A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is my boyfriend controlling me?I have been dating this guy for a year and four months. Some insight into our relationship:I have cheated on him. (Kissed an ex at a party) And told him in a hurtful way. That was four months ago. Since then we have decided to stay together and work on the trust that was completely destroyed.(Not that it was extremely strong before that)Before we dated i was in another relationship. I would regularly meet up with my friends, go out to clubs and parties, spend weekends away from home, make my own decisions. I was in a bad relationship, but was still happy with my personal life.Fast forward a year and a half later I have two friends and hang out with them maybe one to three times a week.Every time I want to go to a party, or stay on campus instead of going home to see him, he flips. We break up. I'm not allowed to have any male friends other than him.(he says relationships have boundaries). *I had a REALLY good guy friend for over 3 years who i haven't talked to in months. (He says all my guy friends only want one thing and that makes him uncomfortable)Now he constantly accuses me of cheating on him. If a guy texts me he expects me to yell at them and tell them to never text me again because i "have a boyfriend"I wanted to go abroad one summer, but he insisted that i stay and focus on our relationship. When i did and told him i was bored and miserable at home he blamed me and said i should have went. Is he controlling?
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (13 November 2010):
 The question is not whether he is controlling, but how YOUR actions, and subsequent attitude toward your own actions have landed you in this predicament
Your relationship has run it's course....He does not trust you, and frankly from what you write and how you present yourself as a victim it will only be a matter of time before you use this issue as a lame time honored justification to kiss or have sex with somebody else and then blame your boyfriend for it...
Do the both of a favor and end the relationship now...it is a dead end, and let him be with someone he can trust.
This may come off as harsh, but it sounds like you lack the maturity to be in any kind of relationship. It takes Trust and constant communication and COMPROMISE...something you are either unwilling or unable to do...and that is a recipe for disaster..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): Gain back his trust*
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (12 November 2010):
I think he is trying to control you because of what you've done to him. It is insecurity.
You only have yourself to blame (more so for the way you told him) and clearly you have not won back his trust.
Will you ever? Who knows? But at the same time, you cannot continue to go on in this way for a lengthy period.
If you do he will probably end up actually controlling you to the point you have no friends and do everything he says.
My instinct tells me that this relationship is not going to last so prepare yourself but at the same time remind yourself of the cause, and learn your lesson.
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A
female
reader, iSmil3y +, writes (12 November 2010):
I can understand why he is the way he is, because you cheated. The thing about the guy friends, I do understand because I'm that way with my boyfriend having friends that are girls because he's texted them flirting with them, etc. and I consider that stuff cheating. You shouldn't have to text every guy that texts you telling them you "Have a boyfriend" and yell at them but, if you really want him to trust you again and you want to have guy friends, why don't you talk to him and just make sure you don't delete any texts or anything(Not saying he HAS to go through them) but, if you delete stuff or hide things, then obviously something more is going on and he's going to see that. You need to work on him trusting you again because I do understand where he is coming from and it's not his fault, it's yours for cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): I agree with aunty alex he seems to be more insecure than controlling. What you did can effect people in MANY different ways as I've learnt and experienced. It doesn't heal over night, especially when it was only 4 months ago.
You need to make him feel secure as possible and gain back his back. Tell him how much you love him, perhaps writing him a letter explaining. Tell him how sorry you are for what you did and that it'll never happen again as it was a huge mistake and how much you regretted it. Explain to him you don't want anyone else but him.
If my boyfriend did that, I wouldn't want him hanging around with girls at all as I don't think I could ever trust him again. I'd probably check up on him all the time too (me being insecure) and I certainly wouldn't want him going on holiday on his own where he could get up to god knows what.
You just need to make him feel 'loved' again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Not controlling, just very insecure and who can blame him? If you decide to cheat on your boyfriend then you're going to have to accept that you broke his trust and you're going to find it very hard to get that back.
I don't want to sound harsh but i have no sympathy for your situation because you brought it on yourself. I do however, feel sorry for your boyfriend because it must be horrible not feeling you can trust the person you're in a relationship with.
You should be gratefull he stuck around and didn't leave you after what you did. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with this guy or are you just stringing him along a bit?
You say you told him you cheated on him in a hurtfull way. Why did you tell him in a hurtfull way? It doesn't sound like you care about him much and you don't seem very guilty about what you did.
Just remember that your boyfriend is probably going to have trust issues for a very long time, whether he's with you or someone else. You should feel responsible for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): he doesnt trust u which is ur own fault u have to regain that trust
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I think he is more insecure than controlling and to be honest with you, that is your own fault, what you did hurt him and he clearly isnt over it and is finding it hard to trust you. you need to sit down with him and tell him it is him you want to be with and he needs to decide if he can trust you and if not then he will have to let you go, because if he decides to forgive you he cant hold it over you and act in the way he is atm, hope this helps.
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