A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend still has a lot of female friends from high school. He is now 33. Some of them are ex gfs and others are girls he just hooked up with once or twice. They are all friends on FB and continue to see each others in groups or separately as he still lives in his highschool town. Obviously I don't know his whole sexual history (sounds like he has a long one) but whenever he is in touch with a girl from highschool I can't help but wonder if he had sex wih her. He wants me to meet some and i feel a little uncomfortable about it. Imagine going out with a bunch of his old friends knowing that he had sex with most of the women there? You know what I mean?!Is it fair for me to ask who he had sex with?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): I don't know anyone who would be fine with their partner secretly hanging out with exes and not telling them.
If you don't know which of your partner's friends have romantic histories then its effectively the same problem. I think its VERY reasonable and RIGHT to want to know the histories. Maybe not every detail but at least a basic rundown of who has ever exchanged fluids or called themselves a couple.
"Leave the past in the past" is great advice when the exes are in the past. But these other women are still a part of your BF's present life. That makes it your business to know some background info about their relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): My response will be a little different from others'.
I have a rule that I do not talk to/stay in touch with anyone I've had sex with. Therefore, I expect my partner to do the same thing. I told my boyfriend this in the very beginning. I said, "I don't want you talking to your exes", and he stopped. If that had been an issue for him, I would've ended the relationship.
Seriously, there are hundreds of people I can be friends with. I personally have no reason to stay in touch with old flames, hookups, whatever.
You could give your BF that same rule (assuming that you follow it as well), and see how he responds.
Some people might think I'm "controlling" or "insecure", and that may be a bit true, but it sure as hell beats wondering which of his friends he's had sex with...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2015):
 Nope. I don't think his sexual past is really any of your business.
I would personally meet them, I have found meeting exes makes them feel like less of a "treat" to the relationship and If they harbor any romantic feelings towards your guy, seeing him with you CAN nip that in the bud.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 January 2015):
 No....
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (3 January 2015):
 Some things are better left unsaid. If you knew everything about your boyfriends past you will find yourself dwelling on things he said, then getting upset and eventually becoming very unsettled. As previously suggested, politely decline meeting his female friends. What's the point of meeting them anyway? You both need to move forward together and make new friends. Would he perhaps like to meet your former male friends? Probably not.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (3 January 2015):
No, I agree with Ciar that it's a very intrusive question.
I also think that the answers would not allay your feelings of anxiety.
If he says "No", will you believe him or will you still be wondering? How long until you want to ask the same question about another girl? And another one?
If he says "Yes", will you be able to accept that as your answer? Or will it give rise to more and more questions? How long did you date for? Did you just sleep with her once? Have you slept with her since you broke up? Do you still fancy her? Do you think she's prettier than me? Would you have got back together? Okay, so you might not ask your b/f these questions - but they'll be swirling around your head.
I see red flags for this relationship because I think you will still have problems accepting his sexual past.
And, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think I'd be able deal with it too well either. How did you find out that he'd slept with so many of his female friends?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 January 2015):
 No. I think that would be a bit tacky and intrusive, but I can understand your position.
I would politely decline to meet up with his female friends on the grounds that they might be former lovers and leave it at that. Do not criticize these women or his ongoing association with them. This way you give him the opportunity to volunteer information that might reassure you without you blaming or cornering him.
Continued contact with former lovers is usually a red flag so you might want to re-evaluate your investment here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Been there. I've been in a situation like yours. In my case, the gut wasn't worth dating and I regret ever knowing him. Brings bad memories back. It's OK for you to be picky about who you date. Find someone more compatible with you.
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