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female
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anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been together for 4 years but just recently I've realised he and my dad have many similar characteristics. When I was 12 I was given the choice of living with either my mam or dad. I choose my mam because I felt she needed me more than my dad. She was an alcoholic so I knew that she needed to be looked after. I had been living with my dad for a year to get away from my mam but when I chose to live with her my dad dropped me down to her place, driving in silence. Dropped me off without a word and never came to visit and never rang etc. He had custody of my other two brothers and would bring them down to me and my mam's to visit every week but he never wanted to see me. I never got to tell him that I loved him and the reason I chose mam was cause I knew she needed me. I've suffered from depression since I was 10 as I was raped and beat up by my mams boyfriend at the time. I've only told one person, my partner about the rape. He used to beat my mam and my brothers senseless aswell. To cut a very long story short, from the age of 6 until i was 15 not counting that year I spent at dads I looked after her. She was a binge drinker so I'd get her sober then she'd go back on it etc. the withdrawels were difficult, vomiting, hallucinations, cold sweats etc. Usually lasted weeks, I always felt sad. I was bullied at school cause I didn't know how to relate to children, they were so childish, lets play with dolls.... I was busy worryin about my mam, my brothers and money. Any money we had was spent on drink. I was 7 when I started robbing money from mams purse so I could give it back to her when she ran out of it so we could afford food. It was hard. When I was 15 I met my fiance and he made me feel special. 3 weeks after we got together my mam died from liver failure. I went to live with my nan who blamed me for her death etc. I clung to my partner who has always been there for me.I'm 19 now. Can't relate to people of my own age. I've already dealt with my past. I put myself through councilling, allowed myself to be medicated when neccessary etc to get better. I'm nearly over the depression, my doctor helped me to get away from my nan who kept blaming me and wouldn't let me forget the past so now I've my own appartment,I've got 1 more year left in college and i'll have an honours degree in accounting.I've rebuilt my life so finally here's my petty question. I love my fiance, he's 36. He has the same sense of humour as my dad, looks similar to him etc. He's been there for me throughout my recovery, we have a great relationship, everything is perfect but will it work in the long term as i think he may be just as much a father figure to me as an equal partner?
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (11 June 2006):
 You have had a very difficult life, and I know how hard is it to grow up with a parent who is dependent on alchohol (my father was a chronic alchoholic), but you have proved that no matter how hard things can be, if you are determined enough you can make something of your life instead of becoming another victim, so you should be incredibly proud of yourself.
The down side to having a childhood such as this is that you have little choice if you are to survive than to grow up quickly and take on the responcibilities of an adult, you therefore find it hard to relate to people of your own age now.
You have a fiancee who obviously holds you in high regard to still be by your side and to have stuck with you through your depressions and the hard times you have endured coming to terms with your past.
Most of us find ourselves attracted to partners that resemble people we have had bonds with during our childhood although we may not realise it immediatly, and as long as your partner does not beat you as your father did your mother, drink or abuse you in anyway you should be happy you have found someone you can be completly open with, who will not judge you or throw your past at you.
Let yourself be happy, you deserve to be and accept that although your fiancee resembles your father in certain ways he is not the same man.
My husband who I have been with for many years also reminds me of my father sometimes, but even though my father was a drunk on the few occassions I remember him sober he had some good qualities, and it's those things I see in my husband. I suppose what I'm saying is no matter how bad your father was you saw something good in him, maybe you share the same sense of humour as your father for example which is why you find it endearing in your partner.
I hope you have many years of hapiness together, your fiancee sounds like a decent man and your rock.
I think you're a star!
Good luck !
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (10 June 2006):
 Well first off it must have been very very hard for you to deal with all that you have in your life and still made a success by doing your degree!! Well done you!! You have gone through it all and come out the other side! You are a very bright special caring individual. It must have been beyond tough but you have got through it and you are no doubt now a stronger person! Maybe your partner is like a father figure, but no matter who we are we do tend to fall for people that we can liken to someone else or who has special qualities that we have previously seen in someone else. Just because he has the same sense of humour as your dad and a few other things probably just means that you felt attacted to the guy as he made you feel safe, thats not a bad thing its not a comparison, its just the qualitys that you liked. It doesnt mean that you only choose him because of your dad, more that you felt you could associate with him, on a better level. It doesnt mean that the relationship will fail as im sure he has much more about him than just those things that you mention, its likely its a coincidence, its just what made you attracted to him. Even though your dad was missing for a huge part of your life doesnt mean your guy is a subsitute, it could be the opposite, just someone thats strong enough for you, to care for you and make sure you are okay. Because you felt alone maybe some of he time and your dad wasnt there you have found a soulmate and someone that is there for you. I think if you really both want this realtionship then you are already on a great path. If you want to be together what does it matter he may slightly resemble someone that you held on a high regard. Concentrate on the two of you and dont worry, im sure you will be very happy together, you have already been shown the support and love that you need, and this could have easily been anybody else, we all form relationships, but we dont always pick who we fall in love with. Enjoy each other and be happy!
Take care
x
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A
female
reader, sibaan +, writes (10 June 2006):
 maybe it will because you need a support pole in your life as well as abest friend, lover and husband...you are lucky to have found a guy who wants to stickaround and help.
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