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male
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anonymous
writes:Guilt. What is its value? Are we entitled to put it aside or de we need to recognise it and act on it?I recently met a girl at a party. I had noticed her around before but not spoken to her. We chatted, had a laugh together and she kissed me. It felt amazing and I was very happy. I remember thinking, "Well that's that then. Easy!" We've now started dating. That's all good.I was speaking to a friend last night who was at the party and I mentioned I was seeing this girl. He said he thought she was quite drunk and thought she was flirting with him at one point. I actually laughed when he said this, thinking "Ah, she's a live wire, bless her!" I've thought about his comment more today however, in the light of conversations I've had with my girlfriend and feelings I've had since I met her. She asked me soon after we started seeing each other why I hadn't spoken to her before the night we met. I felt GUILT when she asked me this because I had previously decided not to pursue anything with her, as she struck me as shy and too librarian-like for me. So I felt I was being dishonest for being with her. But then I thought back to the night we met and how good I felt then. Now my friend's comment has prompted me to wonder whether it was mostly booze-fuelled fantasy and whether I'd acted with integrity. I actually feel like my integrity is shot to pieces but I don't know if I'm just being too hard on myself... I don't think being soul mates is about feeling comfort, or satisfaction or feeling 'good' about being with each other, I think it's about trusting and respecting on another enough to live with complete interity.Some tell me to give it a chance, it's too early to know what might lay ahead and to take each day as it comes. Others warn me of the dangers of dishonesty and encourage me to be true to myself and confess my doubts sooner rather than later. What do you think? Is it healthy for someone like me, who is so analytical and introspective to confess my doubts and fears to my girlfriend or is it healthier to to focus on the possibilities and good things we have together and put my darker thoughts to one side?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks girls. Yes, I am a lucky boy. Twirly, I agree we're only dating, we've only known each other five weeks and I've decided to lighten up about the whole thing. I was feeling guilty for not knowing she is definitely without question the one I cannot live without, since I love so many different things and I really don't know how I might change over time. None of us know that though so I think it makes sense to enjoy this path for all that it is and if it ever needs correcting then to take the necessary action.
Jess, yeah, maybe a bit of unpredictability and excitement is what I'm missing. It's up to me to make that happen.
I wonder what makes a man want to settle down?
Anyway, I hope you're both well. Have a good weekend! By the way Twirly, I quite randomly thought of Eddie Izzard this morning and then read that you liked him. What's he up to at the minute? Still trying to be a film star? I'd rather he did another tour. I liked his "blue sock infiltrating white's wash"! Hidden inside a shirt, because they're a bit dopey...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Hello again! Well, I have to say, after your feedback I am a little confused. Being a nervous, over-analyser with low self confidence myself, the situation you have described sounds ideal! You love her, have a nice and comfortable relationship with her and obviously fate was smiling on you the night you met her... had you been feeling different you might not have had the confidence to meet her as you said. So my question to you is- what exactly is wrong with your situation? A lot of people wish they could feel comfortable with their partner, I've never enjoyed the nerve racking feeling! Is the case that you are looking for excitement in your relationship? Unpredictability? xxx
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Hey again!
I totally hear what you're saying, I have felt the same things you mention myself.
My take on it is that yes, it can be hard to feel comfortable around someone you fancy the pants off, but you are also going to meet people you do fancy and also do feel comfortable with! It's chemistry working in your favour really!
Also, the way you describe feeling the night that you met your girlfriend could also have been how she was feeling. ie more confident and bubbly than usual. Especially as you say that she struck you as shy up till that night.
It seem as though you two clicked while both in really good moods and if both of you are by nature less outgoing than you both were than night, then all the better, as you'll still be compatable.
The other thing ot remember is that you're both currently dating, and either of you can end it at any time, so try not to worry too much about whether you've made the right choice, or about what or who else you may be missing out on. If you're not happy then you will break up, if you are happy but just not sure as to exactly why you are happy, then just go with it and have fun.
If the feelings don't pass then perhaps you should just break up! However it sounds to me as though you're questioning yourself out of being happy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jess and Twirly. Jess, I was in a particularly good mood the night I met my girlfriend. I'd done well in a running race earlier that day and had been relaxing for the rest of it and was far more externally focused than normal - I was really interested in helping all those I came into contact with to have a good time. I thought my girlfriend was pretty but I wasn't conscious of making a move for her. I was particularly interested in making her feel good. I remember being really pleased when I saw she was there that night and I even noticed that I was glad she would see me on good form. Perhaps when I had seen her around on previous occasions I just wasn't as self-confident as I was the night we met and I've been misconstruing my previous lack of interest. So really, I decided to pursue her when MY point of view was different, rather than when a different side of her emerged. I think what's bothering me is that I fell for my girlfriend when I wasn't 'myself'. I felt almost completely comfortable with her and since that night she has mentioned that the more attractive she finds someone, the less comfortable she feels with them. I am similar, so it bothers me that I'm so comfortable with her! The other day I found myself wishing for someone who made my world jar sideways and who made me feel like I wanted to throw up. Weird huh?
I'm bothered that if I had been focused that night on the idea of someone I simply couldn't live without, I might well not be with my girlfriend now. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is a lovely girl and when I feel moved to tell her I love her I do. Sometimes I will look at her, maybe in the morning or after we've made love and I'm overwhelmed with her beauty and I say, "I love you." I guess my heart just always yearns for the road not travelled or, as some people say, the stuff I don't have.
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (12 June 2008):
I don't think you have anything to worry about.
If she actually was flirting with your friend at the party then it was most likely before she got chatting to you.
I would forget about it and focus on what you have now which sounds to me like a lovely girlfriend!
If all has been fine since you met then you have nothing to gain by bringing up something potentially so heavy and irrelevant now. You yourself may have chatted to other girls that night before you ended up talking to her.
If you have concerns about other things than that then by all means get them off your chest with her, otherwise I advise just enjoying yourself and your new relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Personally, I think that it is important to share doubts or hopes or fears, everything with your partner because communication is very important in a relationship. However, in a new relationship it is normal to feel a bit unsure.. correct me if I'm wrong- you feel dishonest for being with your girlfriend as you previously decided not to pursue a relationship as she seemed a bit shy and conservative but then pursued when she showed a more confident side?
Just double-checking I have the right end of the stick.
If this is the case then I really don't think you need to worry, you fell for the confident-party girl and now you know her better shes still the same right? Maybe before when she was shy its just because you hadn't spoken to her. You have no need to feel dishonest and your integrity isn't blown to pieces at all!! Trust me, its normal to feel a bit unsure and doubtful at the start of a relationship, you aren't really settled with each other and you don't completely know each other, everything's new... its totally normal. I think you should relax (as a fellow analyser of everything I know this isn't easy) try and ignore your doubts and just go with the flow.
The only time dishonesty is a serious problem is if someone could get hurt. You didn't know her back then, now you do and it sounds like you really like her so just enjoy being with her!!
:)
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