A
male
age
41-50,
*aypkay
writes:Hi, I have a major issue…… Firstly a little background info. I’m 31 years old and live in Australia. From the ages of 19 to 24 I lived in Europe and other parts of the world. During my two years living in the mediterranean, I was 21 at the time, I met a girl from Canada, we had a connection as soon as we met and we dated for the year that she was over there. Even then, we both knew that we were young and living in a dream land of beautiful beaches, endless cocktails and wonderfully lazy days, as you can imagine, it was perfect but it wasn’t reality. We started a relationship as soon as we met, firstly because we really liked each other and secondly we liked the idea of being with one person that you’re really into during the summer instead of numerous sexual encounters with lots of random drunk pick ups. Anyway, each to their own, but this suited us. At the end of her time their, she had to go back to Canada to continue her studies. Needless to say we were both very upset. I stayed working in Europe and met some really cool friends, both guys and girls, who I have remained close friends with to this day due to the close bond we made during that period. Anyway, when the Canadian girl (I’ll call her Lucy) went back to Canada, unbeknownst to both of us, she was pregnant. I was near impossible to get in touch with (keep in mind this was before facebook) due to me backpacking from place to place and also, I guess because I chose to be un contactable for reasons that everyone likes solitude and independence at that age. So Lucy contacted my mum in Australia in order to get in touch with me, and to make a long story short, Lucy went by herself and got an abortion, as she felt that she could not handle the situation by herself (her family are not exactly the Brady’s) and she could not contact me to get my opinion of our situation. When we did eventually did speak and she told me what had happened, I really did not know how to take it, I promised her I would come and see her in Canada, apparently I told her that I would knock on her door unexpectedly to surprise her…..but I never did. If I’m completely honest, I was enjoying my new adventures and the new people I had met (nothing sexual), just to much fun and I wasn’t about to leave that……Probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. So the years go by and Lucy and I lose contact with each other. I come back to Australia, meet a girl (I’ll call her Sarah) and get married. Sarah and I have a beautiful daughter together, buy a place together, but we both know that it’s never going to work. So after a few years we begin to discuss the best way to separate with as little impact to our daughter as possible. Our current situation is that after the last year and a bit of slowly spending less time together and me slowly moving out, our daughter is very comfortable with the fact that we are not a family of three anymore and Sarah and I get on as friends and have an open door policy at both our homes in the best interest of our daughter. The interesting thing is, Sarah has already started to see someone else and it doesn’t bother me at all. Anyway….. So about a year ago, just when Sarah and I are cementing our plans for separation/divorce, I bump into Lucy on MSN Messenger and we start talking with each other, just as friends. We talk about how the decision I made all those years ago affected her deeply and how it did so for so long, I think it still did. I apologized vigorously and we continued to stay in contact. She tells me that she also has been married and divorced and is just seeing someone casually. After a few months a friend of mine in New York sends me a wedding invite and I tell Lucy about it, we decide that after the wedding I would go to Canada to meet and catch up. When I get there, there is an instant attraction, we talk about our lives since we last saw each other and before I know it we’re driving up the East coast of Canada in what turned out to be one of the best weeks of my life. My flights were all booked so at the end of the week I returned to Australia and to my job. When I got back, we talked everyday and started planning our next meeting. It was crazy how into each other we had become after all those years. So I said to her in a text message that I was going to fly over there and just show up without telling her. After that, all of the sudden, she stopped all communication. After a couple of weeks of me trying to get in contact with her, she eventually called me and said that I had used that line on her nine years ago and never showed up so she was turned off that I would say that again. I tried to explain that firstly I couldn’t remember saying that to her before and secondly that times had changed, back then I was a foolish kid who just wanted to travel around care free without responsibility. Now, I’m a 31 year old man, have a great job and ample money to fly over there at anytime I or she wanted…times really had changed, but she didn’t want to hear it. At the same time it was her birthday so I showered her with gifts (costing a small fortune) in order to express my feelings toward her, but this resulted in little response and in hindsight was probably another mistake. So since then I’ve been a complete wreak, my work has suffered immensely and I feel as though I’m becoming depressed. I have always been a strong independent person, however I now only feel motivated to see my daughter and that’s about it. I have stopped talking with several friends for no reason, other than just wanting to be alone; I’ve stopped playing sport, only finding an escape at the gym by myself. I feel like every day I miss her more and it’s nearly been a year. I can honestly say that I didn’t feel this awful and upset when my ex wife and I decided to part ways. The other night I went out with some friends for a few drinks, I text her and said that I hope she was well and that I miss her, she replied and said that she hopped I was well also and that she’s been dating someone else and they are moving in together…..This just made me feel so bad…. Now I sit here typing out my story and I’m asking for advice from complete strangers (no offence). I would love to fly to Canada and leave a photo of us together in her mail box with a note saying that I told her I would knock on her door one day, just so she knows that when I said it I meant it, but I think that would appear a little stalkerish/freaky. All I know is that she is brilliantly smart, very funny, devastatingly beautiful and we have an immense connection and history together, and that I’m broken because I cannot be with her. My commitment is here with my daughter, but I feel that history has proven that people have made love work under far more impossible odds than we are in, and I feel as though if I don’t peruse her I will turn into the 80 year old guy down the street who never took a chance on what could have possibly been the absolute love of his life……….
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Now this is a story where you were a jackass as a kid and where you CAN change. However, you have to understand her, and not only feel depressed for yourself.
I read hundreds of stories and responded to over 100 on this site. I rarely see some potential for anything, and despite my comment above, I am reserved to think that this isn't to quell your pain only.
In COMPLETE truth and honesty, explain what you want to say from her point of view. Understand that this is a product of oyur doing and is probably some inatuation you have that has been romanticized for the last couple of years.
Questions you have to ask yourself.
Are you really going to move to Canada for her?
Are you really going to make the relationship between your duahgter(s) long distance?
Are you really going to quit your job to be with her?
Do you think those are all worth it?
If you answer yes, then it MAY satisfy her to the point where she will, very reluctantly, say yes.
I, however, think you should simply do what you were going to do and let it go if she says no.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 March 2010):
Wow; what a story. Like you yourself said, you will always kick yourself if you never take the chance. So since you can afford it, why don't you take that chance and just show up and visit her as you promised? You can leave your pic and note in her mailbox as you suggested, with a note letting her know which hotel you are staying in for a few days or your contact number if she could just come meet you to talk. Just be aware that she won't drop everything for you, but at least you can meet and talk and it could be the start of something beautiful. The longer you delay, the less chance you have of winning her. On the other hand, you could show up and she won't even see you, so its up to you to decide if its worth you taking that chance. When my current boyfriend and I met online living 10000 miles apart, we both never believed we could merge our completely different lives, cultures and backgrounds to make it work; but love always finds a way and we are both glad we overcame the odds to be together. So I hope the same for you. If not though, hopefully you can meet someone else one day in the future when you have recovered from this pain. At the end of the day with enough time, we all recover; but it IS better with the one you love!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Oh my what a very sad and touching story...I really feel for you.
I am sorry your in so much pain over this. She was obviously affected deeply by what happened between the two of you and for some people that would be enough to destroy trust. Years have passed and she has gotten on with her life as have you, but I think it's one of those crossroads in your life where you have to decide to pursue or quit.
She is moving in with a guy, so it's probably as well to leave well alone for now. You live so far apart, it would be almost impossible to build bridges under such circumstances and going on your history. You rightly have a commitment to your daughter, so it seems you will have to sacrifice one for the other...what a terrible and emotional position to be in.
Keeping contact is probably not a good idea as you might find yourself making promises that you cannot keep and also turning her head from her current relationship (he may or may not be the love of her life...who knows). Even if you could be together, she would either have to leave her family to come to you or you would have to leave your daughter (not a good idea).
In a perfect world we would all be with who we truly desired but in this case it seems unrealistic.
You need to find ways to recover, whatever you find most comforting...but do it and soon or else the stress and sadness could engulf you and destroy the rest of your life.
Best of luck
AE x
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