A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is 17, and lives with my ex, but we’re in regular contact. Earlier today, she told me that her new boyfriend, whom she tells me she loves and treats her really well, has been in trouble with the police for being violent towards his ex girlfriend.Needless to say, I am very upset about this and have told her so. What can I do to make her see that she can’t ‘help’ him overcome his so-called anger issues and to just get out now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): You know if you make any suggestion for her to leave him she will do just the opposite.
Any obvious signs of your concern will put her on the defensive; because she has already fixated on this guy.
She thinks she is the only one who understands him. He has already made a psychological impression on her; and convinced her that it's all a misunderstanding. He's already told her the story of how he loves her and how the other girl is the bitch who destroyed him. He the tough rebellious bad-boy nobody understands. He's so in love with her.
My stomach turns; because I have personally witnessed this situation, and it makes me so angry.
She's on his side; and it's the world against him and her. She is his standby woman. Guys who are violent against women can't control their tempers, and it is just a matter of time before the bomb goes off. Just remember her dad is also at hand.
Just rest assured, at the first sign of trouble; the police already have his history on record.
The best you can do is report to the police the first sign of unexplained bruises. If she becomes isolated or communication becomes too limited. That's when you should be concerned.
Your ex-spouse also has some responsibility for her safety, and he is probably being a helicopter-parent just above their radar. You should do the same. Just be ready to pounce the first sign of violence.
Don't force them to cling to each other. She is caught up in the teenage drama; and any sign of your disapproval will add fuel to the fire.
Guys who have police records, usually end up back in jail.
If he has history of violence with his ex-girlfriend; he still has unfinished business and a score to settle. So he is likely to break probation; or any other legal restraints because he can't help it. You'll be rid of him through his own self-elimination. That doesn't mean she won't wait, but he'll be out of reach. She'll tire of waiting.
Try to make a reasonably friendly connection with him, just so he'll get used to you. Don't go making some obvious protective stance and cause tension. They are both on high alert.
He is probably under court-ordered anger-management counseling, and any future violations may land his ass in jail.
In this case, keep your enemy close. Put on a fake face of approval and pray.
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