| A
male
,
*iverdan
writes: I have been living with a girl for 2 1/2 years. She moved in with me after her father died. I have a 21yr old daughter in college and a 15 yr old son. My girlfriend has been remarkable to my kids and we had a great relationship until recently. 3 things have hurt our relationship. 1. she has a cat and I am allergic to cats and at times I have a hard time breathing. The cat hisses at my kids and their friends...it's not a friendly cat. I have asked her to remove the cat but she always has lame excuses..I have told her for a couple of years the cat is hurting our relationship but nothing has happened positive. If I lay on my couch to long I start to wheeze. I feel my home has been taken over by a cat. 2. I don't charge her any rent. I pay all the bills, see buys groceries. The deal was she would save the money she was spending on her apartment. A few months ago she spent $ 500 on her self, buying clothes going out to lunch ect. I asked her for an accounting of her "savings" and she has saved nothing. 3. She expects me to take her out to dinner 2-3 times a week and romantic weekends. I have recently decided I want to end the relationship. We have been fighting, I told her I didnt love her, I told her I want to stay at work because I cant stand coming home to her. When she walks in the house I cringe. Seems obvious who's the sucker. Last night she found out she has cancer and will have to get a mastectomy, she want me to be part of it. I dont want to I don't want to put my kids thru this. I am feeling guilty and confused We are both 52. Any suggestions would be helpful.
View related questions:
at work, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (11 February 2006):
 Hi diverdan, I was not going to reply to anyone today due to late night and hangover but I just want to say that your reply goes to show there are two sides to everything.
Reding what you have wrote this time makes me think that you are stressed and in an emotional turmoil, you need to perhaps have a break from everything, if not alone then with your partner as it sounds like you are both have come to the end of the road in one way or another.
Am I right in thinking that she has had money troubles in the past and is not good at money managment, if so then that would explain a lot, finances are a tricky subject especially if one partner spends it and the other earns it, sometimes if you have a joint income then one person needs to controle and balance the books and as long as it is done fairly this can work.
If she earns her own money why not have seperate accounts but a joint house account so you work out all the household costs like gas, water, mortgage, food including cat food! and then look at who earns what and make an agreement based on this that each month you put the agreed amount into the "house" account and have as much as possible going out of this account on direct debit. this is a fair way of sharing household costs without anyone getting annoyed.
I think that you are focusing all the anger and resentment you feel about your relationship and its issues onto the cat, Cats are not people and unlike dogs they cannot really be trained, you need to de-stress where the cat is involved as you will not win that war, they are wonderful creatures but they have a knack of targeting people who they know dont like them, I know I have a cat that hates men and this can and does cause problems.
She does appear to have a lot of the "green eyed monster" and if you have given her no reason to think tht you will stray then she is very insecure and this is her issue not yours, lots of relationships that could have survived and been good break up due to one persons insecurities and lack of trust, you need to address this with her, but to be honest it seems like she will always be like this as it seems she is very insecure, that means you either put up with it which is not good or you split up.
You do have a right to go out climbing, learn a language and basically have a life that does not totally revolve around her and you need to tell her that this is the way it is, she needs to loosent the reins a lot but maybe you could do some new things together, not everything but there is no reason you both could not learn a language then go on holiday together and practice it, something like that would give you a common interest and give her something to focus on and look forward to whilst she is having her treatment.
My last words on this is that you will not find the answer to anything including sleep in a bottle and if you try your health will be compromised it is better to take a good look at this relationship with her and decide if it has just gone too far into the canal to be reserected and to be honest I think it has, you can still support her as a friend as that is what you were once.
A
male
reader, diverdan +, writes (10 February 2006):
diverdan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you honest feedback.Some points that may clarify my feelings:We made a deal, a promise regarding the cat ie...he was to stay off table, couch and have boundaries. I feel the deal was broken.The cat was sleeping in our bed at one point.We also made a deal regarding the "savings" I thought it unappropriate I be given her paycheck and manage her money, my love and compassion prevented me from doing something that could be construed as taking advantage of her. This had happened in her past and her friends and family where understanding skeptical. She admits she was wrong. My terminolgy made be "raw", Made a deal or had an agreement it doesnt matter. She has also gone thru a period ( years ) of total distrust of me, and would never let me go out with friends she felt were "inappropriate". She was convinced I was frequneting strip bars. I "god forbid" I ever "glanced" at another woman. Even when I dont she claims I do. I can see her watching my eyes in a mall. I want to take an art class, learn to rock climb, learn spanish but I have been so beaten up with this distrust thing I feel like an abused animal. I suppose thats what happens when you fall in love with a great friend. Someone you shared your past with the good and the bad, the things you only tell your best friend.She is like a mother watching a young child. I feel totally smothered.I have never been more faithful, I have never cheated on her. I am old enough to know the value of honesty.When she asks me why my mood is "such and such" I tell her the truth however raw it may be I know the value of complete and total honesty.I will be kind because its the human thing to do, if she gets pissed at my taking a rock climbing class so be it.Im not going to cut and run in her hour of need. My kids may face this same situation and its a bad example. If at the end of this my feelings haven't changed I will deal with it but right now there is a battle getting ready to be fought against a killer and all this is petty BS. I do not feel I have to fight this battle for for her she has to take charge I am her support. What do you think ?I did her taxes at 4am this morn, I cant sleep, I cant find answers in a bottle of rum. Who helps the supporter, people like you thanks......Diver
...............................
A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (9 February 2006):
You really need to have a word with yourself, you are comming across as selfish and petty, she moved in with you because you presumably asked her to, she had suffered the loss of her father and still took time to develope a good relationship with your kids.
Presumably she moved in with the cat, she sounds like she is attatched to the cat and if you have always been alergic to the cat why did you not tell her this when she moved in, that way if she had realised you did not want her cat she could have made the decision right there and then to move in with no cat or just not move in, which on hind sight I bet she would now have choosen.
Be honest here, you say for nearly 2 years you have had a good relationship, presumably with the man and child hating cat, who probably senses that he is not wanted!!
then she hurt the relationship in three ways by not removing the cat, spendig some money on herself (the shame of it,!)and wanting to keep your relationship alive and romantic by going out to dinner.
All this is an excuse you have just gone off her or have found someone else, is that it? and her usefullness in your life has now gone so you want rid.
For all this you punish her by being nasty to her and in stead of breaking up nice you decide to hurt her by telling her you carnt even stand being home with her, how cruel and petty.
None of the things she has done warrant the way you have treated her, you say she has breast cancer she wants you to be part of it, by this I presume she wants you to support her and help her make some difficult medical choices, well thats not gonna happen is it as you car`nt stand her and she loves you.
You ask the question "who is the sucker" well she is for staying so long with you,
You have hurt and humiliated her and now you must tell her you want her to leave, this way she will get over you and move on and have a life with someone who is not going to loathe the but love and cherish her.
...............................
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (9 February 2006):
 Your relationship doesn't strike me as particularly normal really. I mean, it should be about sharing. You talk of not charging her rent and paying all the bills. Well, that seems quite fair if she was buying the food. I mean, are you her landlord or her partner? Perhaps she could offer to make a contribution to the upkeep of the house but really, if you feel a sucker for not charging her rent, then she has the right to spend her savings in any way she wishes.
I think its lovely that she wants romantic weekends away and going out to dinner (providing again you share the costs). She sounds like a loving and romantic woman and I think you have been especially tactless in how you have spoken to her in which to end the relationship. Telling her that you want to stay at work because you can't stand coming home to her is cruel and unnecessary.
Now she finds out she has cancer which means she needs support. If you really feel you can't give support to her and that you can't be loving towards her, then let her know as soon as possible in a gentle, kind and considerate way. Then, she can find the support and caring from someone else, her family perhaps.
I hope this helps. Please be kind to this lady despite how you feel.
...............................
|
