A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so im seeing this guy and everythings fine and its literally my first 'relationship' so to speak in over two or three years. my last relationship was with a guy who really was awful and forced me to have sex with him before bullying me and threatening me, and there has only really been one guy i have gotten close to since then who i absolutely adored, id honestly have done anything for him but he cut me off one day and left me in a pretty bad state. i have been struggling with depression and anxiety for years after having been sexually abused as a child and then raped by my first 'boyfriend', but now theres this new guy and it should all, in theory, be perfect. i just get really nervous and i guess you could say i over think things, because i feel like he is way more into me than i am into him and im just exceptionally worried ill never be able to 'love' him as sometimes i literally dont feel anything at all. i just need some reassurance and maybe an explanation as to why i am feeling this way, because this guy is probably the closest thing to perfect that i have yet sometimes i just dont feel it at all. i want to be with him, but why do i have troubles accessing my feelings after years of feeling too much towards guys i have been involved with? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (22 September 2013):
OK, I'll do my best.From what I can see there are a few things. Trust. You're going to have to take your time with this one. He's probably more into you simply because you need to be able to trust him a ton to be into him. This is normal, sometimes for any woman. Tell him that he needs to take things slow and that you need time.Second is intimacy. You know this one is going to be hard, as it is for many women no matter their past. Since you're in the UK, there are excellent services for problems with this. You need to speak to someone and work on this with a counsellor. Third, here's the thing. I know quite a few people who have wonderful lives who suffered from sexual trauma when they were younger. They got the help they needed and worked on it everyday, but found somebody who had the patience to go through it with them. Because of this, their marriages are some of the strongest I've ever seen.You can get through this. You can make it.Good luck.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (17 September 2013):
Do you find him to be good looking?
Is he nice to you?
Does he seem to know how to treat a girl well?
Do you enjoy his company?
If you answered yes to all of those, then you may just (unfortunately) have an attraction to "bad boys". I'd suggest staying with him for now, but tell him that you want to take things slow.
When people rush things it can make the other person question the relationship since they don't feel the same YET. But, with time those feelings can develop if given a chance. It may be tempting to find someone else who you're really into, but your track record is questionable.
However, if it's simply a case of you not liking the guy for a good reason (he's boring, you don't think he's good looking, he's too naive/needy/etc) then don't feel bad for telling him that you don't think you guys make a good couple.
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