A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My b/f of 3 yrs and I have a problem. During our first 3 years together, I worked at a place that gave me alot of flexibility in my hours, so I was able to travel with him when he attended out-of-town meetings and I got used to being with him and enjoying these little ventures. But recently, the company I worked for down-sized and I had to take a fulltime job somewhere else, working longer hours with no flexibility. When I was applying for jobs, I told my b/f I felt really bummed out about not being able to travel with him so much and he promised that he wouldn't travel as much once I got another job. The thing is, most of the meetings he attends are "fluff", meaning he really doesn't have to attend the majority of them, but he looks for opportunities to get out of the office so he makes himself available to go more often than the job requires. Well I finally landed a fulltime job, and the first week I started my job, he had 3 out of town trips that he attended and I was really upset because he told me he'd cut back. The thing I'm hung up on is this; in his two previous long-term relationships the thing that killed it for them was him being gone all the time; it caused them to eventually drift apart. I don't want us to end up this way. Before when he was married, both wives had children so they were quickly "grounded" at home to take care of the kids, while he continued to travel for meetings and work out of town. It appears that he has no intention on keeping his promise to me to travel less and I'm starting to feel like the pattern is repeating itself. Whenever we try to discuss it, we end up in an argument and then he claims that he has to travel for his job, but I know better. I know that half these meetings are not required they are just available to him and he uses it as a means of "escape. Only now, I felt like he's escaping me too and that makes me feel left out, and upset. On the other hand I don't want him to feel trapped, but it's affecting our relationship and we're fighting ore becuase of it. Also I've met some of the women who go to these meetings, and there have always been a few that seemed attracted to my b/f. When I was with him, it wasn't a problem but now I can't go, so I'm concerned. I just don't know what to do!!!
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 If you need to attend meetings with him (that's not normal, hun) in order to keep him on a short leash, then you know that he is prone to behaving like a dog and that he needs a leash. All of his previous behavior patterns point to the fact that he is not a great bet, that he's fickle, and that he doesn't like to stick around. "It appears that he has no intention of keeping his promise to me to travel less (to *fluff* meetings of his own choosing...)" is a pretty convincing statement and a clear demonstration of his intentions. This seems to be his old pattern, just as you say, repeating itself all over again. This really can't be coming to you as a total shock considering that you have written this all in your letter. It's not normal behavior, and not all men are like this. My husband has always had to travel for business, and we've lived in different countries while being married and raising a family, but I never had to worry about him, because he was never that type of guy.
You can't change other people's behavior, you can only change your own.
He has already shown you his true self and by traveling less, he has put into motion the beginning of the end. If the writing is already on the wall, frankly, I'd dump him first. At least you will have the first say in that, rather than sticking around for the inevitable. You should look for a nice guy that treats you the way that you deserve to be treated. Sorry. He's not worth your tears or effort, Hunny.
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