A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've gotten in to a massive argument with my boyfriend and I don't know what to do.A few years ago I was raped and it went to trial but the guy was found not guilty. I live in a really small town and the man who did it was my best friends boyfriend. She didn't believe me, in fact I suspect that she wanted him to sleep with me as she had cheated on him and wanted it to become even between them. I was invited to hers one night and I woke up with him on top of me.I think I've gotten over this, I had therapy and I know I've dealt with things as best I can.But because my best friend did this to me and I live in a really small place I have stopped going out socialising to the bars in the area. I work night shifts so rarely get time to do things with friends anyway. To be honest I'm ok with not having heaps of friends at the moment because I was hurt so badly.My birthday was a few weeks ago and I didn't get many cards but during an argument my boyfriend has made me feel bad saying that nobody likes me. He commented that people dislike me so much I don't even get birthday cards.He's also said that how come in a town where you and your family were born and raised everybody has taken sides with the acquitted guy and shunned you.I'm really really upset with him and I don't ever want to see him again. But he's got me upset in the fact that actually no I don't have any friends any more.On one hand like I say I don't really miss socialising all that much but on the other hand I think I look quite sad that I don't have friends.Do you think it is important to have lots of card etc and lots of friends in life. I'm starting to feel quite anti social and not bothered by making friends. Does this make me really odd?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2015): Thank you all for your responses it helped a lot :)
I had a think about all this since I posted the question and I know I isolated myself because of what happened, but I was ok with that for the time being. I work long hours doing night shifts and weekends so it's hard getting time to do things with others anyway.
But like you say it's ok for the short term but in the end it may make things worse being on my own so much. Even my family get a bit worried about me because I hardly ever go and see them. So I decided to make a bit of an effort and got in touch with old friends and I've arranged to go and see some over Christmas.
I was ok with not having many cards, it didn't bother me and I don't think having hundreds of Facebook friends or being a social butterfly is all that important. I have 4 really decent friends and that's all I need.
I had counselling but it was a while ago now, maybe I should go again as sometimes out of the blue I think about things again.
I've decided to stay with my boyfriend but he has thrown this in my face when we argue more than once. We don't argue that much but when we do it gets pretty bad. I didn't speak to him for 2 days after this last argument and he realised how awful it is to do this.
He isn't the most supportive person in the world and I'm going to have a good think about our future. He's told me he's going to try harder but I'll see what happens.
I'll also have a look for that book! thank you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): i feel quite sorry for you that your boyfriend chose your birthday to fling the rape in your face .Whatever happened on that night should now rest in the past and shouldnt be reworked every time some one has a disagreement.It is very difficult for a jury to reach a verdict as they have to consider all the evidence placed before them and at times they may swing back and forth trying to establish culpability and intention and remorse as well as evidence that establishes facts.The police must have felt that there was adequate evidence to make a good case but i should imagine it was difficult for the jury to reach a unanimous or clear verdict on account of the age of you and your friends who may have intermingled for some times and endless evidence of an anecdotal nature would be available , no doubt coupled with quite a bit of alcohol.I suggest you treat yourselves to the entire series of books by Maya Angelou who was raped as a child.It so terriffied her that she didnt speak a word to anyone about anything at all and people assumed she had gone mute for medical reasons.It is called "Iknow why the caged bird sings.." and is a very good introduction to the rest of her life.You may find some parrallels and as maya is a very good writer her stories throughout the series should bring you a range of emotions from tears to laughter.The trouble is that despite the time lapse from the rape it is still something that people can fling in your face and i expect the jury didnt take that into consideration when making their deliberations.You sound as though you are still forced to carry the burden so may i suggest a womans group for friendship and support because you lost too much that night.As for the boyfriends sudden outburst you could forgive him but ask him not to repeat it.I myself would book further counselling just to make sure I knew how to adequately defend myself verbally if it was ever used against me again because it is perfectly possible to get that kind of help and you do not want to be perrmanently caught in a victim cycle.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 I am sorry that you have had to go through this, I don't think people in your town are taking sides, I think the problem here is you have isolated yourself so that you can protect yourself from these people. It can be hard to trust people after something like this happens.
I am sorry that you did not get justice for what happened, it happens so many times in these cases. As for your boyfriend, it sounds to me like you could do much better than someone who will put you down like that, you need a boyfriend who will support you, who is there for a shoulder to cry on and who will protect you. You are not defined by how many friends you have, and if you are happy in life and not missing anything then that is all that is important. If you do ever feel like socializing then there is always plenty of ways to make friends. Remember you are not alone in what has happened you and there is help out there if you ever need it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): No. Iy's not important how many cards you get.
It's important to have REAL friends not dozens or hundred of FB ones.
I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you, but you got over it.
What your bf said wa so wrong on so many levels that I do not know what to say.
As Honeypie said, blaming the victim is too common. Especially when the rapist and the victim knew each other in their stupid heads it somehow makes it not-rape.
You went through the worst part.
Howevern dealing with social presures is hard. The society we live in quantifies everything and uses it then as a measure of one's success. How much you earn? How many friends you have? etc. If you do not participate in that game, well then, tehre must be something wrong with you?
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Period.
Good for you that you fought back.
Stay strong!
Love yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 Does it make you odd? Not one bit. It's a defense mechanism, just ask your therapist. What you went through and are STILL going through was not some little matter, emotionally, physically and socially. I think it's a PRETTY normal defense mechanism.
However, at some point you will find that isolating yourself doesn't help, but it might for now. As no one else can't hurt you if you don't let anyone in.
How many birthday cards you get doesn't = how good of a person you are. And your BF is a twat for pointing that out.
Having 5 (or 2) GOOD TRUSTWORTHY friends is definitely better than 300 "facebook friends" or 15 friends you can't count on or trust. IT's common sense! It's NOT the quantity, but the quality!
What he is doing is victim blaming, which is SO common in rapes. WAY to common. It's SO much easier for people to blame the victim and accepting that this "Guy" they know did something as reprehensible as rape.. SHE must have done "something" bad... Do NOT accept his victim blaming.
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