A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm constantly paranoid about my new relationship and don't know if I should stay in it. Last December I broke up with a guy I'd been with for four years. He left me, to be precise. At first he said he didn't love me any more but later I found out he'd left me for someone else. It wasn't a good relationship. I should have left him in hindsight but I loved him too much, or I thought I did. After the initial pain I was much better off without him. I got my life back. I got to be happy again. I got over him much faster than I thought I would because I could recognise that he wasn't good for me. I was really enjoying being single and wanted to stay that way for a while.Then, about two months ago I met a guy I really liked. He asked me out and, in spite of my resolution, I figured I liked him so why not? He was nothing like my ex and everything I wanted in a guy, sarcastic and funny but very sweet when we were alone together and very patient about sex (which I made him wait six weeks for - he even told me to stop when we were both drunk because he knew I'd regret it). The only problem was he wanted to move fast (getting into a proper relationship, seeing each other lots) but I was really frightened of getting properly involved because last time that didn't turn out very well at all. After we finally slept together I freaked out about how serious things were. I talked to him about it and he calmed me down and told me he wouldn't string me along like my ex did. Then the next day he said he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship because of his own baggage. He said he knew it was his fault that we had moved that fast but now he wasn't sure what he wanted but he really liked me. He had to go to work but before he left he said he thought he wanted to break up. Then afterwards he came round to see me and told me he'd just panicked about how fast things were going and we agreed to take things slower.Then I went on holiday so we had ready made space. However, I haven't been able to stop freaking out since. He's been less communicative than he used to be. I don't know if I'm just seeing signs where there aren't any because with my ex I missed all the signs or whether there's something going on with him. I'm starting to doubt whether I'm emotionally capable of having a relationship right now. I don't want to end things because apart from our mutual freak outs we've got along so well and he made me really happy. The relationship has just felt better than the one with my ex ever did, even in the beginning. I know it may sound like a rebound but it's not. I had my chances at rebounds. I started seeing this guy in spite of it being not long after my ex left me not because of it. I just don't want to look back and think wish I'd ended things sooner like I do all the time about my ex. Am I better off breaking up with him and taking some time to sort myself out? Or do you think we can make this work?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
Thank you for your advice. I am feeling a bit more zen now. I am glad we have had this space while I've been out of the country to breathe.
I think I will talk to him when I next see him and see what he thinks about our relationship. Reading your advice made me realise how little I want to end things. He is a really great guy. I know he panicked but so did I. He's the kind of guy who pretends to be a bad guy but is a massive softy when no one's around (unlike my ex who everyone loved but who was actually a bad guy.)I want to involve him in whatever decision we make and I think I should see him and talk to him before I decide to end things.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I think you should concentrate on yourself. It's like you crave love and fear love at the same time. No guy likes to know that he is hurting you emotionally and triggering your fears. He had been very patient and he is afraid that he has to wait forever for you to find yourself again.
I have been with problematic men with emotional problems and each time I stayed a shorter time because I tell myself that I would not bring drama in my life again. Before I would date any guy thinking why not try him out. Then I would tell myself to be more picky. Right now I am enjoying being single. Whether the guy is telling the truth it doesn't matter. He could be using all the buzzwords, blaming it all on himself, just to sound nice.
I believe you when you say this is not a rebound but powerful emotions don't just stem from your previous relationship. It goes way back to your childhood, and your unresolved issues. It is a very difficult thing to describe what being centered means but it is something that you feel one day, that you are liberated and imperturbable even amongst storms.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Hi,My two cents. The most important organ in a relationship is your heart. I would break up with him and take some time to yourself and make sure you know as best as you can what your heart can deal with and what it cannot. If you know this already and the guy is worth the trouble for your heart then the next step is to talk about the baggage's you two have and if both of you are committed to overcoming them.All this however, requires you to be serious about a relationship and if right now you are questioning that then maybe its not the right time. While a happy relationship is good you have to look inside yourself and really see if another relationship will be good for you right now in the long run. My point is, have mercy on your heart. You have to want something more than just a relationship that is better than your ex because a lot of great guys out there can provide that. In a serious relationship you have to know if this is the person you want to spend all eternity with. That if you die and see them in the next life that this is the person you would spend all eternity with. It doesn't sound like at this moment you are ready to make such decisions. Thus, it is okay to not want a serious relationship. Better yet, the guy seems like he is looking for his life partner and you were a possibility for him, he has to accept that you are not in that place right now. If it doesn't work out then its okay, you don't loose anything, rather you listened to your heart and saved both your hearts from potential pain. If he wants to move on let him. The freak outs are both your hearts saying, "whoa hold on lets make sure we're not on quick sand". Perhaps you both need different things from a relationship you are not aware of. Listen to your heart, guard it, nurture it and feed it like a baby.
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