A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help!!I'm so confused.. I'm engaged, and my fiance and I have had no problems what so ever. We recently became engaged about two months ago, but have only been together about 10 months.Up until last week, I was very happy. An old friend who was my first love, but we never got the chance to pursue our love interest (given the fact he moved away) messaged me saying he's depressed because when he found out I was engaged, he realized we'd never get our chance.I love my fiance, but I feel torn. Part of me is wondering too if I'd be happier with someone I've known for 15 years instead of someone I've known for not even one..
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 What I'm thinking is this. You've known your boyfriend for 10 months. You recently got engaged. So, first off you barely know your boyfriend. Second, you're jumping ahead.
Stay engaged for now, but do not plan a marriage just yet. Wait until there is no doubt in your heart before you decide to set a date and marry. There is every chance that you and your boyfriend will not be happy together, as you really do not know another person until at least a year and a half into a relationship.
Same about your old friend. There is no way of telling if you and him would have a chance, or ever be happy together. You need to have been in a relationship with him for over a year before you'd know. And, seeing as he and you both waited all this time, instead of taking the chance to be together... well that says something about your level of committment towards each other. I think your old friend doesn't love you, but is more upset about another man having you. Perhaps your old friend took you for granted and though you'd always be there, and then he didn't put in the effort to be with you because it wasn't on the top of his priorities. It wasn't important enough. But now, when he sees he lost his chance, he gets involved again. However, if you and your boyfriend break up, perhaps your old friend will go back to how he was before, uninterested, and not willing to take a chance and actually be with you. I mean he had his chance 10 months ago, why didn't he take it? Does he really deserve a chance now, when he willingly gave his chances up before? People moving away isn't a reason to not be together, unless there is also distance in the heart.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Life is full of temptations and being married (or engaged) doesn't make them any easier to deal with. Not only that, first loves are often lingering fires that last a lifetime.
If you are really dedicated to your fiance, I would encourage you to lose contact with your first love. Yes, it will be difficult for you and him, but that's part of being engaged / married. You forsake all others... that's part of the vows and that's part of the deal. If you aren't certain you can handle that portion of being married, I think you need to reconsider what you are signing up for. There are no half ways in terms of loyalty to one's husband and there are no friends with first loves (they often get reignited).
Also, seeing your age listed at 18-21, I would also hope that you reconsider anyways. I don't know your maturity level, but getting that married that early in life is often times a lot of work and risk. Often times your career path isn't set, your finances aren't in order, and you still have schooling you may want to complete. During your early 20's there is SO much volatility with your life that it just puts a huge strain unless both parties know themselves and each other well and what they want out of life. Kids? Careers? Money compatibility?
I don't say that to scare you or be that old guy who tells young people what to do, but I've seen enough people come to this site who married way too young without fully knowing themselves or the person they were getting married to. I just don't want to see that happen to you and I hope you take some time for serious self-reflection and know what you are getting into. It takes a LOT more than love to make a marriage work -- especially over the long haul.
Eddie
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