A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need advice...I'm 22 years old. My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up about two weeks ago. A few days ago, my best friend and I had a huge fall-out. We've been friends for years, and I can say that this was an argument we probably will not sure we'll recover from. :(I recently graduated, began my career, and moved into my own apartment. I live alone. Aside from my mother, who lives quite far away, I don't have anyone else in my life.I can't express to you how horrible I feel - I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I can't stop crying. I've been crying on and off for days. I'll run to the bathroom and cry at work. I'll come home and cry. I'm so lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to about what I'm going through...And I can't stop thinking there's something seriously wrong with me. Why don't I have any friends??? It sounds so pitiful. I'm embarrassed to even say it...If I'm to be totally honest, I feel like a waste of space. If I had any value, wouldn't someone (besides my mother) care about me? I've never been so depressed. I really am a strong person, I swear I am, but even strong people need a shoulder to cry on... :(I've been trying to push forward and put myself out there. I began taking yoga this weekend. I've signed up for local meet-ups to go hiking in the next few weeks... I feel like I need to meet new people, but I'm terrified. I've never been an outgoing person; in fact, I'm quite shy. In social situations, I feel awkward and have a hard time talking to people. This has always been an issue for me, and in this state I feel like it's going to be a hundred times worse. :( Thinking about going to meet-ups gives me so much anxiety, I seriously feel like vomiting. What do I have to talk about? What do I have to offer anybody? I feel uninteresting, useless. :(How do you cope when you're completely alone? If anyone could help me, I would be so extremely grateful...
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at work, best friend, broke up, depressed, moved in, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): To the OP,You are welcome, I'm glad I did bring a smile :) Thanks for the feedback, and don't worry, sometimes only years later do we figure out a reason why things happened, if at all, but we are always learning and growing irrespective if we discover it or not.How's the yoga going? On my side I had an absence from exercise firstly due to the holiday season, and then 2 weeks of flu, but I returned to my outdoor women's training classes this week and I'm nice and stiff. My arms feel as if someone hit me, my abs hurt when I laugh, so it's a good feeling knowing I'm working these muscles that were on a break for so long. Let us know when you do your hike, and how it went :) if you made any Abella and I are here for you ;-) Best Wishes,xxxx E
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Hi, As I understand it - with DC now having featured over a quarter of a million questions - there are often times when an OP title chosen cannot be used - because it has been used before. I used to wonder when I saw a question called (for instance)
"My boyfriend just left me, how will I cope 123?"
Well I would think that someone made a mistake by adding numbers at the end.
But on reading this site I realize that a moderator must have found that the title had been used before and so added numbers.
No two questions can have the same title.
And I believe that the title provided by the OP will be given preference, and apparantly often is the one chosen.
But if a Moderator thinks that a variation on the title will get the message across even better, to those looking throught the unanswered questions later, - with a view to deciding which ones they want to answer, it is then that a moderator will decide to either go with the one suggested by the OP or a variation on the one chosen.
I do hope all works out well for you in the future.
regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): I'm the original poster. I want to say thank you both very much for your valuable advice.
To the anonymous poster:
I do believe that everything happens for a reason... Thank you for sharing that maybe the purpose of this is to prove to myself that I am self-sufficient. It's still so fresh, I've been having a difficult time seeing the reason. All of your words are so positive and uplifting... Thank you also for the advice on how to talk to others, your support, your kindness, for making me smile. :)
To Abella:
Thank you also for your kind words and practical suggestions. I'd actually contacted a therapist and set up a session this week, but didn't have a clue about EAP, so I'll look into this. I didn't mention that I have a history of depression - I did try to commit suicide when I was younger. I learned a lot from this experience and it's not something I would ever revisit, but still I think I gravitate toward depression more than most... Perhaps professional advice would be beneficial? I'm willing to try it. I have had a bad experience with therapy before, so I'm a little skeptical. :(
I'm finding your other links very useful, too, so again - thank you.
Also, this is unrelated, but I was just curious - does an actual person write/choose the titles? I originally chose a different one. It still gets the job done, though, so doesn't really matter.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 January 2012):
Congratulations on finishing your studies and starting a new job. There will be many opportunities to develop friendships amongst your colleagues and other opportunities to get to know people in your neighbourhood if you go about things in a way that attracts friends.
And so far you are doing all the right things. You have signed up for yoga and a walking group. Give it time and even this situation will start to have glimmers of sunlight peeking through the dark clouds. But it does not feel like that yet for you. So yes, there is still a little more work to do. And you sound like a good nice person who will be up to the task.
You do have value; otherwise someone else would have scored the job you landed. But it is not much use me telling you that, as so far you do not believe that is true. (Though it is true). Jobs are not easy to get.
A break up is hard to deal with at the best of time. And this break up sounds a particularly hard one to endure. And no doubt the stress you were going through made you more sensitive and that perhaps made things worse with your friend. Grief can be the loss of anything, even a relationship break-up.
And the initial shock is horrible, followed by ‘this is not happening to me’
You do sound depressed at the moment and a couple of sessions with a professional counsellor may help you clarify your thought. Does your new workplace have a confidential Employee Assistance program (EAP) that you could access to do this? EAP is normally free to use.
www.opm.gov
www.eapa.org.uk
“Your (USA) Federal Employee Assistance Program: A Question and Answer Guide for Federal
Employees. ... Back to top What is an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? ...
www.opm.gov/Employment_and_Benefits/WorkLife/OfficialDocuments/handbooksguides/EAP_QandA/index.asp -”
To successfully cope alone for an extended period it helps if you have good self esteem. That is not arrogance. It is just respecting that you are a good person who deserves good things in your life.
Even if you have to do one good thing for yourself every day to ensure that you are given the consideration you deserve and enjoy the confidence in you that you have a right to feel
But depression will sap your will and your confidence. So that is why it is important to consider a talk with your Doctor. But that is not the only solution. There are other good safe things you can do to help lift your mood.
http://helpguide.org/topics/depression.html
Positive thinking will help you go a long way in life. It does sometimes need a different way of looking at things. It takes far less energy to smile than to frown or be sad. So save some energy and smile! It is a great way to make yourself and others feel better.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
I answered a question recently about lifting self-esteem so I am listing that answer below. Self esteem issues can really hurt your self image and how you feel about you. It is important that you respect your needs and wants and put you first to get things back on track.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/want-to-take-pride-in-being-myself-and.html
Many people today live alone and do so successfully as the people who can manage to do this have worked out strategies to adapt to living alone. Some people living in a relationship will find themselves alone on many occasions during the relationship.
Some people can stand in the middle of thousands of people and feel alone.
It may seem like this horrible sinking feeling inside you will go on forever. But with good support and encouragement even this tough time will be replaced by a series of better times. But you may need to reach out a little. Join the local library, join a volunteer group in your neighbourhood and offer your services for an hour a week. It is a way to start making friends in your neighbourhood.
Great that you are doing yoga soon. But you would also try to make friends with another person willing to enjoy a daily brisk walk or a run in the outdoors when the weather is warmer. Or find a local gym and join a Circuit or Step or Zumba class?
Talking to strangers can be challenging. But a great way to overcome this is to join a public speaking group for 12 months. Believe me at the end of 12 months you will no longer be scared to talk to anyone, even a group of people. And these presentation skills will come in handy later in your work.
Believe it or not, but you are already doing almost all the rights things to bring this situation towards a more positive focus. Even changing where you live and a new job are stressful. But eventually it settles down and then you realize what a great decision it was to accept this new job.
And one more link on living alone successfully: http://www.wikihow.com/Enjoy-Being-Alone
Best Wishes to you
Abella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Dear Anonymous,
The break-up with your boyfriend is still very recent, and to compound it, you had a huge fall-out with your best friend. I'm sorry this has happened to you... it's a pity that now when you really needed her, this has happened, but everything happens for a reason I guess. Like they say, what doesn't break you, makes you stronger, so perhaps this moment in time is about showing you that you can do it, you can survive on your own.
You're still very young, yet mature, with much potential and hope for the future! You've also had a lot of change, in a short space of time. Not only the top 2 events, but also graduating, starting your career and moving to your own apartment - all very stressful.
Continue sharing your thoughts and feelings on this site, and others. It's normal to feel how you do. The crying is a normal part of letting go, and releasing all the feelings associated with breaking up with your boyfriend. You are also grieving the loss of your best friend who you don't think can be restored. So allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to let it all out. It's healthy to a point.
The loneliness, you have done well coming online. You will and can meet many people, and make lots of frieds who can support and encourage you. Everyone is really great on this site, since discovering it a week ago, I see nothing but wonderful advice and sharing and caring from everyone. Wherever I feel I can add some words of encouragement, I do.
You're still young and will make your way, and make new very good friends. Some people/friends are only in our lives for a season, so now that you are on the dawn of your new career and living life as a single, you will come across many diverse people. Enjoy it :)
Rather know it's more important to have a handful of real, genuine, true friends, than LOTS OF FRIENDS who are more acquaintance, and when the going gets tough, they are gone. You have your mother, despite the distance, keep up the friendship with her. Share your daily lives, and be good friends to each other. You will find the role of mother/daughter changes as you mature. Mom's can be the best friends because they want our happiness above all else, and have no hidden agendas (in my case, and most, sadly not all).
Please don't say you are a waste of space. You are a lovely 22 year old young lady, who has arrived in life and are about to show the world what you can do. You are going through a bad patch, and as you said, even strong people need a shoulder to cry on... so we are all here for you, cry away. We won't go away, and we want you to be HAPPY. You matter, that is why we are responding. Nobody is a waste of space. Everyone has something to contribute to the world. Their own unique personality.
Well done on starting yoga - it will relax you and make you feel better! Signing up for hiking - wonderful!!! Give yourself time, as you attend these events, you WILL make new friends, who share your interests. You are very brave that despite being shy, you HAVE signed up, and we are proud of you. You can do it!!! :)
When at events, think that the others feel the same as you inside, they also have fears, but some just hide it better. Be yourself, and just focus on one person who gives you eye contact, and take it from there. Ask them and also share your name, where you are from, what you are doing, how it's going in the job, what your future aspirations are, etc. How long have they hiked, where they have hiked, etc. You will see, you will make 1 friend, they will know others, and you will be on your way :)
Have the tv and radio on when at home alone, it will give the sense of company. Stay in contact with new people you meet at yoga and hiking and other activities. Go online and make friends there - on hiking sites, yoga sites and your other interests. Go to dating sites, even if just to chat to other single guys your age, to get a feel for what they are doing, what their thoughts are on current world situation, views and opinions. You can hide your shyness online ;-) you can make lots of male and female friends that way.
Anybody you feel comfortable with as beginning a friendship with at yoga, invite them for coffee. I had that happen to me. I attend a sports group for women, and I've had one women ask me for coffee (friendship) and I've been invited to another one's birthday party, just because I'm in the group, I am supportive and encourage the other ladies and try and make them laugh, so they want that in their lives. Be a friend, to make a friend. Realise that the others may have hardships in their lives and may need someone to talk to as well. Remember, people put on masks and hide their loneliness, their shyness, their sadness, and put on a fake smile for the world. As you be a friend to someone, they will let the mask come off and share their true self, and you can make new friends.
Good luck, I wish you happiness!
xxxx E
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