A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,It's been more than half a year since I got out of my first and only relationship that lasted a good 1.5 years. And since the end of that relationship, I've had a good handful of drunken hookups. I've had three one night stands already and I am starting to really regret them. Being a college student at a school where the hook up culture is prevalent, it is really easy to go to a party and meet someone for a night. And the fact that after the relationship, sex to me seems like such a normal thing doesn't help my case. Sex can seem almost like a make out session to me, but I am obviously distraught because I feel like that way of thinking is morally wrong. I feel like I am being judged. And I don't want to cheapen myself, but I can't help but to have make out sessions lead to sex because I've been so used to going all the way with my ex. I would appreciate some advice on this whole situation. What can I do or think to stop myself from continuing this pattern? Am I a huge slut now? Thanks.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (11 December 2012):
Yes there are a lot of people that would call you a slut for having casual sex with strangers but more importantly is what you think yourself. You sound unhappy with your lifestyle and if that is the case then you are the only one who can change it. I think once you have had a few casual sex partners you lose any "meaning" to sex being special with the person you love. But it can still be a lot of fun!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2012):
 You're not a slut. You're single and you have the right to explore sexually. However, I think that you are punishing yourself for the loss of your serious relationship. You're not enjoying these drunken one night stands, and are almost using them as penance or something.
What's clear is that you have unresolved feelings of grieving for the relationship you lost. You're using the one night stands as a salve for your broken heart and wounded ego. This doesn't make you a bad person or a slut.
I agree with taking a break from all men for a bit and catching your breath. Self-reflection and facing some of those unpleasant feelings can be very good for you. You need to know who you are and what you're looking for out of life. It's okay to have casual sex as long as you're safe and you enjoy it, but if you don't enjoy it, you should remain true to yourself. Just because you had some casual hookups, and just because you had a breakup, doesn't mean you're not worthy of a loving relationship where another man loves and cherishes you. You are not cheap and you deserve happiness!
You are in a pattern. What else gives you happiness that is found OUTSIDE of a party? Think about your life and your future. What lights you up inside? What's your college major? Are you in any clubs that stimulate your interests and intellect? Drunken parties aren't a good place to explore your love life anyways, but finding a guy in the light of day who is compatible with your mind is a good start to a new beginning for you. You need to come to grips about your former relationship. Forgive yourself, let go of the ex in your mind, and release yourself to move beyond the broken heart.
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A
female
reader, cindypookie +, writes (10 December 2012):
Listen hun, i know u did what u thought was right but it isn't. break ups can really make somebody crazy, i feel ur pain.i want u to ask urself these questions; do u like wat u are doing? if you continue doing this, how will your social or school life looks like?.. If u continue doing this, by the time u graduate, u might have well slept with a great number of guys, and YOU know that is not how you want your life to look like.I'll advise you to TAKE A BREAK FROM MEN/SEX/KISSING/TOUCHING..if u can do dat for at least a month and focus in your studies.DON'T ever call yourself a SLUT. cuz i believe you are not. i believe you are a wise, smart, but sometimes make wrong decisions wen it comes to men. i get the part that you are young and we (young kids) just wonna have fun, we love enjoying the moment,we love being wild, but we tend to forget that whatever we do at a young age, will somehow appear in our tomorrow lives.(MAJOR CONSEQUENCES)I know u might still be heart broken from ur previous relationship. its a phase we all go through, but don't fine happiness/pleassure in other men that am guessing you know nothing about them. You need to make some decissions and think about your FUTURE Sweetheart. Now is the opportunity for You to find yourself and u csn't do that when men are around, trust me..Please, before being involve with any guy, YOU MOST TAKE UR TIME AND STUDY HIM, GET TO KNOW HIM, HIS INTENTIONS TOWARDS YOU, if possible, take a MONTH or moRE before you might think of doing anything fishy with him. Good luck and becarefull.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2012):
 If you feel like you can't control your own actions when alcohol is in the picture you need to cut the drink.
I wouldn't call you a slut, because I don't believe in labeling people like that.
But you are not happy with your own behavior, so you need to STOP.
Take the time to get to know a guy, date a few but NO sex.
STOP selling yourself short, basically.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 You're not yet a "huge" slut.... but it looks like you know how to get there.....
How about.... when you go out and socialize, you ask yourself if, whatever you do, you could write it in a note to your MOTHER or FATHER the next day, and tell them what a great time you had?????? That might get your feet back on to the ground....
Good luck......
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 It sounds to me like you miss being in that relationship, and are substituting random hookups for the sex and intimacy you had in it. Which is a very normal thing to do, but in the end usually not healthy.
At the same time stop making excuses for yourself and own your own behaviour: "I can't help but to have make out sessions lead to sex because I've been so used to going all the way with my ex". Sorry but that's nonsense. You can help yourself, you just don't want to. At those moments you want sex, so you have it, then after you feel bad about it. You could help yourself, you could not do it, but you choose to do it. We all need to own our own lives, our actions and their consequences.
It's up to you to decide what you want. Make a decision:
Either decide that it's ok to have these hookups, and enjoy them. A part of you clearly wants to. There's nothing wrong with them as long as you are being safe and respectful to yourself and the guys. If you do go this route then let yourself off the hook: allow yourself to enjoy yourself and have fun. There's time for getting serious later in life.
Or, if you decide you really don't want to be that person and are uncomfortable, then stop. Make the decision. Don't do it anymore. But see it as a positive step: be the person you want to be, not not the person you don't want to be (triple negative i know). Decide what you do want sex and relationship-wise and look for that instead.
Either way, make the decision a positive step, rather than one done through guilt or feeling morally wrong or morally obliged.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Well, you do display slutty behavior, but who said it's so bad. Men are sluts too you know.Women are always different in their attitude toward sex, may be that's why this plannet is still rolling:). Of course making out leads to sex, thats how nature programmed us to' reproduce. We get hot, wet and we want it. It's very hard to control that's why we have so many unwanted pregnancies and all these babies. We love sex, all of us, it's the strongest pleasure ever. The best way to protect yourself from casual encounters is to stop making out. Don't forget thatb guys get excited to the point that it's painful for them not to get sex afterwards. Don't make out anymore, or only if you actually intend to have sex that night with that particular person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): You're not a slut, you're just young and having fun and if you're enjoying it then don't worry what other people might think, just enjoy yourself but BE SAFE!! But if it's making you feel bad about yourself then stop having one night stands and either go without sex for awhile and focus on other things or if you meet someone then wait until you get to know the guy first.
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