A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He recently has been diagnosed with genital herpes, apparently herpes can stay latent and take awhile to manifest. I am still waiting on my results, never had an outbreak and hoping I am in the clear. Anyway, the day he got the call from his doctor , he started telling me how horrible he felt the diagnosis, which is very understandable. But something I couldn't shake off was that he never really mentioned being concern for me at all. Even that I was able to overlook, I understand that he was trying to process and it was still fairly new. However, at one point he said: "I am afraid no one will ever want me again." To which I responded: "You mean that I would never want you again honey?" He clarified by saying: "No, just anyone, I am afraid that no person would want me."I did not say anything, but since that night, I have really been seconding guessing how he feels about me. Am I overreacting? Would this bother you or am I being hyper sensitive?
View related questions:
herpes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks aunties. I appreciate all the feedback:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): I have recently been in an almost identical situation although my boyfriend did not say "anyone" but he did say that if he had another girlfriend he wouldn't tell her! Which in some respects is worse. Whilst I have sympathy for my boyfriend the lies about his sexual past and the way he has behaved since receiving his news have told me something about his personality. Perhaps your boyfriend does not (and possibly has never) really considered you a long term partner and that this has simply highlighted this in a brutal way. You are free of herpes and you have a boyfriend who is not and who is prepared to make hurtful comments to you, even when you give him a chance not to. I wouldn't be hanging around - think its time to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Hi Hun, ok cards on the table . I've had this for twenty years thanks to a wonder ex who pretty much knew and deceived me when I was young and trusting. I have since gone on to have a happy life but yes , there had been a lot of stress and still , because of the huge stigma around herpes only a few of my closest family and friends even know . I simply don't want to feel judged anymore than I judge myself . So yes I understand why he said that
However , I must say that I would feel very hurt too by his statement. He made it sound like he just wanted someone , anyone and didn't make you feel special at all
It is clear from your post that you are a caring and understanding person , and I also have been fortunate that the men in my life have been the same but you deserve to feel that he is with you for your unique qualities as a woman and individual , not simply because he thinks he can't get someone . He needs to realise that if he focuses more on just being his best self and less on a skin condition and seeing himself as damaged good he will have more to offer a relationship
I hope all works out for you and your diagnoses is negative . If it's positive , by chance? Rest assured, life goes on. Either way, I think I would explain how his comment made you feel and see what he comes back with . He would likely benefit from some counselling as he seems to be having trouble accepting this
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2014):
 I think I would have gotten hurt by that statement too, because it's so selfish and full of self pity it's almost disgusting.
BUT....
This is a but as big as a barndoor...
I don't blame him for feeling like damaged goods. However, herpes can be managed fairly easy it's not a detrimental disease such as HIV.
I hope for you that YOUR test will come back clean and then maybe you need to figure out what YOU feel in all this.
Like Stacily asked... could it be that he thinks you might have given it to him? Maybe that is why he is acting like that?
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (22 July 2014):
 This is life changing news he received. To hear you have an incurable disease is devastating. Everyone handles it differently, apparently he isn't one who takes an STD lightly. I know if my boyfriend got this news he would be contemplating near suicide, forget my concerns or worrying for me. Besides that, YOU haven't gotten any bad news yet. Basically he's guilty of being selfish in this rough time in his life. And he's being brutally honest rather than worry about the right things to say to save your feelings because he has a lot of serious shit going on. He doesn't actually know if you and he are going to last forever, you may discuss marriage etc, but there are no guarantees here. So he is thinking of every negative thing to come from this news. That includes possible future partners and any other fears that can come from such a thing.
Also, is there any possible way he thinks this could have come from you? When a person in a long term serious relationship gets an STD your first thought is that your partner cheated. Obviously I am not saying you did or he did, I honestly know nothing about how herpes works and did little research before answering this question, I did read that it can be years before any symptoms. Anyway, could he have any part of himself thinking it came from you? He may say he doesn't, but could he still have that worry that he isn't expressing to you? That could explain not having a real concern for your well being.
I can understand you being upset by his words and actions. I don't think his insensitivity spells doom for the relationship though. Assuming this really is just something that stayed dormant for years and nothing else, I think everything will be better in time. Just let him get used to it and accept it. I hope you have a better test outcome.
...............................
|
