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anonymous
writes: Hey, I am 19 and my bf is 25. Not a huge gap, but that is not really the problem here (if there is a problem at all). I am just wanting to know the positives and negatives of getting married young vs waiting til later in life. Also having kids (I know that it is better to have them young in terms of fertility rates, bad to have them young because of body image etc etc.). In a society where most people are waiting til they are in the lte 20's early 30s to marry/have kids, to me it doesn't seem to be a good idea to get married at 20. I am sure that I know most of the positives and negatives about this issue, with that said your advice,thoughts and most of all your stories are will be of great assistance. thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I will be getting married at 20 and will have been with my fiance for 2 years. We will have lived together for a year. We are both in college..he is getting his PhD (he is 24) and I am almost done with undergrad. We get a lot of grants from school for grades and financial aid which help with our burden...we also both have part-time jobs. We already have an apartment together and know how we want to spend our money. We want to wait at least 5 years for children, though. I want to be 25 when I'm a mom. My mom waited until almost 30 to have me and was a bit controlling. She had my brother later and was more lenient because she was tired. As a developmental psychology major, I know all the statistics about having kids and how getting older can increase risks. Then again, statistics aren't always right as those who DO get married young and stay together prove time and time again. I think it is a personal decision. I had cancer when I was a kid and therefore was forced to grow up a lot faster than my peers...I am also a grade higher than I should be in school. Such factors lead to differences in maturity level.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): I'm sure this is a standard answer, but it eally depends on the person, the couple and the situations around your life at the time.
When I was 19, there was no way i'd consider getting married before i was 28 at the earliest, and yet i'm now 21 and engaged.. A lot of people have said that we are too young, but we've been together for 4 years, have lived together for 2 years, are happy and financially stable and for us, no is the right time.
If your dream is to have a huge wedding, with 10 bridesmades, hugely expensive ball gowns etc, then you need to wait until you ae financially stable. If the most important thing to you is being committed and devoted to the person you love for the rest of your life unconditionally, then it doesn't make a difference.
Basically what i'm trying to say, is if what you really really want is to be married, then age is no object. It doesn't (or at least shouldn't) change your life, except you sign bits of paper a bit differently. But if you're not sure, if you think that later in life you might meet someone you like better, then you definately shouldn't get married. It's not something to enter into lightly.
having kids is a totally different matter, and in my opinion is situation dependant. Personally i want to be in our own house (mortgaged), financially stable, with excess, in a job where i get paid maternity leave, and the possibility of part time or flexi working once the sprog is born. If that doesn't happen till i'm 40, then so be it, though i would say purely because of energy levels i would rather have them young.
We have made the decision that we are to be engaged for a year before marrage, and married a year before children..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): I'm 17, my fiance is 18. we are planning on getting married in two years. We decided to make it a long engagement to help remove some of the stress of planning our wedding. I hate that people say we are too young to get married and start a family. In our case, we have been together for 10 years, and nothing could be more right. You just need to look at your heart, and most importantly, don't feel rushed. Give you and your fiance pleanty of time to make sure that marriage is what you want. If you are ready for it, and know that you two work together; go for it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I am 20, have been in a wonderful relationship with an actor for nearly 2 years and i can honestly say i have never been happier. I am thinking about marriage because i want the next step because i dont think we could get on better or love each other any more. I am in my first year at uni and he has an erratic workload as an actor and sometimes requires him to be away from home for months at a time. We both live at home and spend every second on the phone or together. We compliment each other and i would love some advice on what to do.
What should i do - am i holding the words in because i know that we are two young and cant afford to make this life altering decision? i cant wait to have children and start a home - is it broody-ness making me want to ask the question? the magic early phase of a relationship where i am starry eyed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): my husband and i are both 20 years old and we have a 6 month son. I think its all up to the person if your ready to get married young or not. its not the age its the person. some people are more mature in that matter then others. Just go by your gut feeling. if you feel that that person is the right one for you then keep them because the last thing you want is to let the one you love slip out of your life and regret it later.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
Just a quick comment, Im 23 and ive changed a lot between 19 and now. Im just beginning to get to know what I want from life so if youre even a bit unsure hang off a while, its better to be safe than sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): I'm 23 and i got married 8 days after my 18th birthday.I fell pregnant 4 weeks after we married(we were trying for a baby)we were together for 2 and a half years before we got married.In my opinion it's up to the couple if they feel ready to make that comittment,don't get me wrong it doesn't go like the fairytale story you imagine when your really young, you still have your ups and downs but that happens wether you get married now or later on in life.i have absoloutly no regrets about getting married young.we have also just had our 2nd beautiful daughter well she's 1 now but we are planning on having 1 more.i'm a stay at home mum and my husband works and it really annoys me to hear people say wait untill your older as you have more patience and you know what you want more,you're more responsible.in our situation i'd say where we live we are probably more responsible than most of the older people around us.We don't smoke(used to but both gave up when i got pregnant first time round)we have a drink with our friends who are the exact same as us around once every 2 months.So i would say think very hard what you want out of life and then make it happen for you and your fiance.(obviously speak to him to see what he wants from life as well.Good luck!
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reader, pops +, writes (23 June 2005):
You don't tell us enough to give you any specific advice. Are you living on your own? How long? Are you employed? Doing what? Earning how much? Are you in school? How much longer until you finish and are able to join the work force? Is your fiance employed? Marriage and children require that people be able to work together as an emotional, physical, and economic unit. I can assume you feel physically compatible with your fiance, and probably emotionally, too. That can change, as you are only 19, and have not had the time to experience much in life. Also, people tend to change a lot after they finish their formal education, and enter the workforce. Sometimes, that includes finding out that the career they thought they wanted to pursue isn't right for them, and they need to strike out in a new direction, requiring more education and training. Young peope like to travel, see new places and experience new people. That also changes their values and aspirations. Some people are able to make a marriage work in spite of all these things. You may be one of them. Your fiance may also be one of these people. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2005): I had my first 2 children in my early 20's. At 35, I had my 3rd child. If I had to do it all over again...I would've waited to have ALL my kids in my 30's. A person's maturity and thought processes are so different from the 20's in compared to the 30's. I basically grew up with my first two, in my 20's and I was a good Mom..but with the 3rd child, I was a super great mom! The third child benefited much more as I was much more mature, more patient, more selfless,more understanding...just an all round better Mother. Kids are wonderful..but an incredibly huge responsibility and their needs are great. As a parent, you will sacrifice so much of your time to give to them. Have fun in your 20's...establish yourself in career and life first. Wait until you are 30 plus to begin a family. You will never regret doing that. Great medical strides are happening...more and more women are having babies well into their 40's.
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