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female
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anonymous
writes: Is it silly to leave my husband over porn? I feel a bit foolish but cant accept the fact he enjoys looking at other womens bodies. I feel like I am a beautiful woman so why should he want to see any other female naked. It hurts my pride and I think Id be better off alone than with him if he doesnt feel 100% satisfied with just looking at me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): To the guy who wrote the response beginning "Porn is bad, a shameful habit. But I don't think it's a sufficient reason in and of itself to destroy...." may I say what an intelligent and helpful soul you are.. I was reading this page after searching for answers to my own predicament of husband and porn, and your response was just what I needed to read. I feel so much better and I'd just really like to say a huge THANK YOU.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): I am going through the samething and asking myself the same question. I do not think it is silly. The reason being is because it makes you feel insecure about yourself. Therefore taking away bits and pieces of you, slowly.
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female
reader, leaa +, writes (19 September 2006):
Don't do anything you will regret at the moment.
Speak openly to him about how how intimidated it makes you feel. How would he feel if you were to enjoy looking at other naked men.....
Try to enhance your sex life by mimicking the porn act he watches, it may well spice up both your sex lives.
Good luck honey....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): I agree with the others when they say, although indirectly, this is done.
Time to move on to other posts where we can actually help people who want it.
This isn't a debate forum.
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male
reader, Hubris man +, writes (12 September 2006):
 Do you understand that happily married men getting sex on a fairly frequent basis still masterbate? This is prefectly normal and must be accepted to have an honest relationship. If you demand otherwise you are setting up a relationship where he will be forced to lie to you.
Ok, now that we are past that, when he does masterbate do you expect him to get off just thinking of you? Guys arn't built that way. Its a fact guys are almost completely visually stimulated. If you really want a honest relationship maybe you can get together and make a little home-made porn for him. Don't rush to dum p this relationship for a reason that you will just recreate in the next.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Malyce, I'm not sure who you're addressing with that last comment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): I am going to have to say; after reading this post and the respondants replies...you sound scarily familiar.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Then it has now become your sin.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Porn is bad, a shameful habit. But I don't think it's a sufficient reason in and of itself to destroy a marriage. I'm a guy, so you can ignore my views as such, or listen to them as an insider's perspective from the other half of humanity.
Men have to work hard to keep their eyes faithful. Already this fact disappoints women. Women, it seems to me, prefer the illusion that their husband's exclusive regard for his wife's beauty emerges naturally and spontaneously out of his pure and undyng love for her. It doesn't. He notices beauty wherever it happens to exist, but he LOVES it as it exists in his wife.
Here's a vital fact: my love for my wife is indeed pure and undying, but it finds expression in how hard I work--yes work--to keep my eyes faithful. And sometimes I fail. I just do. I'm sorry about it, I don't like it, and I work hard to minimize it. But it's work, pure and simple. You ladies are just going to have to accept that about men. The only men I know about for whom it is not a problem are the few percentage points who show up on some survey, and most of them are probably lying.
But I keep hearing the question,"Why does he feel the need to look at anyone else?" It's just a fact that a man's eyes are finely-tuned instruments that indiscriminately notice any and every sexual cue, without fail.
The real question is what we, as men, do next. Do we linger over it, prolong it, seek out more visual access, fantasize about the image, etc? Or do we acknowledge that erotic stimuli has hit us just long enough to get out of its way. Those of us who choose the latter have to work at it. It takes practice, just like many other worthwhile things in life. Frankly, it's a pain in the butt.
Second, it's not always good to shoe away every little erotic sight that passes our notice. There have been many times where a little something I noticed got me thinking of my beautiful wife and led to a whole host of wonderful things at a mutually convenient time and place. (The same thing has happened to her, too, but that's another story).
Since a male's eyes take in erotic information indiscriminately, his erotic attention can easily and very naturally be re-directed to its proper recipient. The good news is that this strategy does not take nearly as much work as constantly and ridiculously averting our eyes, and everyone goes away happy.
And let's be honest. If you are an attractive woman, would you like it if a faithfully married man noticed you and then cringed with shame? "That man finds me attractive and is therefore repulsed by me. How sweet!"
That is not usually how it works, I would guess. In fact, my mother-in-law's happily married girlfriend confessed to feeling a sense of loss and disappointment when she reached an age at which young men no longer made eyes at her. It's nice to be noticed, isn't it? You might consider that before you judge us for doing the noticing.
Back to the porn issue. As I've said elsewhere, men who look at porn are sometimes looking more at sex than they are at women as such. Lots and lots of porn depicts men and women engaged in various sexual acts. For obvious reasons, I haven't done--and don't plan to do--a scientific study about it. But images of women posing is only a subset of what men are consuming. The rest is all about images of sex as sex. For men, sex is largely experienced visually, so it's possible for men to get an erotic charge out of sex just by looking at it, even if someone else is enjoying it (or pretending to enjoy it). That certainly doesn't make it OK, but the issue in question is not entirely one of him "looking at other women."
Next, even when men look at pinup imagines--i.e., a solo woman posing nude and/or provocatively--they don't tend to fixate for long on one particular model. Even if she's literally the most beautiful woman in the world he will pass quickly onto another picture of another model. He will get bored quickly if there's only one model to look at, and it doesn't matter how beautiful she is. Variety is the thing.
Again, it's all terrible and demeaning... to the viewer as much as to the women being viewed. But so often I hear distraught wives imagining that their husband's porn habit is an expression of his preference for some other lady over her. It is indeed a kind of unfaithfulness, but not the way it is imagined to be.
Often guys don't really think of their habit in terms of who they prefer to look at. They want to look at pretty much anyone and everyone. As I said, not even the most beautiful of women gets a preferential stare for long. He probably finds almost all of them beautiful in one way or another, although he does notice graditions of beauty between them.
As for where you as his wife fits in? Well, if he keeps up with his nasty habit, he will lose his eyes for you, but not in favor of some porn bimbo. No, he'll lose his eyes for you because he will have fried them altogether. His prolonged exposure to an endless parade of nude women will eventually diminish his capacity to register distinctions between conventional and sexual stimuli. You won't be able to turn him on anymore. He'll only have eyes for women in the abstract, just as his habit has trained him; but not any particular woman, and not you. He might find himself having to look at porn to get his blood up in order to perform sexually. And that's gonna suck!
Guys, stop being idiots!
Ladies, get smart about this issue and get your man some help. Do not live with this habit. Forbid it. Keep him accountable, for his sake and for yours. Put the computer out in the common areas of the house, not in the bedroom. Acknowledge that he's gonna have to work at it and don't freak out at sporadic and infrequent failure.
Do you want to allow this to destroy an otherwise decent marriage? Maybe you do. But consider well what's really going on and don't assume that the meaning that YOU attach to his failure is an accurate reflection of how he really feels about you. It's not a decision you'll wanna make with a reactionary spirit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): I agree, you have definitely made your mind up and are simply debating the issue about porn, or so it seems.
I think it's an extreme view you have about men that use porn, but it's your view so live and let live.
Not sure what you hoped to get out of posting the question, you clearly aren't prepared to compromise your view on the matter so go do what you want!!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 September 2006):
 You have obviously made up your mind already so why are you asking us whether you should leave?
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (12 September 2006):
 I think it is silly of a so-called feminist to write to an advice forum asking for advice about whether she should leave her husband over porn or not.
My answer: Yes, you are silly. Next question. . . .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): thats exactly my oint sweetheart ....there is more to life than wasting t on a guy that likespoint...at least this way i have a chance of happiness where I can live a life with no associations with porn of the animals that use it...best wishes
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): to stay together we would both be accepting second best (settling) I would be settling for a man who has desres I do not want in a partner and he would be accepting a woman whos body is second best to the ones he looked at (yes he said that although he is attracted to me their bodies are flawless) he certainly would prefer my body had none of the signs of aging or of having had children if given the choice)
I believe there are men out there who think a womans body is more mature with feminine 'flaws and age' My h is ot one of them (like most men) I think I deserve better than this and am ok with being alone f no such man exists My h on the other hand is begging me to reconsider and I must be honest he is a ver sweet man......but I would rather not settle on such an important topic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): It would be better for me to get out now so we can both deal with the pain of seperation than stay and make his life hell through my nonforgiveness....that seems to me to be the best possible outcome when I cant accept the facts. Yes it is my fault that I do not forgive...but the way I see it...he has stopped his behaviour but the desire will always be there....(no fault f his but something I cant reconcile)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Good points Malcye, unfortunately I dont think Im a big enough person to forgive such actions as his. It has been over ayear since he last viewed it and even though Ive had counseling I cant seem to reconcile to wanting to spend my life with a man who could stoop this low as to look at other naked women when he is married. You are right, we all sin and my lack of forgiveness is my sin but sadly one I cant seem to overcome
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Then what is forgiveness? What is I am sorry? What is making a promise and keeping it?
Who here is perfect? Do we not at one time or another stumble? Who here does no wrong?
He is human.
I agree that a man should love and honour his wife but as she said, he no longer does it so she believes...so why still be angry, resentful; why feed the anger until that is all that is left? Then there is no room to forgive and love. She made promises and vows as well to her husband...now she needs to live them more than anything...she needs to forgive and grow with him and love him.
That is what MARRIAGE is...patience, long suffering, forgiveness, to be humble, to love, to accept, to support, to validate, to do so with one another at all times and even when one falls ...more than anything that is when you are to KEEP and HONOUR your vows...to be there for the other and to lift them back up and by your side where they belong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): if he had love and respect for e he never would have used the porn in the first place imo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): If he has honored you requests and chooses to obstain from porn viewing out of his love and repect for you; then forgive him.
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A
male
reader, gat +, writes (12 September 2006):
 Don't leave him.
Consider porn--A drug. IF NOT WORSE.
He needs help-
Talk to him about it--Its--an--addiction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Ariel, as you may have guessed I am a feminist and consider it a compliment to be called one....after all a feminist is simply a person who believe that women should be valued and respected in the same way as men are.......Porn does NOT do this...It treates women in a totally different way than men...It does not represent women in a realistic way but the men could have been fond anywhere...on the street...have you seen them???they dont always fit a norrow scope of looks or behaviour (like the women) So when you said some will turn it into a feminist debate.....YES IT IS A DEBATE ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND ME AND ALL WOMEN BEING VALUED AS WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEINGS NOT BODY PARTS
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): sorry forgot to say....he doesnt use it anymore (to my knowledge) but the problem for me is that he could bring himself to act in such a disrespectful way in the first place....doesnt he have any feelings for me or the rest of the women in the world....as as a psych grad I totally believe that this compartmentalisation crap about men is a sad excsue to explain their selfish behaviour...sorry but I spent 6 yrs studying it and there is absolutely no scientific basis for it...its just some thoery to explain away their abhorrant behaviours
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): thanks to both of you. Ariel I dont really thik there is much point in talking about this with my husband because I want porn to play NO part in our relationship....anything less and I would feel like Im settling for a life that is less than happy for me. (and I really believe we should all strive for happiness)In most area I will compromise but some I simply cant these include if he was violent, an adulterer, an abuser, or a porn viewer. To me they are all revolting behaviours and I want no intimate connection with anyone who is involved in them. Really I guess this shows what my decsionmust be. I read on another post that we teach people how to treat us...so I guess by staying and 'compromising' on this issue I would be teaching him that behavioing in ways that I find disrecpectful to me and females in general is OK
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): I think you'll get alot of responses from both sides, some saying leave him and others saying all men look. All I can tell you is to do some soul searching. Is this something you'll never be able to understand? If so then maybe you should leave but not befor talking to him first about the way it makes you feel and that you are considering divorce because of it. If he's a good man and he loves you he may well stop. Some people can put others feelings over their own sexual needs. Please think this through and talk to him before making your decesion. Good luck!
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