A
male
age
,
*ike a good wine
writes:I'm hitting a point in my life where I am beginning to realize that I may never be able to fulfill the many fantasies I've harbored for more than 21 years of marriage. My wife and I lead a fairly active sex life. The thing is, I've been bored for many years because she and I have different levels of satisfaction with our sex lives. I have always made sure she was satisfied, in fact very satisfied. However, it's been a one-way street, even though I've been open about my needs. We've become so different. I have bought us many toys over the years - never any interest from her. I've practically begged to see her with another man - absolutely no interest, games? forget it, dirty talk? no way. Only when she's had a good share of wine will she even consider a change to the "routine". Am I just weird or is it ok to crave variety in my sex life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): It seems that you don't need to see just a sex therapist, but a marriage counselor. It's clear that you're not happy in this relationship for many reasons. You feel you've been giving a lot more than you've been receiving in this relationship, and you're not happy.
There's some stuff on the following (my favorite) site which seems to deal with what to do when one partner isn't interested in working on the relationship:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html
Do surf around there and especially read the bit on emotional needs.
WRT sex issues, I think that trying to get her to do a threesome is going too far, simply because it's such a complicated deal... (though if you do searches on dearcupid there's a lot of good advice floating around). However, she could at least accommodate you in seeing a therapist, even if she thinks it's silly.
In a healthy relationship, if one spouse informs the other that an issue is really important, the other spouse will listen and try to find a middle way that is satisfactory to both.
A
male
reader, like a good wine +, writes (13 June 2008):
like a good wine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. I do appreciate the advice. I'd just like to clarify a couple of things:
1. I have not/would not consider an affair.
2. I'm committed to finishing raising my children at least through high school (2 more years).
3. I have talked openly with my wife about my fantasies/wishes.
4. My wife tells me she is and always has been satisfied with our sex life. She ought to be; to my knowledge I'm the only one of us who has lied awake after sex wondering "what about me?"
5. The entire problem probably lies with me because I have, from day one with her, relinquished everything I was interested in if she didn't approve. That means friends, hobbies, etc. She's an extremely insecure and jealous person, even resenting time I spend helping the kids with homework, etc. It was a mistake, I know...
6. I do resent her because I have given her the best years of my life and all I ever asked for in return was a little curiousity on her part, but she just isn't.
7. She would not be open to the idea of a sex therapist. She views any outside advice or ideas as a waste of time and money because she's perfectly satisfied - I'm the one with the problem because I'm not satisfied.
Anyway, sounds like I'm whining. There are bigger, much more important problems in the world than my selfish desires to be happy with my wife's and my sex life. Sorry to go on like this, but thank you again for the responses.
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A
female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 I think you are resenting you wife unfairly here.
If she's told you she's not interested in spicing things up in the bedroom then she's just being honest, and you now face a tough decision whether to accept that and stay, or to move on.
What you should try to avoid is having an affair, which would be a much easier option but a really bad decision.
I advise having a serious chat with your wife and trying to reach a compromise. Im certain most women would not want to have sex with another man to please their husband but perhaps she would be willing to try a few new things with you if you let her know how stongly you feel.
It's never too late to change your life, it's all about having the courage to do it.
See if you can work things out with her and if not, then perhaps think about a divorce.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, like a good wine +, writes (12 June 2008):
like a good wine is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondudel,
Thanks for your reply. One of our problems, if I could call it that, is that my wife and I are quite active sexually; the issue is that she is quite content with straight intercourse, mixed with a little oral. I, on the other hand, could spend all day pleasing her over and over with my mouth, but I still feel a need for something a little different after all these years. I don't understand why a vibrator or dildo can't become part of our sex life; She's making me feel like I'm one of only a handful of people in the world who think the way I do. Whenever I try anything new, she tells me she's happy just with my body, why can't I be satisfied with just hers? I'm really frustrated. I guess we're just different.
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