A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: So I've been doing a lot of reading lately, romance novels to be exact, and the cheesy one not the erotic kind. And after contemplating the choices I've made and the life I currently lived, and I feel empty. So I've recently finished college, and found myself in a long term Government Job, possibly for life. It has good pay, close to home, and nice hours but after all the reading I've done I found myself regretting not doing many things. I'm 23, never had a girlfriend and never went on a date. Girls I liked never had an eye on me either or was dating someone else so I never found myself actively seeking a girl during my school days, it was always study this and read that during school. I didn't feel like I was missing out before either. But now looking ahead I've kind of wished that I did went out as a teen and did things. Observing people at work, I'm the youngest one here by a decade (or more) and that kind of eliminates all dating options. I don’t know if it’s a post effect of all the reading that I've been doing but I'm freaking out a little bit. IS young love really all that? Or is it no different than adult dating. I’m regretting I never found out what it feels to have a romantic companion in the past. I feel empty now, and it’s hard for me to start actively seeking relationships because that’s not really the type of guy I am. I thought after I reached high school that I should go and just live my life and everything else even love will follow. Is it wrong? Should I go and put myself out there if I feel this alone? Or should I just continue being me and just let everything fall into place when it happens, if it ever happens?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 Young love is no different from adult love. To be in love, to be crazy about another person and to experience those feelings, dosent have an age limit. Dont have regrets, because all your experiences lie ahead of you. Feel excited instead.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): Hello Original Poster Here,
(who also wrote the previous long anonymous statement)
Riot2017, I would like to say thanks for taking the time and posting a series of advice that I could take in it really helps knowing that sometimes the answers in life are simple enough that you just have to do them. But why do you think I should get a therapist for? Im genuinely asking.
I'm just gonna say that I am happy right now and what i did, just disappointed that romance wasn't in the cards for me growing up.
In the end it's the uncertainty that's killing me right now, and I bet everyone gets that problem. I just wish that I could fix it right away.
Thanks for everything guys and Im open to opinions and advice
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): Thanks, for the answers guys it really helped when you pointed out that I'm only starting life, it’s just when you look back it feels like I went very far already and 23 is only a few years away from being a real adult. I'll take all your advice in mind and try to expand my routines. And I now the basics of dating and I know it's sloppy to date where you work, it’s just when work and home are the only things you visit day in and day out, I just got to the realization that I may never get the chance to develop with someone else by chance and be hit by that “you find love when you’re not looking for it” thing.I know that I have a lot of issues but those are things I have to work on, and WiseOwlE "You deserve whomever you want, as long as they want you back!”, this is what I'm afraid of, I've been secluded for so long, that I know that no one knows me deep enough and I know I have to fix that too. Like what Denizen said "Destiny doesn't do house calls. You have to go and find it." I better suck up my fears and insecurities before trying to date and that I fear is going to take a lot of time and effort. I appreciate everything you said, it’s hard to come to people for advise especially when they see me always happy, dating is not something I think I need but is something I think that I subliminally want now. I really wish I had the courage to do something I really do, but I have more growing up to do because after all the insightful words you said, my problem is I know that I fear when things don’t go my way and that’s that reason why things won’t change.This might sound shallow but is the whole point of dating finding someone you like, well is it really my fault if my attention fixated on someone that's way of out my league? I do try and move away from girls I did know I have zero chances on, but is it really realistic that I need to stick to a certain ceiling level of sorts when trying to approach women?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2017): I meant to say:
"You are as fulfilled and knowledgeable, only as far as your ambitions and curiosity will take you."
My favorite professor told us: "You've sat on your mommies laps and sucked teat long enough young men. Get off your lazy asses! Work hard and live hard! Nobody owes you anything you haven't earned; and nobody in this world can deny you what you deserve!!!"
I live by his words everyday!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2017): You are still young enough to explore, and to expand your knowledge and experience. Life isn't like cheesy novels. They are written to appeal to our hunger for fantasy and make-believe. Reality will slap you in your face, if you don't stay grounded.
You haven't been on the planet long enough to have many complaints young man. You are as fulfilled and knowledgeable as your ambitions and curiosity will take you.
If you sit and wait for life to come to you, you'll wait until you're a wrinkled old-man with one foot in the grave. You must pursue life and happiness. You are still so very young, and life is only just beginning for you.
You shouldn't be looking around at work for dates. Your job is not a dating-pool or a disco. It's a workplace, where people earn money and try to be productive. Workplace romances end badly, things get awkward, and the cause disruption. They are headaches and liabilities to business.
First make some friends. Outside of gamers and anti-social hermits. Join a gym, become part of a traveler's club or adventurer's club. They take housebound-novices like you under their wing. You meet girls, learn about other cultures, travel, and explore. You get introduced to a hormone secreted substance called adrenaline!!!
I joined the Air Force when I was 18, and I traveled, and met so many fantastic people. Then I attended a military college academy to earn my degree. I still have lifelong friends from those days.
The only reason you haven't dated is that stubborn-ingrained and innate fear that women will reject you. Some girls can be brutal on the let-down. To sensitive guys, like you and me; the trauma and embarrassment can cut deep. I feel you, bro!
I lost my virginity to a girl five years older. I was 14. I never could connect with women apart from sexually. I later accepted the fact that I'm gay. Now I love women, but I realize why I could never connect emotionally. I prefer guys! Don't let that shock you. It's the 21st-century! There are cheesy novels written about us too!
I'm not implying you're gay. Don't flip-out! I only mean, that there are many causes to our pauses. In your case, a slight case of arrested-development. You prioritized intellectual-achievement; but forewent socializing. Which is necessary in learning how to interact with females.
Simply put, you chose being a nerd over being a Romeo.
That results in social-awkwardness. Which causes a dating-deficiency for most people!
So did I, it protected me from having to explain to girls why I wasn't interested in keeping a girlfriend!
Wanting women already taken or "far out of your league" is usually why young men often don't get dates. They reject sweet averagely-attractive girls; and go full-steam ahead after popular super-model wannabees instead.
Well, there are too many lovely single and available women looking for a nice-guy for any of your excuses to hold water. You're afraid of girls. So you go after girls you know will reject you; because for one, it's predictable. The other reason is your desire to conquer what you don't think you deserve. You deserve whomever you want, as long as they want you back!
You have lots of time to catch up. Now all you need is the desire to step outside your comfort-zone. To practice starting conversation with a lovely lady and just letting what comes natural happen. Not over-think or look back on what you haven't done. You've accomplished a lot. Now fill-in the gaps. At least you're not living in your parent's basement, or in the same room you were when you were 12!
Are you???
Go out and just take a few chances at love, kid! You'll pass or fail. The learning is in failing, and the success is in winning! Have fun!
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (24 August 2017):
GOLDEN RULE #1: NEVER DATE SOMEONE IN YOUR OFFICE, EVER!!
GOLDEN RULE #2: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
"Should I go and put myself out there if I feel this alone?"
YES AND NO. Yes, because you have the right to search for happiness, and no because you are going to be sabotaging yourself with that mindset you got.
PLEASE GO TO A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU COPE WITH YOUR EMPTINESS, PLEASE!!!
"Or should I just continue being me and just let everything fall into place when it happens, if it ever happens?"
IF YOU ARE HAPPY HOW YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, continue being you.
IF YOU FEEL SAD FOR YOUR CURRENT SITUATION, YOU NEED TO
CHANGE, NOW! ASAP!
Some background on myself.
I never had a girlfriend until I was 24. I was single, no girls that were interested in me, very lonely life. I focused 100% on my studies and hobbies. Then at 24, while I was still in college, I felt the need to express my love to a girl of my classroom, and we have been together ever since. I was also her first boyfriend (really). Not only she is an extremely smart and honest person, but she also happens to be very beautiful.
So if I had 0 chances of success and I was able to make it, then you surely have more chances than I did.
TIPS FOR SUCCESS IN LOVE & LIFE (for your particular case):
- FIND A THERAPIST, PLEASE, and continue working with him religiously. If after 3 months you don't notice any changes, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
- FIND A CLUB. Any club. Either chess, a sport, an art, anything. If you aren't sure what you like, TRY a different sport or club every month until you feel in the right place, or until you find a place where you find the kind of girls that you want.
- REALIZE THAT THE KIND OF GIRLS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE. Yes, you heard me. I was on a rich kids school, and I had 0 luck with girls, mostly because I was a poor student with a scholarship. Most of those girls are goldiggers anyways, so if you look for different kind of girls than the ones you are currently interested, your chances of finding someone will go up.
- JOIN A SPORT. Yes, you need to be fit to increase your chances of finding the girl you want. Not all of the girls are like that (like my girlfriend). Joining a sport will give you a PURPOSE in life and motivate you to do new things every day. It's also the perfect excuse to meet new girls, specially if you join a swimming club.
- BURN YOUR LOVE NOVELS. Not physically, but hide them in a place where you can have them locked for a long time. You see, those cheesy romance novels are like PORN.... IT'S NOT REAL! Real life relationships are more down to earth, and there are lots of uncool things in between the cool and romantic stuff. Also, those those PORN LOVE NOVELS give you a false image of what a relationship is.
- IMPROVE YOURSELF. So, you like reading? Then buy self help books. Buy assertiveness books, confidence books, dating books, whatever, to help you build a stronger self-esteem. GIRLS ARE ATTRACTED TO HIGH CONFIDENCE, HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, so you GET THAT.
- GROW SOME "COJONES" . Yes, you heard me. If you want the girl of your dreams, you need to get enough "Cojones" to get that girl. My GF had an army of dudes after her, many better looking better than me by miles. The only difference between them and me, was that I was the only dude with enough COJONES to ask her to be my GF. The other dudes felt intimidated by her beauty and strong character. It took me until age 24 to grow quite a big pair of COJONES my friend, so you still got time for that.
- GET A PERSONALITY. If you are boring, uncool, unfunny, the only girls you are going to get are the ones on the porn websites. You need to develop your personality, start being (genuinely) funny, have interesting conversations, look confident, stay cool when you are around girls.
- NEVER MIRROR A GIRL. Avoid doing dumb stuff, like following girls around to wherever they go, or joining clubs or activities that you look to obvious that you are following that girl and doing stuff only for her. I have known lots of dudes doing this for years, and they still haven't found a partner.
- DON'T HAVE A FRIENDSHIPS WITH THE GIRL YOU ARE INTERESTED. You can have friendships with girls you are not interested without a problem, but if you are interested in a girl, DON'T BE HER FRIEND. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDZONED. Talk with her, get to know her and everything, but NEVER ESTABLISH A FRIENDSHIP. When you feel she is the girl you want, ASK HER OUT. BAM! You just saved yourself from being friendzoned. If a relationship comes out of that, PERFECT. If the relationship ends, DON'T AGREE TO BE HER FRIEND, EVER. She is either with you, or not with you, nothing in between. ALPHA MALES AREN'T FRIENDS WITH WOMEN. Beta males have tons of female "friends" he will never be able to date, EVER.
- GET WHAT YOU WANT. Yes, that's right. Some girls are waiting for the dudes to make the first move, so if you really want a girl, MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. GET WHAT YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT. BECOME AN ALPHA MALE!
Notice: Being an "Alpha" male is not about disrespecting girls, or treating them like crap. You can be courteous, and still be an awesome alpha male.
Best luck!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (24 August 2017):
I think what you are asking is, "How do I add excitement to my life and make me interesting to others?"
Here are some recommendations that have proven to work for me or others that I know: Take the time you are reading romance novels and switch that to reading uplifting, self-help books. I just checked Amazon and it carries over 670,000 self-help titles. As to choosing titles, look for high sales numbers and customer rankings.
Get out of your house and participate in positive activities with other people at least two nights a week and at least once on weekends. Just a few options here include hiking groups, yoga, community groups, classes. The operative word here is "groups." This year I took a metal fabrication class at our local college and made a terrific new friend that I'll likely have for life.
In addition, hit the gym at three times a week. There is nothing that bolsters self-confidence like watching yourself get in shape.
Practice being more social. This can be as simple as saying hello to someone you pass on the sidewalk. Being friendly to strangers is a very positive to you and them.
Your job doesn't concern me. It would be better to have a job that you are passionate about but I don't think it has much to do with your current depression. But getting a job that fires you up every day is something to work on in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 August 2017):
 Trying to learn about relationships by reading romance is a lot like trying to learn about sex by watching porn.
You are quite young, and actually at a goo age to start dating.
Be interesting. Have hobbies, join groups.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 August 2017):
 Jeez! You do sound a sad sack. Know that whatever you do it will still be you.
Lots of people have boring jobs but that doesn't mean their lives are boring. They use their jobs to fund the way they spend the rest of their time.
However, for you, it needn't mean a momentous change. Baby steps.
Start doing something you have always fancied trying: learn to fly, learn to dive, learn to surf, learn to paint - anything. You need to build a life outside the office. Romance, if it is in your future, will come from you life outside work not within it.
You have been hiding from life in your work. Come on! Show some spirit. There are people 50 years your senior showing more get-up and go.
Destiny doesn't do house calls. You have to go and find it.
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