A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so afraid that I'm going to get bored with my marraige and cheat on my wife.My family and religion taught me that the best thing you can do for your marraige is to wait to have sex until you are married. They said that having your wife as your one and only sexual partner would create a strong bond in the marraige. Sex would be special; something that would be shared only between us. Unfortunately, my fiance' did not have that outlook. As we were falling in love with each other, I would hear her talk about all of her colorful sexual exploits. Sex to her was nothing more than a casual way to spend the evening. Whenever someone talks about being promiscuous, she just says that they are sowing their wild oats. She loves me and says she can't wait to settle down and have kids now. She's tells me that I should be happy she sowed her wild oats, because now I don't have to worry about her cheating on me. Since she's got all of that out of her system.The problem is that I never sowed my oats. I spent most of my life saving myself for my future wife. Now I'm wondering if I've made a huge mistake. Hearing her stories has really screwed me up. Now as the wedding approaches, all I can think about is everything I missed out on.I used to love the romantic notion of saving sex for my wife, but after hearing about her and her friends exploits, the idea of only being with one person for the rest of my life scares me. I used to look forward to marraige, but now I want nothing to do with it. Which is better? The single life or the married life?
View related questions:
fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): What woman wouldn't admire you for waiting for sex in marriage? That's a big Wow:) in this day and age. p.s. I don't think it's cool for her to bring up past sex experiences with her friends either. just my opinion
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate everyone’s advice. Thanks for responding to my update as well. I think every answer here has given me something to think about.One good thing that came out of this is that we talked about her “sexual reminiscing” and we both agreed that it should be put behind us. I don’t care if she talks about it to others when I’m not around. I just don’t want to be there when she does. I guess it all comes down to being content with what we have. I am about to have everything I always thought I wanted: A loving wife, in-laws that I actually enjoy being around, a nice home, life-long companionship, etc. I always thought I was sacrificing the empty promiscuous lifestyle so I could have the life I really wanted. Unfortunately, now that it is within my grasp, I’m as unhappy and unsettled as ever. I don’t know if I would ever find someone as amazing as my fiancé again, but at the same time I pray that I’ll be able to put all of the regret for “missed opportunities” behind me one day. I also hope the craving for excitement will eventually subside. For some reason marriage all of a sudden seems more like a death sentence than a new life. When I am with her, I really do feel love for her, but when I am away from her, I question our relationship more than I miss her. But part of me wonders if that is because we are together so much that I don’t have an opportunity to miss her. Then again in the beginning of our relationship, I missed the hell out of her if we were apart for more than 15 minutes. I guess that part of the “honeymoon phase” has just run its course.She, on the other hand, loves me almost to a fault. Sometimes I worry that she is more enamored with me than I with her. I have always thought that in every relationship there is always one person that loves the other more than they love them back. I have been on both sides of that equation and I honestly don’t know which side is better or worse to be on. Damluvaam suggested that this is more of a desire for revenge than a fear of boredom. I admit that is a valid point. We have both told each other that cheating would be the one thing that would end our marriage. I don’t think that I would ever actively seek out an affair, but part of me worries that if the opportunity presented itself, I would rationalize giving into the temptation by telling myself “Well she has had a lot of sexual variety in her life, why can’t I?” I don’t want to enter a marriage if this is a possibility for me, but I fear it might be.I should really be thankful for what I have. I really hate myself for even questioning all of this. I guess we really don’t appreciate our blessings until we lose them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Okay, here it goes, I was over the age of 40 when I married for the first time to a man who was much younger (33). I have lived both lives. My aunt (not much older), married her first sweetheart very young and has been married for 40 years now. She is my best friend. I have experienced singledom, gotten married, and have heard the frank assessment from one long term married when she was a virgin. I can say with the utmost certainty, that life is better with your best friend, mate, spouse, lover, and that intimacy, trust and a multitude of other little things converge to make married sex so incredible. It is the media that bombards us with this erroneous idea that singledom sex is so fantastic, while married sex is blah. WRONG! How can a brief encounter (with a condom on) with someone you barely know, nor will you ever see again (except maybe with embarrasment), ever compare to loving, giggling, quick, slow, whatever-whenever, with your mate whose body you know like your own, because you have explored and together have created this wonderful intimacy.Go ahead and look up "laugh your way to a better marriage" by Mark Gungor. Although he is somewhat religious, if you look over that, he is quite honest and frank about marital sex. Believe me, it's the best....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I was answering and in the meantime you gave some more info.About your last question, research shows that couples are more happy then singles.If you have the experience of a wilder life, once you married, you do not have the feeling that you might have 'missed' something.At the other hand, if your gf is feeling as 'the woman of your life', you might regret that you choose to explore, because it's not easy to find the love for life.Depending on your feelings, you should discuss this with your gf and if you are 'pre-destinated for each other' you will anyway come together again.Only you are responsible for what you do and don't do and you also have the result of it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): I think the idea to wait till you have been married is very pure at one hand, but not so practical at the other hand.
What if it doesn't really work.
Don't think that sex for every couple is perfect for both and the reasons can be various.
Your question feels more as a result of frustration that your gf has experience and she is teasing you about it a little too much. Maybe you should ask her not to talk less about it because you don't like or cannot handle so good.
Try to see the things from another perspective. You are a lucky guy, with her experience she can give you much more pleasure comparing if she was still a virgin.
But if you start to regret that you waited so long, where are you still waiting for...
All our life is about decissions and results and only you are responsible for your own decissions: You decided to wait (because of your family's ideas?), but you have the result of your decissions (not your family).
Open your view and don't bother because your gf is teasing you a bit, you will not be bored, and if you want to be sure, you can always decide and find out before. (take care that she will not be bored..:):)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I hear you guys with the retroactive jealousy thing, and it has been a demon I'm dealing with, but I am learning to accept her past for what it is.
The problem is it feels like a switch has gone off in my head. Its like "okay she took a bite of the apple and she's seems better for it. Now I want to take a bite of that apple."
Her promiscuous lifestyle just sounded so exciting, that it makes marraige look dull by comparison.
I am just worried that I'm in for a massive mid-life crisis.
I guess I have to decide between a promiscuous life where I can do whatever I want, or a loving family life where there is stability, love, and affection.
I'm sure there are a lot of people on this board that have lived both lifestyles. I wanted to know which one worked better for them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): What this site calls it is retro-active jealously. You start thinking of all the men that touched your wife and it Bothers you. Well, for 1 she admits sex was just sex and nothing special. She really is lucky to have a guy like you that felt it was special. Now you need to think very seriously if you can accept her past and live with it. If you really truly love her, then you will and not hold it against her. She hasn't hid anything from you, so when you step into marriage, you can't blame your wife for any choices that YOU made. Love covers a multitude of sins.As for getting bored with sex, I waited like you, and each year it gets better and more intense.
...............................
|
