A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Would love your opinion on what you think rational, logical men are like in love? I'm very sensitive and emotional, whereas my partner is rational and logical. He said to me: with it not intending to be an arrogant sounding thing, that the greatest compliment he can give me is just wanting to be with me. He operates on the idea that he wants to be happy and will not let anything get in his way of having a simple happy life. He's very motivated - considers his job not as a career but as something he does because it makes him happy and he wants to do the best he can in it. I asked him where his other priorities lie like love and relationships. I asked him: do you feel surges of emotions like love and sadness and such, and he looked confused!!! It was an amusing talk, he said he doesn't feel emotion too much - everything is calculated and that's just how his mind works. He tells me he loves me and I make him happy and that's all he wants. I guess I'm trying to understand why he doesn't FEEL more!!! On the plus side, I think a logical and rational man would be more trustworthy and reliable partner - what do you think? He also reckons he can LEARN how to be more emotional, I don't think it works like that.... I'm just taken aback! He thinks I read into things a lot and its not a positive way to be.... Whereas how he operates is, if it doesn't make you happy, don't do it. Reading into things too much inevitably won't make you happy. He's VERY intelligent on a lot of subjects yet he chose to work in health and fitness because politics was making him too unhappy. I don't really have a question, I'm just confused with trying to understand such a mindset! Rational v emotional: which works best, can it work together, is rational and unemotional a good trait in a partner? :-) thanks for your input! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Neither trait is better than the other. What's important is that both people are speaking a common language. That says to me that it does not work for a relationship when one partner is very sensitive and emotional and the other is very rational and calculated. But people fall on a wide spectrum so in many relationships one partner is more emotional and the other is more rational but neither are that much more so than the other. In which case that relationship can work because the differences are not so extreme that they can still empathize with and understand each other. If the similarities outweigh the differences then the differences serve to "add spark" to the relationship by providing variety and just enough pushing beyond your comfort zone that it feels exciting. But if the differences outweigh the similarities then they divide and drive a wedge and aggravate. So it all just depends on how far apart polar opposites you are. In my personal observation I have seen some marriages where the husband is the rational one (engineer, banker etc) and the wife is an artist or writer, usually supported financially by the husband. However to me it seems these marriages are kind of routine and seem more like traditional gender roled stereotypes being conformed to. and that the truly flourishing marriages are where both husband and wife are artists and collaborate with each other and inspire each other. or both are rational like business people and build an empire together. I think the real danger which for sure kills the relationship is if one partner doesn't respect the other. Is he rational and logical because that's how he is naturally or because he believes it is "bad " or weak or immature to be emotional and sensitive so he trains himself to be as stoic as possible? There is a difference. Similarly are emotional people that way naturally or because they believe this is the only way to live honestly and truthfully and that to be rational means to be deceptive and manipulative?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): My partner and I are both rational and logical. How rational men express themselves is through sex. It seems the only way they know how to be vulnerable and let down their inhibitions and connect is when they are having sex. This might lead them to skip what you consider the romantic moments and just go straight to sex. That can be annoying but it is how they are. That said I think my partner is actually more emotional than he lets on just that he has been conditioned to not show it. Thus their feelings get bottled up inside. Sometimes during sex or afterwards he gets very emotional while to me I am just ho hum thinking about other stuff. And yes of course your bf is emotional too. If he didn't feel much he wouldn't be wanting a romantic relationship, right? I don't know if it can work for you to be honest. If he is afraid of showing feelings yet you feel abandoned or rejected if he doesn't, while he feels smothered by your expressiveness, then to me that is a dead end. You can both make effort to change a bit for each other but what you would be changing is behavior not the cravings for more expression (for you) or the fear of vulnerability (for him) . Some men are actually very emotional but have been conditioned to believe they must pretend to be rational and logical to be respected as a man. But since at heart they are very emotional, they would welcome a gf or wife who is freely emotional as she gives him the excuse to indulge his expressive needs without having to do it himself and blow his cover. Other people actually feel uncomfortable with expressions of feelings. Maybe they grew up being in a conflict ridden house and have come to fear expressions of emotion. For such men, an emotional gf or wife would only trigger very real and deep seated discomfort. No it isn't true that a logical rational man is more trustworthy. My rational partner cheated on his ex (who was the "emotional " type or so he says). They can rationalize anything if they wanted to.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Men and women are completely different, always have been. always will be. Men are not like us when it comes to love and relationships. We women looked for 'meanings' and 'answers' and get ourselves into an unnecessary state. The vast majority of men take the attitude that they love their partner, he's happy, she's happy so what more is there to talk about, end of story. Just accept your partner for the person he is, you will never change him. If you keep looking deeper you'll drive yourself crackers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): I'm literally ending a marriage because of the reasons you listed here. I married a man who is very logical, robotic even. I am very emotional and in tune with my emotions. Whenever I was upset he wouldn't know how to comfort me, even worse he was annoyed by it. He couldn't ever say how much he loved me or how he truly felt towards me. He could only say he didn't want to be with anyone else. He made me feel like a crazy person for being emotional and he always came off as very cold. The good parts of him is why I married him. He is very intelligent, dependable and honest. But I never had the emotional connection. I had to stifle my emotional side a lot because when I let it out I didn't get any sort of response I wanted. I'd be upset about a big issue and he would just sit there saying nothing. I'd say I love you and pour out my heart and all he could say back was 'love you too' and couldn't get into descriptions and feelings for me. He was also awful at giving compliments. Anything that would make him vulnerable or feeling he stayed away from. If he is like my husband I would stay away. We believe my husband has alexithymia, you should research this and find out if your boyfriend could possibly have it. There's a possibility he just has a wall up or can be less emotional than others as most say men just are, but my husband isn't simply unemotional and your boyfriend might have bigger issues too. Just think very hard and prepare yourself for a long difficult relationship where you don't have your needs met and may never feel truly loved by your partner. He seems to be warning you and you should take it seriously.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): I am the original poster. Thanks for your advice... YouWish I wonde if my description of the chat was one sided as I know I didn't paint a good picture. He is a caring a loving person. I was sick a couple of weeks ago and he took excellent care of me. He is good at showing his emotions more than he realises. But he's kind of nerdy and I think he has been very hurt by someone before and was weak as a person after that relationship and so he doesn't want to let himself get hurt again.
I do agree with your point about what happens when the going gets tough though and I think I will have to talk to him about this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Most men are brought up to be masculine, and unemotional. The older they are, the more likely they had the old-school upbringing that meant you don't cry or openly exhibit emotion.
Men are naturally logical creatures. We don't emotionalize as easily as women. However; because we are biologically different, nature also has wired us differently emotionally.
Yes, we can be whiny and weak. We can be clingy and sappy; but that is dependent on the environment and upbringing we have as we're growing up as children.
You are misreading your husband's reluctance to outward showing of emotion as total logic. That isn't true at all.
He suppresses the outpouring of emotion and prefers a cool and calm delivery. He feels every single emotion that you do, he just prefers that it isn't a show-all and tell-all exhibition.
It is likely his father is much the same kind of man. Only, your husband would be a more refined version. He tweaked what he didn't really like about his dad's personality. The evidence is that he communicates with you, and he tells you he loves you. His father would not find that in itself very macho, he wouldn't say it in words. These type of men will either soften as they grow older; or die stern lonely old men.
Men are not Vulcans; we are humans. We have to open up or we'll crack. Logic is a way of thinking, not a personality.
Don't judge by appearance. It's what is going on in his heart that tells who and what he really is as a man.
I am a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. If a man's every action shows he loves you, you have little to worry about. However; women prefer a more romantic approach to love, and saying it in words seals the deal.
Logical men find emotionalizing weak and bordering on irrational. Although I'm gay, I sometimes find weepy and emotional men unsettling. I feel we should exude strength; because it also reflects confidence and self-assurance. Not to be confused with arrogance or narcissism.
Most logical men think before they speak. They control outbursts of emotions; but they are lousy to have around when you need someone to comfort you. This is totally awkward for them. A sobbing and hysterical woman would send them running for the hills. They can't open up and show empathy in an emotional way, they can express consoling words; but it would be very robotic. That isn't healthy. It is one of the reasons women live longer.
They feel the presence of love, but put on a facade that they are not totally under it's spell. They make it perfectly clear they are immune to manipulation; and have full control of their faculties.
However; with the right woman (or guy, if you're gay), he is total putty in your hands. He passive aggressively disagrees; but he doesn't want to seem soft or mushy, or impulsive. It embarrasses him to appear sentimental in any way. There is a soft spot deep inside. He works soooo hard not to let it show. However; he is usually very creative in doing wonderful things to show his appreciation. I had someone like this for 28 years.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Heh, I personally think he's full of crap and you should see right through him.
He's actually saying that drivel in order to give you the illusion that he's the one with the power to control the relationship, and the the seemingly less-interested partner is the one in control.
What he sounds like is a self-centered insecure person.
Think about it this way - he doesn't want you to know that he's really into you, because he believes that being vulnerable gives you power over him. He's also self-centered because of the following:
"the greatest compliment he can give me is just wanting to be with me". No. I would laugh at a guy who tried that on me and tell him that's the biggest steaming pile of bullshit I ever heard. It's the other way around. He's lucky YOU are into him. You are the one with choices. You could be with any number of guys. It's a lot easier for you to find anyone than it is for him.
He says he has a job because it makes *him* happy. He loves you because you make *him* happy. Politics made him UNhappy.
Listen, drop the whole notion of emotion vs reason, because that's the disguise of what this whole thing is about. Truthfully, the way this discussion went down should be a pretty big red flag for you.
It isn't logic and unemotionalism that causes a person to be this selfish. He wants his life and everyone around him to benefit him. He wants you to think that his interest is God's gift to you because for you to think that way would benefit HIM.
A true, mature, honest, long-term relationship is a selfless one. As partners, you make each other happy. For him to love you simply because you make HIM happy is not good. What happens if you marry, have a kid, disaster strikes, job loss, relationship friction which hits the best of relationships, this supposedly non-emotional guy will flake out and run for the hills because you're not gratifying him, or worse. He'll cheat because it'll make HIM happy.
Don't you get it? Your boyfriend is not rational. He's a flake. He's an intelligent one because he thinks that you'll buy into his bullshit and put up with it. He's equating "emotional" with stupid. It's not. There is strength in emotions if you are the master of them.
He's not some mythical calculated thinking person. That's what he wants you to think because it BENEFITS him. And when things come up down the line, he'll feed you a line he thinks will sound complicated along with subtle emotional blackmail that is intended to keep you off-balance for fear of losing this great intelligent gift, and you'll actually fall into place for him hoping to make him happy. Then he knows he can play your emotions like a fiddle.
Be careful with him, but don't buy his "the greatest compliment" crap for a second. He's with you for himself, his own self-interests. The moment you demand more is the moment he'll flake out and abandon you.
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