A
male
age
,
*he-betrayed
writes:My girlfriend of 3.5 years has just cheated on me. I am trying to think if I should forgive her because I am seeing her side and wonder if it is my fault as well. He is the story:We are in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years now, as I work in another country and she is a student, 26 years old, and still have another year before she graduates. I am 15 years older and I travel to her country for work on a monthly basis and we get to see each other 7-10 days per months. We also take trips together and she traveled with me in Europe like 8 times. Our relationship was of total trust and passion, and we were talking about building life together.But in the meantime, things were complex...I am separated but not officially divorced yet and still resolving financial issues from my marriage and with children in the picture it is complex. During the last year she has been pushing me very hard for commitment but I was unable to commit due to those issues and the complex situation and was holding her waiting, saying that I will decide soon and we should wait until she graduates, and in any case this would mean she have to relocate to my country, complex emotional situation for her I can see that, as she was insecure, and while I was faithful to her all along and I am almost sure she was to me, there have been a lot of tension building around this... Now 2 months ago she had her birthday and I could not make the trip and did not show up and the last time we met was for only 5 days and I was very stressed with work and all other issues and she pressed me really hard to commit and I got angry and I traveled after a fight we had. Then I was supposed to arrive for Christmas... And then I found out that she cheated on me with a guy. The way I found out was that I called her cellphone and she did not notice that the call got answered and I heard them together. When I confronted her she broke and confessed it all. I asked her why she did it and she said that she was so in need of me, so lonely and insecure in our long distance relationship that does not make progress, that she is 26 and life is passing by and that she loves me so much and wants me so badly for her life, but that I did not want to commit and my situation is so complex, and then this guy was introduced to her by a woman friend of her - they want to lunch, her and the woman friend and he was there, and then he asked her out for lunch and she went not thinking what this could turn into and they hanged out together, he helped her with shopping for her birthday and she became very sad that I was not there, and he was very romantic and nice, bought her a present, and two days later he showed up in her home with flowers right when she woked up and that morning she slept with him. She is so sad and miserable, she says that she did not even like it, that the sexual experience was bad and that she immediately felt so much guilt and remorse and that is so sorry about it. She is crying in tears, she is saying all the time how much she loves me and how stupid she was and that she will never be able to forgive herself. She does not believe that I will ever be able to forgive her or trust her and that her dream in life was to have me as her husband.She was faithful to me for 3.5 years (I am almost sure about this) and now she fell like this, and she seems to be truly sorry. I told her that I forgive her and we talked about this for hundreds of hours. She told me exvery litrle detail of what she did and how it happend, some details which I found hard to think about and very painful to iamgine, but the short answer is that it was a bad sexual experience for her, the guy used her and went ans she was left feeling used and ashamed of what she did. Now here is my question... I love her badly and I am asking myself if I have a role in her cheating, as I did not give her the security she needed to know that I will commit and when, and this was a long distance relationship which is already difficult and a big challenge. And I forgot one last detail, on the day that she cheated that morning, her younger sister got married in the evening. Now she did not say anything about this, but I was thinking that it definitely did not help her feel good, her sister getting married and she is with a man she loves, yet he is far away, did not come to her birthday and these things are extremely sensisitive a woman's heart. I can feel her pain and how much she is sorry and want to make it up to me, she promised she will change and will do whatever it takes to get it right, and that it will never happen again. Now here is my problem. I was truly thinking about commiting to her and even told her the truth which was that while I did not come to her birthday on Dec 9, it was because I was planning on coming on Cristmas and stay for two week with her and that I was planning on making the commitment to her in front of her family. I even bought her a ring for that. And NOW WHAT ??? !!! What a f***ked situation - I wanted to commit to her and she is breaking a few days before and now the woman I love has cheated on me and instead of thinking about commitment I am thinking about recovering the relationship and I am in terrible pain and so she is. She is in more pain from knowing that she destroyed her chance for happiness, the thing that she wanted the most was my commitment and now she is telling me that I will never do that because she is a cheater and she does not deserve me. That she is no longer ""pure", that she is now dirty and a cheater and deserves nothing good in life. She is demolished and cries all the time. Now we have met in christmas and were together for 14 days. I did not commit of course and we were just trying to save our relationship. We were relieved to see that things are still good on the sex side, I still am attracted to her and she is to me and sex is great, even though the thoughts of her with this other man were there for both of us for sure, but we are good on thyat front. We also talked maybe 100 hours on this and we have extremely open and honest communication, we said that our love is strong and will survive this, but after I traveled back we are both feeling weaker now, and sad thoughts come and go, as we realize things have changed and it will not be the same. It can be better maybe one day but right now trust is gone and have to rebuild it. Problem is, the original issue was olong term in a long distance relationship and I did not commit yet and now it happend, right before I wanted to commit 2 weeks later, and now how can we proceed? It kind of throws us back into a mode of living in this long distance trying to rebuild trust...This is so hard. Meanwhile, i am thinking that may be I should forgive her - I can see her side and can understand that she was desparate and was kind of thinking it will never happen and wanted to see if there is another way. I don't really know what she thought and nither she can understand it, it happend and she lost control and fell for the effection of that guy in amoment of terrible loneliness and insecurity. Would you forgive her ? And more importantly, would you consider commiting to a woman who has cheated ? not in general, but in that special situation that I described ?I really need some advice as I am suffering a lot of pain, while I am in pain I can see how she is destroyed emotionally she feels that she has no hope with me, and yet I am doing everything in my power to show her that I love her, that I forgave her, that I want to continue with her. I send her flowers, I talk to her, she says that she does not deserve so much love, that she deserves to be left and she says that she will love me forever that she wants a chance but she is so insecure now.And my fear is that now we are trapped in a catch 22 - it will take a lot of time before I can trust her again, I will never know if this is because of the long distance and lack of commitment on my part or because she is weak and can break again and cheat again in the future ...
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cheated on me, christmas, divorce, flowers, insecure, long distance, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Thanks Lonely Two. Many people who are separated don't realise how big an issue it is for the other person. If something goes wrong the whole world will be at them for dating a person still legally married! And a relationship is more hypthothetical than real.
To the OP: You sound very perceptive and understanding. Here is what I'd suggest: I'd think, go slow on the ring part and look hasty on getting yourself legally free... so she sees that you are acting on something.
That would stop her thinking that her life is passing her by and you are not doing anything real for her. In your situation, a divorce is as important as a ring... You are also in your 40s so she must be worrying about starting a family or something, even as a thought!
That would be reassuring to her without creating an added complication of being engaged so soon after such a big emotional mess. Sacrifice some details of intricate financial planning if you need to, to make sure that after almost 4 years your divorce is reality. How can anything take this long!
You also sound very sure that she will hang around waiting... In this situation, she is alone and unsure and if she cheats again, or decides to dump you out of guilt, you will cheat yourself out of happiness.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): You're in a long distance relationship with a woman who is much too young for your and clearly too immature to deal with all the issues you face in your world every day. Yes I think she will cheat again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is where the problem is coming from - you are "free" in your head enough to stay in a relationship with her for almost four years. Yet, you want the legalities to go before you commit yourself.
You have already acknowledged that this hassles her. You are not saying that if you were legally free you'd want her... So she does not know.
Its really, really selfish for separated but not divorced people to get into relationships. Its hell on the other person because you tell them that there are only legal ties that bind you to the previous relationship, yet shy from making emotional commitments.
Solve that and the rest will fall in place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Hi there, No one can really say whether your girlfriend will cheat or not, nor tell you whether you should stay with her. But going by what you have put, you love her deeply and she loves you and she is distraught over what has happened then i can only guess that she has made a mistake she regrets deeply and has come to the conclusion that despite the difficulties you have in your relationship, distance, ex wife etc, she has realised that being with another man is not the answer.
One could argue that she has told you to relieve her guilt and for you to forgive her, however she has confessed and you clearly want to forgive her.
I would say you are doing the right thing in building up the trust again and talking openly about your relationship. You clearly have some obstacles, the ones which you have pointed out and all i can say is you either have to look at a job where you are in the same country or you both accept that is how it is and you both work hard at making it work. She has made a mistake, your relationship is made more difficult because it is long distance but you both need to agree that this does not mean in the future being unfaithful can be condoned if you have both agreed to fidelity. I wish you all the best and hope that you can both move forward from this, best of luck!!
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