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age
30-35,
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writes: In high school, I was an overweight awkward boy who had no chance of getting with any girl. At the end of junior year I slimmed down a lot, changed my style, started working out to this day and I keep going with it. I had a girlfriend for a bit over a year into college but never had sex. I'm almost done with college(Small private school), and I have not had anything with any girl since my breakup. I have been on a few dates with 3-4 girls that never materialized into anything bigger. They do want to become my friends, but half of them ended up going out with guys I know and for this reason, I want to cut off ties with them. I know that for a guy getting rejected is important so he stops caring, but when does it stop hurting? I've been rejected by about eight or nine girls in my dating life that I got to know, asked out, took on dates and each time I start critiquing myself and what I do wrong. I end up losing them to some other guy. But after each rejection, I shut down for like a month and work harder at improving myself. I take note of everything I don't like about myself and try to fix everything one by one, wondering if I'll ever get good enough to be in control of my dating life. Can you Aunts help me determine what my problem is? I'm kind of two-sided when it comes to expressing myself as alone I'm very insecure, but when I'm out with friends/at school I tend to be confident. There is a girl that I've grown up with for the longest time that I think is into me but I don't want to make a move on her because I know her so well, we aren't compatible. Would it be better to take anything I can get or is being conscious of compatibility a good thing?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Reading up on social interactions is a good thing, but you NEED to put it to use. WITH real people (aka girls).
You can get companionship from family and friends you DO get something a bit different from a partner. But to think that you are not whole without a partner is going to make you sad.
The more you "get out there" in society, among people the bigger the chance of you meeting someone that you might hit it off with.
For now I would honestly focus on bettering your social interaction.
I went out on a date with a guy who was a friend of a friend. Not at all my type, but he did seem nice, so I went. But he was too eager to make us a couple just because we shared a meal and a awkward conversation. We just didn't click and he was mad when I told him I didn't feel like we had anything in common. IT HAPPENS.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand I need to lose the desperation, operating is difficult. Not caring is hard too. I have gone periods where I simply tell myself to not care and I end up isolating myself from girls. I have been reading up social interaction so its not like I am not trying. I dont mope to people in real life as I think that shows weakness. Cerberus, I really compartmentalized loneliness because I feel some things I can get from a girl/girlfriend, I cant get from friends or family.Ive asked out a few different types of girls so i dont think im stuck on one type. How does one go about liking themselves correctly? I have just been changing stuff about me to improve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): No it wouldn't be good to go for anything you can get. That would be as unfair on the girl as you're being on yourself right now. What if she falls in love with you and you still feel nothing? That wouldn't be nice at all seeing as you knew from the beginning it wouldn't work.
OP you're taking rejection too personally, that's why it hurts you. I've been rejected more times than you've had dinners, it's nothing personal. Just like olives you can't be to everyone's taste. It's not a reflection on you if a woman isn't interested, you're just not to her taste.
Your problem, OP, is your lack of self-belief, you're just waiting for things to fail to confirm your opinion of yourself and invariably that's going to happen because you make it happen.
OP rejection stings, but it should only sting from the point of view of you not getting what you want in that moment and nothing more.
I was rejected by about 10 women in one night, all but one used the boyfriend excuse and the other her boyfriend was standing next to her, I was just a tad drunk hehe. makes no difference to me. There are a million reasons why women will reject you and none of them is a personal reflection on you, just a matter of taste.
You need to get rid of your desperation though, OP, no matter how well you think you hide it you just can't. Women have a nose for it and they can smell you a mile away.
I mean you called yourself lonely-guy as your username here, you do realise that's not exactly what women find sexy right?
An 18-21 year old who mopes about how lonely they are and how hurt rejection makes them and how insecure they are, that shit is your biggest cockblock. OP if you don't like yourself then you're going to find it's difficult for women to like you too.
Stop thinking you're lonely without a woman, you have friends and family don't you? Then how are you so lonely? You're putting too much importance into this and have foolishly linked it to you self-esteem. OP you could very easily find a desperate woman today and start something with her, but it would be a bit of a nightmare because desperation makes people nuts.
It's not that you can't that's the issue, it's that you don't believe you can and it matters too much to you.
You're too young to be this emo about the whole thing. You need to stop caring and enjoy life, and funnily enough that's when women start to take notice. For some reason the sexiest men to women are the ones who are spoken for or who just seem not to give a damn about anything because they have faith in themselves.
You could get laid tonight, you could find a woman who will start dating you very easily, the only thing stopping you is what's in your head.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2014):
You said (and I quote):
****I'm kind of two-sided when it comes to expressing myself as alone I'm very insecure, but when I'm out with friends/at school I tend to be confident.****
You might THINK you come off as confident, but I don't really think you do. And I don't think girls perceive you as confident either, which might be your biggest hurdle.
I think you still perceive yourself as the chubby guy from High School and THAT is what you project (whether you are aware of it or not).
You don't have to be some super Adonis to find a girl. But you DO have to BE OK with WHO you are. NO ONE is expecting perfection from you. You say you keep fine-tuning yourself. You don't do it for you you do it because you think OTHERS will like this or that better. FOCUS on yourself a while.
The girls you ask out are they the same "type" because it can be as simple as YOU asking out the wrong kind of girl. Maybe you go for the pretty, self-absorbed, princess type who wouldn't know a decent fella if he landed at her feet.
It can be you go in with WAY to high expectations. You assume that because they go out on a date with you they want to be your GF/have sex with you. Some girls can't even say no thanks when asked on a date. It's kind of sad but that is how SOME girls are. When a girl says LET'S be friends, it not because they WANT to be your friend they just want to let you down easily because they aren't into you. Girls are raised to be "nice" and "polite" to people to not "hurt" other's feelings thus the whole "let's be friends".
Or you ask out girls who are already "crushing" on someone else. Are you good at reading people? Are you good at simple small talk?
I would NOT "take anything" you can get, that wouldn't be fair on the girl. You ARE aware that girls have feelings too, right?
I would take a few nights (when out with friends) and OBSERVE the guys who seems successful with girls. See how their interact - try and read between the lines. Not that you should COPY them but observe.
Are you in any clubs, social groups, hobby-clubs? If so I' would practice my small talk and social skills there.
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