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writes: Many of us may be in recovery from a recent breakup, or you are several weeks into the no-contact period. You broke up months or years ago. There is this dull pain in the pit of your heart. You're going about your life. You relapse and cry occasionally. You have good days and bad days. Sometimes you obsess about your ex. You dive into work. At least you're at home now, and in a comfortable state of numbness.You look over and realize you drank half a liter of vodka, and you're sitting on the sofa watching a stupid reality show. Single life sucks; but you don't have to get anyone's permission to do anything. You come in as late as you like. Kick off our shoes and settle in for a quiet evening.Out of the blue comes this text message! You're out to lunch with your best friend and there was a message you missed. The number matches the one you recently deleted!It's late Friday night, and you haven't had a date since the breakup... and OMG!!! The cell rings!You're just leaving the gym, and the caller-ID on your smartphone lights up!IT'S YOUR EX!!!Panic sets in. You're totally terrified and elated. You were thinking about him/her all day. It's like s/he read your mind.Your heart is palpitating. So without a thought, you open the text message, or listen to the voice-mail message."I was just thinking about you and wondered how you're doing."Like a dummy, you quickly make a phone call. How did they just happen to still be on your "quick-call" list? You pull yourself together, and try to make words come out that don't sound like they're soaked in tears. There is this familiar voice that you've been dying to hear for days, if not months. It's soft, low, and sexy.You finally settle your nerves long enough to respond. Your heart is asking, why did you leave me? Why couldn't we have worked things out? I saw your last Facebook, update. You're dating!!! You don't even acknowledge that you know this.Like a starving beggar on your knees waiting for a morsel of food, you ask...who is this? You melt at the sound of his/her name.You carry on this cool conversation. The tension starts to fall, and you settle into that very comfy feeling. Like you used to have when you were making plans for the weekend, or just like the good old days when you were both snuggle-bunnies, and all was good. He or she says, "we should get together sometime soon."The words..."I miss you" bolt out of your mouth involuntarily! You wait for the response. Something almost inaudible is mumbled in response; you strain to hear "I miss you too!" You think.So, now the no-contact rule has been broken. It's been a few days past, since you heard from good old ex. So, you go back and forth. Staring at the phone. You draw air between your clinched teeth. I gotta call. I just gotta. That old undeleted text message is sitting there on your phone message history. There is a familiar voice trapped on your voice-mail for all eternity."Hi, whatsup!?" "How are u? :)" "How have ya been?" So it's a rainy night. TV sucks, and your stupid friend hasn't called you since she borrowed your new Adam Levine CD. Your best bro is out with some skank he met at the laundromat. Your phone is the largest object in the room. I mean, it is huge. It is shiny and has a halo glowing in the dark. You pick it up and you dial that number indelibly etched in your memory. You go quickly to voice-mail. So you send that tiny little text message: "Whatcha doin?"Hours go by. Hours turn into days. Not one single solitary word.OoooKaaaayyyyeeeee! S/he must be busy or out of town, you tell yourself. So you leave a sappy voice-message saying you hope s/he is alright. Next you're shooting a desperate text asking, "R U OK????" "Gv me a cl when u can."You pathetic ball of whimpering quivering jello!!! What did you just do? Really???Oh my gosh! I just lost it! You bang your head on the wall. So you sulk and you feel this horrible knot in the pit of your stomach. Your mind plays reruns of her smile, his tight abs, that sexy body. The way you giggled when they said something stupid. GOD PLEASE MAKE HIM/HER CALL ME BACK!!!You finally decide. I was caught off guard. That sonofabitch, that sleazy cow!!! How dare he/she!!! I was doing just fine.Not really. You were dying for that call or message. You fantasized about that "love-story" reconciliation with all the apologies and tearful embraces. Everybody is sorry for what they said and/or did. All is forgiven.You finally close your eyes after two glasses of wine and the drug-store sleeping pill (don't ever do that) and you hear the ding ding ping of a message on the phone. You look at the time on the screen. It's 2:30am!!! You read the text message."I miss you. Can we talk?" You anxiously call him/her back. They sound a little tipsy on the other end. You're worried and you jump out of bed. "I'll be right over!"... you say. You run down the hall in your sweats...stop! You turn around and take the fastest shower you ever took. You pull on some tight jeans and spritz yourself with that bottle of cologne you never used before.You meet and you have the greatest, nastiest, sex you ever had.Teeth gritting, snarling, and groaning like animals. Sweaty bodies all entangled. You wake up the next morning. There is this cold tension in the room. All you hear is..."I gotta get ready to catch a plane." Not good morning, or the coffee is ready."Can you let yourself out?"On your way home, you look down to notice you were wearing miss-matched white sneakers. You feel stupid. Oh, so stupid. Days go by. They turn into weeks. You send a dozen unanswered messages. Including a few drunk-texts full of curse-words, that you are afraid to read. Hoping they don't report you for harassment.Why did this happen? You didn't initiate this mess. You just let sleeping dogs lie. You thought they were missing you and trying to get a message across. I thought you wanted me back!Just like you, they get lonely. They also miss you. They remember what you used to have together. They were drunk.There was a moment of weakness.They wondered if you were lying there cuddled up with someone else. They wondered if you were already over them. They wondered if they acted too hastily when you broke up. They wanted to be sure you were still grieving the loss. They wanted to be sure they dominate your thoughts, and you're still suffering. They don't want you to move on, until they get over you. They want you to be held down under the pain of the breakup longer than they are. They want to find someone else before you do.The last thing they want is to get back together. This is as rare as Haley's Comet. They called you for sex. They pretended they wanted their useless sh*t back. They harassed you over dated crap that was forgotten long ago. They let you know they have spies watching you. They just keep pouring salt on the wounds, and tearing off the scabs. Any of this sound familiar? You're darn straight it does. The mixed messages only mean that they haven't quite gotten over you. Not that they want you back. It strokes their ego to know they can still get an emotional rise out of you. That you're still clinging on to hope. They need to know that you're the one doing the most suffering. They want you to think they still want to be friends and worry about how you're doing. They don't.Don't pretend that you can maintain a platonic friendship fresh after a breakup. You know you really want them back. You're fantasizing that they'll change their mind and take you back. You read all sorts of crap about getting your ex back. You know some people do. Yes, they do. If they haven't changed, they just go through the same old crap until they break up again. You need time. You need to pull away in order to regain control over your own emotions. You need to come to terms that things will never be the same, and you may not really want that jerk back after all. They even had time to sleep with a dozen other people; while you were stuffing your face with cookie dough ice cream, or drowning your sorrows in JD and Coke. They send mixed signals to purposely keep you confused; because they know how weak you are. How easily they can manipulate you, and that your desperate messages and apologies are proof you can't get over them. They use it to dangle you around like a stupid little puppet. You live by wishful thinking.STOP IT!!! Stop responding to their calls and excuses to keep a foot in the door. Reclaim your self-control, so you can move on. If they wanted you back, they would come to you and plead for another chance. Not some booty call in the middle of the night. They don't really want that old tee shirt you used to polish the coffee table. Leave their junk on their doorstep, or have them pick it up at the local police sub-station.Why would they want pictures of you together? They broke up with you. Send them their half, minus your face. If you were in a bikini, color-in all your curves with a marker. No pics of you for a lonely night's masturbation. Return all their property.Unless you hear the words "I want you back." They don't want you back. They want you in suspended animation. So they can move on and find someone else, and then forget you. They got a head-start when they said they needed space. They had someone picked out online weeks before giving you the boot.There really aren't any mixed-signals. You are in denial. You want them back so badly, you can't believe you will get over them. That is so far from the truth.You will. You'll become immune to the games. Or, you'll become cynical and vindictive. You'll hate men; or you'll have sex and dump a lot a innocent women in retaliation. Don't allow them to do this to you. Up the shields! Ignore all signals. This is the true interpretation of all their mixed messages:"I don't want you back. It's hard getting on, knowing you will recover and forget me. You may get over me before I get over you. I wonder if you ever found out the truth that I really did cheat like everyone says? You're pretty stupid, you're so desperately in-love with me you'll never get over me. I am over you, but it's fun to watch you squirm now and then."That's the real message behind the mixed messages. So grow a pair. Move on, and find happiness. Live for the future. Take good care of yourself. Rebuild hope to move on.An "ex" marks a mistake you've made in your love-life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking your time to read my piece.
You must give yourself some time. I recently offered a reader the advice to live alone, and enjoy being single. She had a series of broken relationships, was becoming very cynical, and has issues with her self-esteem.
She was just within a couple of months of her last breakup.
She owned little responsibility for repeatedly choosing losers. Everything was their fault. Men are just dogs.
I recommended that she avoid dating for a while and concentrate on herself. To which she responded, she was single for two years; and prefers to be in a relationship.
Oh, really? Well, sweetie, I can do bad all by myself!
I think what she missed in this advice was that living alone helps us to become better acquainted with ourselves.
When we focus too much attention on another person, we neglect ourselves. We lose our identity into that person, and we no longer live as an individual; but as a couple. Only a half. Not a whole person.
They become the center of our universe. High up on a pedestal. Beyond perfection. Just can't live without them.
That's not love. That stupidity. Obsession.
This is where she kept repeating her mistake. She blends into the personality of a man. She has never been her own woman.
You mentioned how devastated you were after the breakup.
You and the other reader share something in-common. Your exes both immediately started seeing other people; before either of you were able to even get your bearings after the breakup.
You're only good for a rebound relationship.
You temporarily fill in the gap; so they can easily move on to someone else.
They are well-experienced at finding your type.
You're love-putty.
You both used people to prop you up. You are in-love with the concept of being in love; and being a "couple."
You are both running from who you are, and hiding behind someone else you feel compliments, or completes who you are.
We're all emotionally lazy. Takes too much work to be otherwise.
When these people leave, you feel totally lost. You feel you've lost most of yourself. Like a parasite that has been ripped from its host, and its very survival depended on staying attached.
My dear, this is the wrong sort of thinking. So needy.
Being in a gay relationship may make it harder to find someone to talk to about it; but the dynamics of a relationship between two people is universal. The same rules apply.
Whether you are the same or of the opposite sexes; you are still human beings. You have the same emotions as everyone else. Gay emotions are the same as straight emotions; only our sexual attraction is for the same sex.
You lose your soul into everyone with whom you form a relationship. You become totally absorbed and attached.
When they leave, you come completely apart.
Sweetie, that is the very reason why we have to live alone. In order that we find ourselves. To establish a full identity.
We have to face the world alone and survive as an individual. Relying on our own resources and making our own decisions. Actually facing the consequences of our own actions; without someone else to blame.
You learn how to like who you are. You see your own quirks, and if they hinder your success; you learn how to eliminate them. That is why we have be alone. So we can face the mirror, and see who we really are. Not mask our faults with love-affairs. Living in drama and romantic fantasy.
Oh, other people can tell you about yourself. How much will you really listen to, before you become defensive and shut them out?
The only faults we usually see in ourselves, are how we compare to others. We're fatter, poorer, not as pretty.
That's just deflating your self-confidence, and squashing your self-esteem. It is self-deprecating and serves no practical purpose.
Well, when you're alone, you're forced to face your own faults and weaknesses; because there is no where to hide them. You can't blame anyone else. You realize how needy you are, or how much you whine or complain. You actually hear yourself, talking to yourself. Sometimes you won't shut up.
After my breakup, I stopped to wonder if we didn't fight; why did he have to leave me? Why,why,why?
Wrong question. He's gone, and no longer my boyfriend. His opinions or reasons no longer matter.
I've lived with myself for nearly four months. I have discovered that I put too much into a relationship.
Without backing off to allow someone else to give. I supplied all his needs and neglected my own. If he needed me, I was on top of it. I didn't ask him for anything; because I felt his needs come first.
That is not healthy thinking. He can take care of himself. He is a grown man.
I shoved way too much at him, and he took it all without feeling that it was necessary to give anything back.
I enabled him to be greedy. He began to feel the relationship was all about him. So he got really full of himself, and started coming to me only when he needed something from me.
Sex, affection, emotional support, advice, an extra pair of hands, a strong back, or a shoulder to cry on. I nursed him through illness, and stood by him when family and friends abandoned him. I never asked him for anything at all. He didn't ask me either.
I never got any real emotion out of him. Only gifts, trips, and great sex. He was married, and divorced several years ago. He raised a family; and he is a very nice and generous guy. He is totally empty on the inside.
His passive-aggressive nature would drive anyone crazy. Especially his ex. She sent him an angry three-page letter, after not seeing him for two years since their daughter's wedding. She never knew I existed. He never talks to her.
Told me awful things about her. Yet I feel so sorry for her.
He's great to his kids. They love him. He acts as though his ex-wife doesn't exist. That bothered me. The mother of his own children.
I never felt anything warm coming from him. I am a very intuitive person, I pickup a lot about people. Yet nothing.
He isn't to blame for that. I poured everything I had into our relationship; but I never stopped to see if there was any return for all the giving. So once he was full, and his ego got totally inflated; he was ready to move on.
I was on my way to New York City with a friend, when he made a comment. He triggered my introspection. He said,
you were always giving that guy so much of yourself. So I stopped, and retraced my tracks through the relationship.
Living alone has made me start working on myself. Not just the outside. From the inside out. I have a lot of growing to do. I realize that I couldn't see my own reflection; because all I had in my head was him.
Now you have to introspect and find out why would you be so torn apart for someone who you really were not with that long? Why you can't seem to heal?
You feel you can't live without her. You feel she took something from you, and you need it back.
Sweetie, I don't know if your therapist ever told you. You already have it.
You have you. Keep yourself company. Learn to love yourself and who you are. Learn how to entertain yourself. Listen to yourself, when your mind tells your heart how to behave.
Live single, and fix all the broken pieces.
Let them dry, before you give them to someone while the glue is still wet. When you feel strong enough to stand alone, you don't fall so hard; when someone else isn't there to prop you up. You create your own support-system.
That's why I know I will survive. It doesn't mean I won't feel the grief, or the loss and pain of rejection. Being dumped totally sucks.
It means I will survive on my own, and love myself; until someone else comes along to help me do it. Then I will be strong enough to accept their love, and give it back. I'll remember to reserve a little for myself to live on; should we be forced to separate.
I hope I gave you a little more insight.
A
female
reader, andrea2013  +, writes (11 August 2013):
I just want to say thank you for all writing this article and thank you for all the replies. I am myself going through a horrible break up and by just reading these article which is actually free; it had made my day. I have desperately gone on websites about how to get your ex-back and I have actually bought these program. I have gone absolutely insane. I am currently seeing a therapist twice a week. I have my moments of clarity; but most of the time I am going crazy about this breakup. It's been two months and I can't get over it. My break up is a little more complicated tho. I started seeing a female (lesbian) about a month ago; I completely felt in love with her. I am a female too. This was my first lesbian experience. We actually moved in together; but the fear me coming out as a lesbian broke our relationship. I decided to move out of her house, since she wanted to move on with her life and start seeing other people. I am completely devastated, specially when I think she is already seeing another girl. I feel so lonely 'cause I can't talk to anybody 'cause of the gay issue. I am in so much pain that I am crying while writing my story. :-).. anyhow thank you....
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reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Thanks WiseowlE.
I described 2 different examples of breaking up. The older breakup I don't feel guilt about really because I handled it gently and so on. He won't let go. We had thr most communication after his father died - as a people pleaser, I found it imposssible to ignore him. I realise I don't help him by responding so I stopped and asked him to stop (months ago). He overstepped that boundary and broke NC a few days ago. It does indeed step into harassment at a certain point ... So I've blocked him on my phone.
The newer break up was just a few weeks ago. He has not tried to contact me. I feel guilt for leaving him 'stranded' and breaking up by text but I really feel I had no choice. And tbh I imagine he's pretty much getting on with his life without a backwards glance. I shouldn't feel guilty. He behaved badly and it was only my people pleasing tendencies and abandonment issues that kept me in. Messy, messy situation.
Thanks again and best wishes to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMay I thank you first for reading and appreciating my articles. Thank you for the kind comments.
Daisy Daisy, in response to your question; I must say that as long as he gets a reply, he will feed on your guilt.
His continuous contact is to play on what he knows reopens a connection between you. He also gets the gratification of knowing you still care about his well-being. It isn't cruel to cut him loose. Remember, you are dealing with a grown man, not a child. He doesn't want to move on, and he doesn't want you to either.
You yourself have been dumped for whatever reasons; but you no longer bother the exes that decided to end it. They no longer have any obligation to answer any of your questions.
When we get dumped, the mind fills with a thousand questions; and we claim "closure" to be the reason.
In truth, the only closure we can accept, is to be forgiven and to reconcile the breakup. We really want things to go back to where they were; and to act like nothing ever happened.
Your ex comes to you to dump all his misfortunes at your feet, to make you feel that you're somehow to blame. So, you feel obligated to offer him comfort. You're no longer his girlfriend. That is inappropriate. You shouldn't agree to friendship; because he isn't over the breakup. He is forcing you to accept emotional responsibility, as his girlfriend. You are his "ex-girlfriend." He is in denial.
Your replies make him think you have only placed him on hold. Thus my article about mixed signals.
He has never forgiven you for breaking up with him, and he is clinging to any excuse to keep you apologizing for it.
He will not give up until he stops hearing from you. You've moved on. The only humane thing to do, is to ignore his desperate plea for your acknowledgement.
He wants your confession to ruining his life. You both know that isn't true; but it's what keeps him coming back.
His reinforcement comes from knowing he can get some type of emotion from you.
Any emotion will do. Especially, guilt. That's exactly what you feed him. It comes in good supply. Every-time you respond with empathy, he interprets your reply as repentance for your crime of dumping him. It offers him the false-hope that you may be tottering on taking him back.
You must block him from any further contact. You must employ any means necessary to force him to come to terms with the fact that you have ended that relationship, and that your decision stands.
In a passive-aggressive way, he is forcing you to react and respond to his suffering. He wants you to suffer for ending your relationship, and you are. He is also passive-aggressively harassing you. Using sorrowful news, or just saying "hi!"
Guilt is something we should feel when we have done something unjust. Not for doing something that we are forced to do out of necessity; and in remedy of a situation that cannot otherwise be repaired.
It is like forcing yourself not to pickup a baby that cries every-time you put him down. They will finally realize that you can't hold them every-time they cry. So they learn not to demand to be held all the time.
I hope this advice is helpful.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 August 2013):
WiseOwlE, I really appreciate your articles and like the advise I've seen you write to posters.
I'd like to ask your opinion. I was never the dumper, always the dumped (in dysfunctional relationships that I couldn't let go on). Twice in the past few years I've had to be the one to end things.
The first time, I handled it as well as I could. I was gentle and didn't want to hurt him at all. He wasn't bad to me, but it wasn't working. I started No Contact. To this day, he continues to send me messages (as recently as last night). I NEVER initiated. I used to respond in a chatty but somewhat distant way, so as not to be mean and ignore him, but not give him the impression that there was any hope of reconciliation. It escalated and I had to tell him more clearly that I hadn't been happy with him (which I did tell him when we broke up) and it's best to stop all contact. He agreed. For months I heard nothing, but last night I got a text "hi, how was your day?" I didn't respond. Is this cruel or kind?
The most recent time, it was so horribly toxic and I was so unhappy that I ended it by text. Bad I know. There's a long, unhappy story behind it, and I had to finish it by whatever means ASAP for my own well being. I was heartbroken, while he was still heartbroken about the demise of his marriage and subsequent separation from his children. But I do feel bad. He's going through a difficult time in his life (so much baggage that he should never have entered a relationship and I do believe I am more hurt than him). I have a nasty, nagging feeling of guilt about the way I ended it, ignoring his last text and NC for 2 weeks now. I wish I could assuage this guilt but I am keeping NC because 1) I don't want to send mixed messages, and 2) I cannot afford to get embroiled in his hugely messy life again. Somehow I want to convey my regret about how I ended it, but I know I can't without re opening the can of worms.
So it's really not simple. God knows I hate being dumped, I react terribly, but I also feel terrible being the one to end it. The last thing I want to do to anyone is cause hurt, or add further hurt.
I'm sorry for your grief. I, as a recent dumper, also feel grief.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for reading and commenting. To hear from you is healing for me. I've survived four months since my breakup.
Every other day, a confused reader posts an article after hearing from an ex. There is always a glimmer of hope that lingers in our hearts. We find ourselves wishing that every e-mail, text message, or phone call; means they're having a change of heart.
In many cases, they mean well. In others, they are just satisfying a curiosity; or trying to deal with their own
grief.
They also have to handle guilt, when they know they dumped you in a bad way; or if you broke-up under the worst circumstances. In any of these cases, they are doing you no favors. You need and deserve a "no-contact" period.
Not a bunch of calls with mixed messages to screw with your head.
If you have things that don't belong to you, give them back. They will not return to; because you're holding their belongings hostage. That's blackmail. They think you're crazy.
They're right! Crazy with grief, and rejection.
You are too fragile and vulnerable; and you'll find yourself hanging on their every word, or move. Looking for a signal. Something to tell you, they want you back. They want to come home. You can wish in one hand, and spit in the other. They're not coming back. Convince yourself.
They... don't... want... you... back! You've totally tipped the scale to one side.
They are prolonging your agony and you shouldn't respond to them. Send them them the message with your silence, that you don't need their pity. Pity isn't a pain-killer. Don't send you stupid "smiley" faces, as waving a white-flag. You're not fighting anymore.
If they aren't calling to schedule a meeting to reconcile or work it out, they should leave us alone.
The mistake we make, is eagerly responding. Giving in to desperation. You are undergoing a withdrawal process; which is an essential part of your healing.
You fear you will miss an opportunity. That isn't the case. If you were focusing on yourself, you'd know better.
You are keeping them alive and well in your heart and mind. They've already worked you out of their system. You don't need anything from them anymore. Delete them from your devices. They're already dating and flaunting their single status.
You'd be together if everything was okay. Not confused about why they won't leave you alone.
How should you be doing after a freaking breakup?
Seriously!? Really?
Do they really want to know?
Do they really care?
Here's the breakdown. Only you and I need to know:
You are sad. Busy healing. Doing everything you can to stick to the no-contact rule. Reading everything you can get your hands on, to help you get through this terrible nightmare. Dodging their friends; and trying to convince your family and friends you're okay, when you really aren't.
Your mind is full of memories that haunt you day and night.
You hear songs, and see reminders all day long. You wish they would come up with a pill; or energy drink that gets you through a breakup.
That's how you're doing. Only for now. It gets freaking better. I promise.
Dear Readers:
The only cure for heart-break, is moving on.
Accepting that things will not change regarding your dead relationship. Understanding that if you do get back together; if you haven't addressed the reasons you broke-up, you'll breakup again. The second time is worse.
Healing takes time. When people decide they've given up and need to let us go; then we should leave without any further discussion. Cut off contact, and return all their belongings immediately.
If you can't stop thinking about them. If you still hope they're coming back. FREEZE!!! Time to introspect.
You must send them no reply to their attempts to reach you.
You will misinterpret ever word they say. They will tear open your emotional scars; and you will make a total ass of yourself.
You do not reply to an ex, until you can sincerely say:
I am over you, and doing fine!
If you can't say that. Then don't respond until you can.
You are now single; and how you're doing is none of their business, unless you have kids together.
Let them know the babes are fine; because you're doing everything humanly possible to see to that.
I'm talking to those who believe in their own strength.
Words mean nothing to those helpless individuals; who want to cling to their false-hope, and let other people delay their healing and moving on. As nature has deemed, only the strong survive.
My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering a new or old breakup. The pain is only temporary; if you're fighting for your survival. I feel better by the day, and your positive comments have helped me. I hope I'm also helping you.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 August 2013):
 Wow! You are bang on with your descrpitions and analysis. This article brings a lot of healing. Thank you for writing it.
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reader, deaf4eva +, writes (3 August 2013):
Wow! Parts of that have really come to light thank you
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 August 2013):
Good article, and a perfect reminder of why we must maintain No Contact. Whether as the dumper or the dumped. Thanks.
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