A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm struggling whether I should move in with my boyfriend or not. We've been together for two years, all of which has been far from rosy. We live two hours apart and since day 1 his much younger ex girlfriend has caused us many problems. He was to blame too, don't get me wrong, he was too weak and I would go as far as saying he harboured a lot of feelings for her at the beginning.Now that we are over all that we are trying to figure out what is our next move. The option that suits us best is for me to move into his house. I am really looking forward to the idea of a fresh start as a family together with my son and his daughter who is no relation to the ex, thank God! The only thing I am worried about is that his house is in the ex's home town, with her relations everywhere! I have no problem putting my stamp in the place and showing all of them that we are a family and have moved on from previous history but I am afraid that she will cause me problems, she still has a lot of feelings for my boyfriend and I think she hopes they will get back together. Now I know there is not a whole lot she can do but giving the history between both of them I worry. I realise this is a trust issue on my behalf, which I am working on, but I definitely feel that living apart is not good for us.Is it wise to move there? I am a firm believer of never running away from a problem but will this move cause me more??Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): If you don't think you are going to get your boyfriends support if this 'ex' does start giving you grief and that you are still a little concerned about their history then I don't think that is the basis on which to move in. If, on the other hand you know precisely what your boyfriend would do or say (because he has confirmed it) if his ex did give you hassle and you are 100% sure he won't stray then that is a good reason to move in. At the moment you are carrying all the weight of the unknown and you need much stronger foundations. Have you spoken about your concerns? The reaction you get might help you. A man that says "If you get any problems then they will be sorted out I'm not having you upset" would be worth moving in with but if he says "oh you're just over-reacting again" is dismissing your feelings and unlikely to care either way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi
Ok, yeah, I agree with hijacked_dignity!
I too advise against moving in with the man just yet! TRUST is the most vital part of any relationship and without it, you have little chance of survival. And, you with your issues have an uphill task already cut out for you. Besides, you cannot take you child off to settle in a place from where he might have problems settling or he settle beautifully only to discover that now must pack because your relationship has turned sour!!!
And, staking a claim on someone is such a sleazy affair!I mean you constantly have to fight for territory and maybe even attention. You are the older the wiser one, besides, your man chose to be with you. Went so far as to ask you to move in! However, take your time and try to put the ex out of the picture! I mean, how can you expose yourself to such a level of commitment without being sure of the trust part?
Don't rush it! When it happens, it will in a manner that feels natural and beautiful and there's no doubt about it's feasibility! Until then, work on your relationship. I mean you also have the well-being of two kids to consider here, right?
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 From the way the situation sounds, you seem like you are moving in so you can prove to this ex that you and him are really together. And her family. And yourself. Moving in won't change behaviors. You didn't really say what exactly made you not trust your boyfriend, but I'm assuming that he did something that didn't exactly settle well when it comes to his ex. I guarantee that whatever issues you two have now, they are only going to get worse when you two move in together. Is that something that you are willing to deal with?
This mentaility is rather similar to couples who have children thinking that it will save a relationship. Moving in shouldn't be about keeping an eye on the other or proving anything to anyone else. You should want to move in with each other because you love and TRUST each other. I would definitely advise settling things before even considering moving in. I mean what if the strain is too much? You will have to uproot yourself and your kid from this situation. There is a lot more to lose when sharing the same household, so I would definitely hold off until you are absolutely sure that this ex thing is behind you. It may take a while, but you'll save yourself a lot of potential disappointment.
Good luck!
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