A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy on and off for almost a year. He has a young son (4 years old) and when we were first starting to see each other and things were getting serious, he got scared and said he couldn't handle anything new because his previous relationship with his baby mama ended so badly. I told him I didn't have time to play games and stopped all contact with him. Two months later, he came back and said he was really sorry that he was afraid of committing and asked if I wanted to start hanging out again but go really slow this time. I still cared a lot about him so I agreed. It's been a couple months since then and we talk every day and see each other once a week on average. Recently he told me he feels really guilty because he likes me a lot but we can't spend more time together due to his busy schedule (work, sports and his son's activities) and he just isn't ready for a relationship right now. He said he isn't introducing his son to anyone until he's ready and he understands if its just too slow for me. I said the pace is ok with me, I don't want to rush it either but I know at some point I will want something more. In the past guys have used the "not ready" as an excuse for "I'm not that into you" but with this one, I feel like he truly does care for me. I have met a few of his friends and family members and we walk around like a couple in public. I do not have any children of my own so I am not sure if I am just completely blind and hopeful or if with time, he will eventually want to get serious. Any advice is appreciated,thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2020): He's feeling guilty! Why? You should seriously consider that he's working on things with his baby mamma and you are handy eye candy to walk around hanging onto his arm publicly so that everyone can see your infatuation or interest in him.That way handy rumours get back to his baby mamma that he is still desirable and their is a potential 'nice girl flame' to comfort her ex if the reunion doesn't happen.Being a nice girl you could just tell him that he is not what you are needing right now.It would do him good and shake up the dynamics quite a bit.Most men take dating a bit like a sled race, the faster the better, so his line of 'he's not ready yet' and 'he wants to take it slow' means to me that he has no intention of crossing the finishing line with you but wants you lined up behind all the other sleds. As you are quite a catch yourself I think you need an emotionally available man to travel the entire journey with.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 March 2020):
 Sweetheart, he is telling you loud and clear that he is not ready for a relationship. What the hell is he doing stringing you along? Are you happy with only seeing him once a week and being his phone buddy the rest of the time? If so, for how long?
What he is telling you when he says he isn't ready for a relationship right now is that you are ok to casually trot along with while he licks his wounds from the breakdown of his previous relationship and puts you at the bottom of his priority list.
My own experience of this sort of ersatz relationship is that, when the other party is eventually "ready" for a proper relationship, they will dump the person they've been stringing along and start a completely new relationship with someone else. Not saying that will definitely happen, because none of us are psychic, but that is what I have seen happen on a number of occasions.
You need to decide whether your life is worth putting on hold on the off chance this guy will come good in the end. Remember, he will ALWAYS have his son, who should always be his top priority. He will also always have his work and his sports interests. The question is, will he ever have more time for YOU or will you always be the bottom of his priority list? Is that all you think you deserve?
The ball is in your court. Only you can make a decision on this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2020): You're "dating" and "seeing each-other" for now. Take any guy seriously when he says he's not ready for a relationship. His reasoning will vary; but the point is, they will not and do not want to commit to a relationship.
I wouldn't waste a lot of my time getting too attached, if I were you. If you've noticed, you're not even officially a couple.
If this guy, or any guy, tells you he's scared and doesn't want to get hurt. Defer to your sense of logic and commonsense. That is in total opposition to what you are looking for.
Can you guarantee you won't hurt him? Is a grown-man "scared" of making a commitment what you're looking for? Is he taking it slow, or just stalling? Can you tell the difference?
If you haven't had sex yet, hold-off on it! If you have, you should still hold-off on it for awhile.
A committed-relationship is what you're looking for, and he says he's not ready. If you share intimacy, make absolutely certain that you understand that is not a sure indication he is ready to commit to you.
Emotionally, women attach more to sex than men tend to. Especially a woman such as yourself, who has set the standard that she wants a meaningful and committed-relationship. You have no time to be jerked around or toyed with. It's always wise to take your time; but that's only practical when you're both on the same page, and wanting the same-thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2020):
 I know you like the guy, but you NEED to listen to what he says.
"he just isn't ready for a relationship right now."
He isn't READY. So what he is doing is having you as a "GF- experience" while still (in his mind) being single.
He hasn't processed the break up fully. He is still focused on what the ex did. Not dating you because his ex was an *insert whatever bad description* DOESN'T mean he has the right to paint you with the same brush as her.
Yes, he might CARE for you but that doesn't mean he will want to DATE you. You might be... his rebound. And people can definitely care for and about their rebound.
Not wanting to introduce anyone to his son until he is SURE and READY is smart. FOR him (and his son) but that really leaves you either hanging or maybe it actually clarifies that he STILL can't see you as his potential partner long term. He has has ALMOST a year to decide and he still feel like he ISN'T ready. SO if I were you, I'd take that as a:" no, I'm NOT the one for you, you are not the one for me."
There is no time limit to how fast or slow people get over bad dating/relationship experiences.
And you guys only see each other ONCE a week?! After almost a year of dating? Is that what you are looking for in a relationship?
And he might be a great guy, but HE isn't ready to commit to more than once a week and isn't really sure about the two of you, even after almost a year.
You decide here. I think he is stringing you along, not done with malice but I would think after a year you KNOW if the person you have been seeing is someone you WANT to build a long term relationship with or not.
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