has nothing to do with it. But, I'll say your friends are not giving you good advice. "Having fun" does not sound like what you are doing. You are providing him a warm place to park until he decides to find another, or your true desires for serious relationship are made clear to him. Then he runs.
You should stop immediately before something disastrous happens. Like getting pregnant. Or an STD. He is not a grown up and is using you for his own comfort.
You are squandering your most precious years on this loser when you should be developing yourself as a person first and foremost. Getting as much education as possible, understanding about the world, meet and date different people (maybe, even....are you sitting down?...don't need to have sex), and become the kind of person that QUALITY men will pursue with integrity and agency, rather than you hold out for a boy who is using you.
Best of luck.
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