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female
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*ay_cee_80
writes: I am 25 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, but we were friends for about 4 years previous to that.Last night he said he was unsure he wanted to stay with me anymore, and that I'd be better off on my own. I asked him what I'd done to provoke this, which I thought was very out of the blue. He said it was nothing I had said or done, and he still loved me very much, but he thought he made me unhappy, and couldn't live with that. He said he didn't deserve me and that I'd be better off without him.After 3 hours on convincing him that I only want him, and he does make me very happy, he conceded and apologised, and we are consequently still together.However, I am concerned that he has such a low opinion of himself that he feels he shouldn't be with me. I have no idea what to do to convince him that he is a wonderful person and should have no such worries. I've tried telling him over and over, but it's just not sinking in, and he is still looking miserable.I know for a fact that there is no other woman involved, as he himself has been at the receiving end of that when his ex-girlfriend cheated on him behind his back for 3 months and eventually left him for the other guy.What should I do with him? I really want us to work and don't like seeing him so down.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 August 2005):
 I think I will introduce a different viewpoint to the previous responses as before I read those replies, this was what I first thought. I didn't consider that your boyfriend was looking for a way out at all from your relationship but that instead, he was very depressed with an immense lack of confidence possibly partly caused by being cheated on in the past( this would trigger feelings of insecurity and despondency in him) and maybe by other things currently happening in his life.
Okay, so perhaps you should firstly make absolute certain that he does want to be with you and that he genuinely felt you would be better without him and then once this is confirmed, suggest to him that you want to help him feel better about himself.
You could take a trip to the docs together and also investiagte counselling.
Additionally, you could arrange to do a variety of different things together that you haven't done before to enable you to enjoy quality time with each other.
How about going on holiday together or arranging a short break away?
I'm sure you often reassure him, keep on doing this and show your appreciation of him by perhaps writing him little notes, buying him thoughtful little gifts, etc.
Asking him to do things for you will show him that he is wanted.
Take the time together to talk things through about how he feels about himself and let him know that you will always be there for him.
Good luck.
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female
reader, roni24  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 i think your boyfriend has low self esteem alothough some men use this excuse as a get out clause. i feel that because his ex partner cheated on him he may be wondering why you are still with him as you say he has a low opinion of himself. have you talked to him about what happened with his ex? all i can say that if you love him and u feel he loves you then ride it out and reasurre him a little every day . eventually his confidence will grow. but i will say be cautious and dont get dragged down he may seek reasurrance but he has to realise you have needs aswll , give it a while and see how it goes. if you cant get through to him maybe the best thing wuld be for you to part untill he gets over his ex's betrayal.
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female
reader, Roxmarita +, writes (24 August 2005):
I went through the same thing with my exboyfriend. He and I were friends for 2 1/2 year before we started seeing each other and I played the on and off bit for 6 1/2 waiting for him to realize that I am "the one". Needless to say that is 6 1/2 years I cannot get back.
I learned from the experience that when they say "you're too good for me", they are right, you are. It has nothing to do with low self esteem on their part, they are just looking for an excuse and "I'm not good enough" is nicer than saying "you are not good enough", which deep down is how they feel.
Someone is going to feel about you the way they are going to feel and there is nothing you can do to change that.
You obviously love and accept him the way he is, but he doesn't love and accept you as you are and that will not change, so it's time for you to move on and find someone who will.
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female
reader, busygal +, writes (23 August 2005):
I have had this conversation before. Here is what I have determined: If a guy loves you and desperately wants to be with you (which is what I'm sure you want) he won't give you up for ANYTHING. When someone tells me that I will be better off without him and that he loves me but isn't "good enough"--it's not always low self-esteem. Usually, I think it's that he thinks he wants out but isn't sure why. He knows you're great and that he should want to be with you, but something isn't right. If you were really the best thing he could get and he wanted to stay with you forever, he just WOULD. He'd do whatever he could do to make you happy and thank God for every day that he has you.
It may have been a moment of weakness and insecurity, but if this continues to happen, I want you to consider the possibility that he's looking for a way out. The best relationship is one that you both want to be in equally. If he doesn't want it, what is best for you is to find someone who wants you as much as you want him.
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