A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a toxic relationship for almost 3 years. We broke up several times but always got back together. While we had good times, his narcissistic personality traits made things difficult and left me feeling hurt and confused. He tended to be very inconsiderate and self absorbed , which is draining to say the least. He was very moody and always needed to be in control , you get the idea... . Anyways, . He was literally obsessed with wanting to get married and have a baby together. He mentioned it ALL the time. I always said yes, but not until our relationship was stable and healthy. As I thought that was the smart thing to do. I think he loved me as much as he was able too.. and I do feel I loved him. We had a fantastic sex life so I miss that of course. I'm having a hard time detaching from him. Our relationship while toxic , was exciting and addicting. I've never been in this predicament before. I want to move on but I always think of him. And I miss him. He's dating someone new and I can't help but feel a tad jealous and wonder if all the effort and work I put in, will it change him for the good? Will he be the same towards her or was that just with me? Today was my birthday and I thought for sure he'd message me but never did. So I guess that means he's really into this new women. I feel like he's the victor in all this. All I ever did was give a 110% and treat him the way I'd want to be treated. Just trying to feel better, get some positive insight and move on. Thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2018): What an interesting question! It seems you are still feeling some magnetic fallout worries and you have not quite detached enough to be pragmatic and realistic.
The answer is that it is extremely unlikely that your good effort with this former partner will ever impact on anyone but yourself and now that you have moved on you should be totally unconcerned about your ex.
An ex remains in the past.
Anything you did in the past will not alter anything.
He won't be nicer because of you.
Think of yourself as a coat he once wore to keep himself warm.
Good at the time.
But now lost on a train or a bus.
After some perishing cold moments he found, borrowed or bought another coat.
You need to depersonalise him in order to let go a bit more.
The coat imagery should help.
He is probably only concerned about the coat he is wearing.
Marriage and kid proposals do come frequently when guys are showing initial loyalty.
How they follow through is often what clinches the deal.
Words are great for wooing.
Perhaps you never got beyond that first flush of love.
And you still expect more from him than most people would.
Its not normal for exes to say happy birthday.
So you might want to look at yourself and see if you are in the habit of giving and getting mixed messages.
It seems that is what torments you.
Most people would not stay on talking terms with a former partner unless children were involved.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2018):
 You spend 3 years HOPING he would change. You can't build a relationship on hope alone. And certainly not the "hope" someone else will change.
People rarely change. Over time some do, as they mature and experience more of life, the people who WANT to change.
He didn't WANT to change, therefore you wasted those 3 years on him. Not that they were a total waste... Hopefully you learned what you do NOT want in a guy.
Do NOT date someone who is a "fixer upper"... someone who HAS to change to be the partner you can see yourself with. That is just not realistic. which means, date men who you CAN see yourself with long term AS they are.
Is he really the victor? I think not. His new lady will notice ALL the same stuff he did with you. And she will either ACCEPT them, HOPE he will change (like you did) OR decide he really IS NOT worth her time.
Regardless, HE is who he is. That will not change. She might not have seen his more narcissistic personality traits and toxic behavior... yet. But someone like him DOES NOT change. And they can only fake it for so long.
I think overall YOU are the victor here. You walked away from something that was BAD for you and toxic to boot. You didn't make the mistake of marrying him or having his kid... Can you imagine how BAD that would have been? then it would have been YOU feeling STUCK with this guy and a child having no say!
I say avoid his social media, block his number, he doesn't need to call for any reason at all.
For whatever reason, some women ARE addicted to toxic relationship and the drama - think it's OH SO passionate but it really isn't, it's just fucked up.
The only way to "let him" win is be keeping him around in your heart and head. TAKE your time to mourn the end of the relationship but don't WALLOW in it. He isn't worth it.
And in a few months start thinking about what you want in a man. What you have LEARNED from dating this toxic person and what to AVOID next time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 March 2018):
 Sweetheart, you know in your heart he was not right for you. It doesn't matter how great your sex life was (you can't spend your life in bed) or how fond you were of him. You two were just not meant to be together.
It doesn't really matter how he is with his new girlfriend (chances are he will be the same as he was with you, but she is different to you and may settle for what he gives, whereas you obviously had higher standards and aspirations - well done).
You know you are worth more. Of course you miss certain aspects of the relationship, and it hurts that he has moved on. Make your birthday present to you a fresh start. Shake yourself down, look in the mirror and tell yourself "I can do this. I am worth better. Today is the first day of the rest of my life" and let him go.
Oh, and happy birthday.
...............................
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