A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have this friend who i have known for 10 years,he wanted to date me when we were younger but I kindly declined because he was involved with someone and did not break it off before pursuing me.We remained friends.Now so many years later I feel as if I have fallen for him and cannot stop thinking about him.Only problem is we are both married. I knew he still loved me and so I confessed my feelings for him. Now I feel guilty. Nothing has happened we just talked about our mutual feelings but I feel as if I am betraying my husband and stabbing his wife in the back. I had no desire to leave my husband or make him leave his wife...I just wanted him to know how I feel. Was I wrong for confessing my feelings?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Wow thanks to all of you! You gave me more insight in this situation. I already had a feeling it was wrong but at the moment I could not help it...anyway there are no excuses for what I did. But now I need to try to get over it and focus like some of you suggested on my marriage.Thanks x
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Unfortunately we can't help the way we feel and sometimes confessing our feelings is all we can do = in fact, sometimes we are compelled to do so even if we truly do not want to cause a break in either our own or their marriage.
By confessing your feelings you may have planted a seed in this mans head about his own feelings and may have lead him to some doubt and confusion over his own marriage and your friendship - in fact, you may be about to walk a very rocky path.
What may happen now is he may back away from you because he loves and wants to be with his wife - in which case, the only person you've hurt in telling him is yourself.
If that doesn't happen, he may realize he has feelings for you and STILL back away from you to stay with his wife.
Again, if THAT doesn't happen, he may well get very confused and confess your feelings to his wife to cover his own guilt or to make sure nothing else comes out in the future that could destroy his marriage. His wife might then tell your husband and you'll, again, get hurt along with your husband who will see it as emotional cheating!
The other scenario is that you and he remain friends - in which case, you should probably not mention it again. Leave it out there and don't touch it or else someone is going to get hurt.
I would, in all honesty, try and distance yourself from this man now that you have told him how you feel. It isn't fair on him or your husband that you have these feelings and certainly not now that you have put them out in the open.
There is a world of difference between having a quiet crush and telling the person it exists.
Now that it is out there, try and concentrate more on your marriage and see it as being off your shoulders now. Just hope that it isn't now on his.
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (25 May 2010):
 I think you were wrong to confess your feelings to him. You are both married and have no plans on breaking out it, so that feeling should have been bottled in.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 I fully agree with TimmD. You were wrong. Way to go and you will soon ruin two marriages! What were you thinking when you signed the papers? You confessing feelings to another man, is called an "emotional cheating" and that is a form of cheating. How would you feel if your loved one was secretly longing for another woman? You clearly do not love your husband (or you think you love him, but do not respect him) and you want this other man just because he no longer wants you and is happily married.` I actually think that you love none of them, but only your own ego.
If you want to save ur marrage, destroy all contact with that other man from your past.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Absolutely it was wrong! What made you do such a thing?!You know, not all truths need to be told. I mean, I'm sure your husband has woken up SOMETIME in your lives together and gone, wow... today she looks X. Do you really want to know what he thought? Oh sure, it could be "gorgeous" or "beautiful" or it could be "tired" or it could be "downright annoying." You don't really need to know. My point is, some truths are better left unsaid.THAT'S what you should have done. Pining over another guy is not good for the marriage anyway. You can drool over celebrities but once you start investing emotionally in someone else, that's when you've betrayed your husband.I realise as women we SUCK at keeping secrets but honey, that one you should have kept to the grave. It was not useful to you and not useful to the guy. In fact it was downright destructive. And you did, just as you said. You betrayed your husband and stabbed her in the back.What to do? Apologise to the wife and to your husband. Say it was a moment of idiocy and you didn't mean to do it. Then start focusing on your HUSBAND again. Unless he's a bad person, in which case, get a divorce and focus on someone else. But leave the married guy alone.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Well, there was nothing that could be gained by confessing the feelings. And feelings are fickle things - by next year, they could have faded away, and no one would be the worse. You had the right idea in mind by not wanting to cheat on the other guy's partner. Now that you both are married, it's worse.
You've gotta stop the contact with this guy. No accidentally bumping into him, or being at the same health club, or shopping where he does, or going to the same bars. You are in love with the PAST, not him. A marriage takes work, and it's easy to fantasize about a relationship that doesn't require work.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Yes, confessing your feelings when both of you are in the relationships you are was not a good thing to do. All it does is create tension on both sides. He probably worked hard to get over you and now, depending on his feelings for his wife, will most likely be thinking about what "could have happened".
It also lets the thought of leaving each of your spouses be planted in your mind. It's not that either of you want to leave your significant others right now... but given time that seed could grow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): i dont blame you for this for one
in my eyes i think u just wanted to get your past emotions sorted and to know where you are and were he is and so confeesed to him.
you are not in the wrong you were confused.
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