A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance this is going to be a long one!I met a woman at work about a year ago and we clicked. Problem was that she was with someone else, but the relationship was rocky. As time went on we got closer and closer, even though I'd been warned about her history. To explain, she was still married to the father of her two children but separated and living with someone else. There were also rumours that she'd had affairs with people in previous jobs.As her relationship with her current partner deteriorated (at one point due to his depression he tried to kill himself), we spent more time together. We'd meet up for coffee in town and send txts to each other. We kissed and held each other at work, but I didn't want to have an affair, so made it clear that if we were going to take this further she would have to leave her partner. Just before Christmas they had a massive row and I ended up taking her and her kids to her mum's house to pick up their presents (she lives a couple of hours away and he had taken their car). Her partner knew I took them, but it was just a lift. At the work's Christmas party, she got very drunk and we kissed passionately, but again I didn't want to take things further. We talked for a couple of hours and then I took her back to the friends she was staying at. At the end she tried to give me oral sex but I stopped her.In February she stayed at my house the night before a work course (I live local to the course and she lived over an hour away, I made the same offer to the other person going, but they declined). She tried to sleep with me, but it felt wrong and I stopped things from really going anywhere (this was my first time having sex). We ended up sharing a bed but nothing else happened.In March she made the decision to leave her partner and move into a flat on her own (they'd bought a house together the previous summer). That was March this year and for a few months I've never been happier and we started to talk about the future together. I met her parents and got on really well with them (they invited me on holiday later this year). I get on great with her kids. We discussed moving in together, getting married and having kids (her partner had had a vasectomy) and it didn't freak me out. I honestly thought that this was the woman I would be spending the rest of my life with. Sex was awkward and she told me that she just needed some time to get her head straight. She was diagnosed with depression, but found that her meds made her too ill to function.About six weeks ago things started to go wrong. She became very distant and stopped speaking to me or replying to txts. I tried to talk to her but every time we agreed to meet up, she'd cancel. We stopped spending weekends together. I thought we were splitting up but whenever I asked her, she said I was just reading too much into it. Just over a week ago, I managed to talk to her. She told me that she no longer had any feelings for me, she didn't love me anymore. I was devastated. She told me that she just needed some time on her own to sort things out. At the start of last week she told me that she still had feelings for her ex and that was were her heart lay.I couldn't talk to her without crying so sent her an email explaining how I felt and how I was struggling to make sense of it all. The following morning I sent her a txt to tell her about the email (she can only get online at work and I wasn't in on Friday). I got a reply from her phone from her ex! This was 8am so I'm assuming that he stayed overnight. I can't get my head around this. She's told me in the past that he's sexually assaulted her (anal and vaginal). Her life with this man was miserable. Her kids are scared of him because of his mood swings. Not to mention his depression and his suicide attempt. She says she only wants to be happy.I feel totally lost. On the one hand I feel like my future has been snatched away. On the other I question whether what we had meant anything to her at all. I worry about her, her ex isn't good news. She asked me to keep what she told me about him to myself, even her parents don't know about the rape.Part of me wants to protect her, part of me actually wants to cause her as much pain as she's caused me.I honestly don't know what to do, this only happened a couple of days ago.Any advice?
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affair, at work, christmas, drunk, her ex, on holiday, oral sex, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Buddy the fact that you still have feelings for her and feel worried about her is a direct result of being in a toxic relationship with a borderline personality disordered woman. I can tell you that is what is going on here, I don't even need to know all of the details, just the pattern will do. That is because Personality Disorder is like cancer or a disease that has a predictable beginning, middle and end to their relationships or disease. Normal people, there is no predictable pattern.
You can break the cycle of enmeshment with this person, and if you don't, you will be vulnerable to her coming back and hoovering you back in, it's what they do more often than not. You haven't heard the last from her, but if you don't get away, your life will be ruined, it's inevitable. Please do as I suggest and study on Borderline Personality Disorder--shrink4men...start there.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): The problem that I have is that even after all this I still care about her. I can't just turn my feelings off. I don't think I love her anymore, not after the way that she's handled this, but I will worry about her.
I know what people will say about work place relationships and they're right. It just won't make it any easier to move on when I have to see her every day and actually work with her once a week.
Thanks for all your advice, it does help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Cut your losses and run. Believe it or not this is the best possible outcome to all this and this is without doubt the best time to do it.
Forget her and move on.
Do NOT get any more involved in this, cry your tears, grieve your loss and count yourself lucky that you have both an out and closure.
You were warned at the start about her and you still went on to pursue a relationship with her and while you didn't want to have an affair with her, you technically were having an emotional affair with her.
You got caught up in the role of white knight, it's a very alluring role, people like her have this special talent for making person feel needed, you got sucked in and it didn't pay off, count this as a lesson learned. Don't be ashamed of yourself nor bitter about how things turned out. Just be glad it's now over, because believe me it HAS to be over now for your own sanity.
Your mind will go over every little detail of the past few months, things you wished you'd done differently, niggly little regrets etc. don't be afraid of that let it work its way through it.
Remember her life story and situation may be tragic, but she's an adult and a mother, she's made her choice and that choice wasn't you. If her ex wasn't such good news then why is she back with him? She already escaped him. This is far too heavy and dangerous a situation for you continue to be involved in, really enough is enough. You're a single guy with no real ties to any of this, time to cut any remaining emotional ones and be free.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (11 July 2010):
 " part of me wants to protect her,part of me actually wants to cause her as much pain as she's caused me "
Hun, that woman has already suffered agony and suffering that you can only imagine, don't wish any more on her. A woman just getting out of an abusive relationship like that is in no position to be getting involved with anyone else so soon, cos she'll be too damaged. Unfortunately you got caught in the crossfire.
Please be philosophical, the timing was all wrong that's all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): You have handled your self with class. You did things the right way. I agree she is all over the board. She said she has lost feelings. I know that is painful, but listen to her words. You opened your heart and now you can open it again to someone that is avaiable emotionally. Something tells me you will hear from her again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): I am sorry that your first sexual experience was with a head case like this woman. It's obvious that you are in pain. I hope that instead of just going through all this pain that you will learn something from this as there is a lesson here that you are not yet aware of.
We don't educate people in our society on how to recognize pathological people, this is because there has been a lack of education on the part of psychologists about personality disorders until just recently. Now though there has been more brain studies done and more data taken about those of the population who have personality disorders and it is believed that these people are incapable of growth and change. It is not mental illness in he way that schizophrenia is, or even depression, as those things can actually be cured or helped through therapy and medications. Personality disorders on the other had are a disorder of character, the ones you need to be concerned about are the low conscious ones, or AXIS II disorders, like Borderline Personality Disorder. Your woman here has many of the criteria that would classify her as having borderline personality disorder, one hallmark is short lived, intense personal relationships with frequent break ups, an intense sexuality used to control men (or women)impulsive behavior, inability to regulate emotions, often self harming behaviors and raging episodes. Black and white thinking, seeing people as either all good or all bad. Lack of empathy, the ability to turn off feelings like a dripping faucet because they were never there in the first place, inability to feel deep emotions. Manipulative behavior and often lying even about inconsequential things. Lack of taking responsibility for their actions, devaluing others after putting them up on a pedestal...and so on.
You really ought to read about this disorder on the internet. There is an article on this site "relationship red flags" with some links to start with, or try looking up shrink4men web site and start reading. This is the first step to your healing over this sick relationship you had with this very sick woman.
What you need to take away from this is how healthy relationships start, what to look for to avoid picking another woman like this, learn what Qualities in You made you vulnerable to a woman like her and why she may have chosen you. Learn how to never get involved again with a woman with a personality disorder. You can't fix them and they will inevitably cause harm to you, even go so far as to ruin your life and mental and physical well being.
Start studying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Abusive men are controlling and manipulative to the extreme. once she decides she's done for good with that loser, she will be more receptive and open to you. you have to give her space to make her mind up. women are often branded stupid because they go back to men that have hurt them, but no one knows the psyche of an abusive man....and it's deranged. talking to her family isn't a bad idea, especially if you fear for her and her kids' safety.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 She seems all over the place, not knowing what she really wants.
As much as you want to be that Knight on the White horse, ultimately SHE makes the choices in HER life.
If I was you, I would let her go and move on. It's really hard watching someone you care for do something disastrous, but love doesn't fix everything.
Also she seems like someone who needs help, mental heath kind of help.
Good luck,
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