A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why are guys so confusing? This guy that I have been dating for over a month and last night, we were laying in my bed together. We haven't done anything sexual yet but he started kissing me and asked "When are you going to stop teasing me?" and I said "When am I going to be your girlfriend?" and he got up and was ready to leave and said that he doesn't play games like that and the label shouldn't determine our relationship and we shouldn't sleep together JUST because he says I am his girlfriend and he is not one of those guys that will just say he is my boyfriend just to sleep with me. I started crying and said if I sleep with him, he will leave me just like my ex did and he said that he hates seeing me cry and that he is not the type of guy to do that. I was really mad at him for leaving and turned my back to him while laying on the bed. He stroked my head and said "Bye baby" and left. It was really late and I wasnt fully aware of what was going on. Did he just dump me? I want to know WTF that was but I dont even know what to say to him. HELP!!
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kissing, my ex, teasing Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Hi again.I'm sorry you are feeling sad about this, but it is natural to feel this way. Please try not to beat yourself up by wondering what you did wrong, because I'm sure everyone would agree that you did nothing wrong.It is hard to not think in this way though.It is awful when you don't know for sure what happened, or where you stand with someone. I've been through that myself, and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. It can also make it difficult to move on, and like you said, it's hard to find closure. For this reason, I think that it would do no harm to try and contact him for some answers, or to at least find out where you stand. My only concern is that he might not give you a clear answer, so there is the possibility that you could still be confused about where you stand with him.By all means, try and sort this out, even if just to give yourself some peace of mind. But if you still feel messed around by this guy, if he still won't be straight with you, then maybe you could make the decision for yourself, rather than waiting for him to give you the go-ahead to move on. You must feel as though you are in limbo, like you are stuck in one place until you get an answer from him. But if he won't give you an answer, then you can decide to move on regardless, and not wait around in confusion. I hope I'm not making this sound really easy, because I know that it is not, it's really difficult.Good luck with whatever you decide to do.-Sam. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): A call wouldn't be out of the question, though not your best option in my opinion. If you did, you could tell him the truth of why him being a boyfriend is so important to you, because you want some form of commitment from him and you felt you weren't getting it. And you weren't.I think you shouldn't call him. He walked out on you. Assume its over and be pleasantly surprised if its not. And you should not feel bad that you stuck to your values. You shared your fears with him and he still was insensitive to you. You wouldn't sex him so he walked out? Forget the stupid reasoning he muddied the waters with. Thats basically what this comes down to: You wouldn't sex him so he walked out.If you two do speak again, your guy sounds... wily. He might be able to turn this around on you with his eloquent justifications, so be wary. Make sure your needs and feelings are respected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys! i appreciate the advice but i still feel really sad like i did something wrong and i dont even know what to do. we havent spoken since that night and i want to know if we are over so i can at least get some closure. should i call him??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): If I were you, before I went any further with this guy I would want to know what his issue is with labels. I dated a guy for a while who didn't want to worry about labels, because of parental issues and an abusive childhood. ("Mom" and "Dad" said they loved him but abandoned him, etc.) If these sort of things are an issue for him you need to know and be sure you can handle it before deciding to get into a relationship.
That said, it does NOT excuse him behaving like a jerk.
He may also be saying he doesn't want a relationship, just sex and he's trying to be honest in his own indirect way. In other wards he doesn't want to lie and say he loves you and he wants to be your boyfriend when he doesn't just to get sex from you. If that's not what you want be abundantly clear, and be prepared for him to go. (If this is the situation and he goes, you're better off without him, since he probably would've gone when he got what he wanted anyway...)
I would also take the time to explain what the commitment of becoming boyfriend & girlfriend symbolizes to you. The security, an acknowledgment of mutual monogamy, a warning to other girls to back the heck off, taking the next step toward the future, a requirement to go to the park and throw things at people on Tuesday afternoons together - whatever it is. It may help him understand why the label is important to you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to sleep with someone who won't make at least some small commitment to you!
I'm sorry he was a jerk and didn't stick around to talk to you and explain what he meant. The previous poster is right. That was completely unfair. Best of luck and continue to stick to your guns!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): Yes.. that whole thing sounds like mularkey to me. His reasoning, all of it. He sounds like a real self righteous, rage against the machine type. Arguing about the color black being called black, or something.Explain to him that humans are imperfect beings, and need labels and categories so that they can forge their way through life. If we were fully elemental and spiritual then alot of the atrocities and ways we do each other wrong would simply not exist. Explain to him that you want commitment of some shape or form before you give yourself to him.To me, it sounds like he's using his convoluted reasoning to justify why he attaches less importance and gravity to the act of sex, than you do. If this is important to you, you hold your ground!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This must be really confusing and upsetting for you.I think that this guy is being really unfair to you. It seems like he wants the relationship to be on his terms, and when he doesn't get his way, he storms off. That sounds difficult to deal with.It is good to hear that you stood your ground though. If you don't feel ready to sleep with someone, or do sexual things, then you shouldn't feel pressured to do those things. Any guy who respects you and cares for you would let you take your time and go at your own pace. The fact that you have had a bad experience in the past must make it harder for you, so I was sad to hear that this guy isn't being more understanding.I was also saddened to hear that when you got upset, he just left. He says that he is not the kind of guy to just sleep with someone and then leave, but he sounds to me as though he isn't the kind of guy to stick around. You asked a perfectly reasonable question about the relationship, and he got angry. You got upset, and he walked out. It sounds like he isn't very good at taking things seriously, or handling them.If you still want to be with this guy, then I think it would be good to try and find out from him what he wants from the relationship, although I know this might be a difficult thing to do. It is your choice, but if this guy is making you unhappy, then I would say that you are definitely worth more than that. And please don't feel that you should sleep with him in order to please him. He should be happy to simply be with you, so please bear in mind that you are worth A LOT!Take care.-Sam x
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