A
female
age
36-40,
*tar23
writes:i have recently just found out my bf was using adult friend finder, i am naturally angry. our relationship is destroyed over it. i also searched the hard-drive for pictures.. the usual pics came up of friends and then there were naked pics in jpeg format. he says he does not know where they have came from. he says the laptop was re-condtitioned and bought it off a company. my question is would these pics be on a laptop if the computer was actually recondtioned? i cant help but feel these are from his internet "lover". this is destroying me,and our relationship. help please. thanks.
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female
reader, Hazel1  +, writes (4 September 2008):
i also agree with what other people have posted on here, its one thing for a man to look at porn sites and its a completely different thing to look for women on sex sites to meet, look at yourself in the mirror your a pretty, intelligent young women and you can do anything with your life, if hes going to cause you heartache like that then its not fair on you, you do not deserve to be degraded by your partner like that and from him lying to you, you probably don't trust him and are worrying constantly about what hes doing, sweetheart its a horrible thing to have your heart suddenly broken but its something worse to have it break slowly when your with someone who's hurting you really think about if you can work things out and if you cant then talk to friends or a councellor about how you'd feel if you weren't with him? but whatever you do, you must do it for your self to be happy you sound like a lovely person and i wish you the best of luck with it and i wish you a very happy future xxx
A
female
reader, star23 +, writes (7 August 2008):
star23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question again, thank you all for your advice and comments. they are all so refreshing to hear xx
im still having a tough time but am trying to get through it. will keep you all posted. thank you so much all of you xxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, uraqt9697  +, writes (6 August 2008):
I was in the same situation once, and it's really difficult because its so easy to say, "well, its just the internet, and hes not really cheating, etc etc".In our relationships, we create boundaries and have every right to define what is and isnt acceptable to us. If you find his actions and lying unacceptable, then dont, for one second doubt yourself. Maybe you can work things out, and reestablish your boundaries with each other, and openly discuss what is and isnt allowed. However, if you feel like the trust is shattered and the damage is done, walk away - NOW. Actually, RUN!!!!I wish you the best, and I know it will work out either way. The most important thing is to do what is right for you, and to not take this situation personally. You are a wonderful person capable of receiving the love that you deserve, and if he cant give it to you, that has nothing to do w/you, and all to do with him
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A
female
reader, star23 +, writes (6 August 2008):
star23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionagain, thank you all so much for your replies. i feel im getting stronger everytime i read your comments and advice. im emotionally unwell after all this upset at the moment but its so nice to hear from you all. i hope i will get better in time. im reading and re-reading your comments. i will take on board what you have all said. thank you all so much,i guess im in a state of healing at the moment.it will take time and decisions will have to be made..... thank you all x x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): why is he looking at other women?
thats a question you failed to ask in your opening post.
obviously there is something your not addressing.
i personally lately after 1 year with my girlfriend caught myself out looking at other women and think about porn on a couple of occassions- this is highly unlike me.
i had real issues with insecurity to start with in my relationship- how it got off the ground i dont know but i was coming on very strong.
i have a monogamous mentality, but since the realisation life can go either way in life my mind doesnt want to be bounded. she hurt me really fucking bad by being way to open with two past friends of hers- who were totally ignorant of the presence of mine and my girlfriends relationship-
but for love of my girlfriend I opened up my issues more, turned my mind to not caring is she went off but actually being respectful if she did- and respecting her as her own person-
but ever since a little while after its like my mind re set a rule, and now she is really bossy and protective of me, In a round about sort of way. She loves me deep and i love her but why i have these other urges? becuase i'm afraid she will get dependant upon me and screw up her life if somehow i fuck up.
and i feel its a responsibility i cant shoulder since shes had so much shit in the past-
i'm working on my commitment in love- i think writing here is helping to rid myself of the self persecution, i can stop myself paying attention to other women.
i think maybe i want to be more free to flirt so i can feel more sexy about myself- becuase maybe it helps to confirm what maybe my girlfriend thinks- but i guess thats dumb thinking becuase its the actions, maybe by becoming more smooth with women i can become more smooth with my actions,
and maybe i wont get bossed so much becuase i wouldnt make stupid little irritating mistakes. and we both will be happier and sexier feeling.
or it could be that we both just need space.
anyway i would reccommend your man goes to sex addiction classes- and if you can support him from feeling embarrised and mean it then maybe he wont feel so insecurea and learn to trust-
whatever you do, dont compare him all the time to a vision of mr perfect- even in your own mind that can destroy a guy and any guy that comes along- and mr perfects know about women who are this way also.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I agree with the previous posters, it seems like your bf was probably lying to you to cover his tracks.
Don't doubt yourself, what he did was wrong. Adult friend finder isn't just a dating site, it is for people who are actively looking for sex.
It sounds like whether you're a jealous person or not, continuing a relationship with this guy is going to cause you heartache and pain and is likely to make your jealousy much worse. If you have ended it, then good for you.
It is sad that the relationship ended like this after three years together, but in time you will see that it is his doing and his loss, not yours.
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Who wouldn't be insecure and angry to see their partner looking at adult friend finder when they already have a partner? You have every right to be upset.
The anon reader is right...he may not have "cheated" on you...but he does sound shifty. You can't prove that those pictures are his internet lover; they may just be some random porn he found...which is usually harmless. There is a huge difference between a man looking at some random porn and sharing pictures with someone he has met online.
I guess only you can decide what to do.
Though personally speaking, you sound like you're too good for him. I'd go and find someone who actually respects you and who doesn't need to use adult friend finder x
XD
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A
female
reader, star23 +, writes (6 August 2008):
star23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim going out with him for over 3 years now. i found the adult friend finder in the history on his laptop and saw emails from that company..... i am a jealous person anyway.i know im totally insecure.im making myself sick from the pain of this. we are on the brink of a breakup...its so sad. hes lied about the adult friend finder saying that it was his housemates...but when i saw the emails in his account i realised that it was defintely him. i still love him....but love is wearing thin as i cant forgive or forget....the images,the emails, the lies....
thanks for your answers you guys. its so refreshing to hear from you all. i dont feel so alone now. thank you.xx
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A
male
reader, patient_husband  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Very, Very unlikely...
Although it is possible that they didn't "recondition" it properly, it may have just been a 2nd hand computer, which they could have been on.
Right click on a file in question,
Click "properties"
there will be 3 dates, "Created" "Modified" and "Accessed"
Just check the "Created" date
and that will tell you when the file was first put onto the laptop.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Sweetie, to blame the company that reconditioned the laptop ...... mmmm....I find this highly unlikely as they usually reformat the hard drive to get rid of all data. You also talk about him being on adult friend finder, how did you find out? How long have you been in a relationship with him? Maybe its time to have a talk with him to discuss your concerns, and if he wants to persue women on adult friend finder, then you must decide if thats what you are willing to put up with or not.
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Well, reconditioned laptops are wiped while in the process of being reconditioned, so no, there is no way that there could be pictures of naked chicks on there. I mean, companies have to watch themselves anyway. Can you imagine if some woman bought the laptop for their kid and there were these pictures on there? These machines are wiped totally and restored to new condition as much as they can be.
It sounds to me like he has been caught out, and let's face it it's a pretty crappy lie. He may not have physically cheated on you and may not even be emotionally attached to this internet "lover", but only he knows how far it may have gone if you had not found out. He seems like a pretty shifty guy to me, and I dont blame you for thinking the elationship is destroyed. I mean, how can you trust him? And who's to say that he wont do it again, just maybe on a different computer, such as at work?
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hi....it's highly doubtful that a company would sell a laptop without formatting (erasing everything) the hard drive before it was sold -- re-conditoned or not.
Sorry, but I can't believe any company would sell any laptop with naked pictures on it.
He keep the fact he was using adult friend finder behind your back, so why should these pictures be any different?
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