A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello everyone. So me and my gf of a year and a half have been having alota problems. Its got to the point where im not happy anymore and iv been thinking about us breaking up for a while. Two days ago i mentioned us breaking up and iv been trying to break it off slowly to cause the least amount of pain for the both of us. But now im questioning if its the right thing to do. All i could think about before is how much i felt i needed to end it and now i dont know if its a good idea. Will i ever find someone who loves me as much as her, who accepts me for who i am, who i love as much as i love her. I just dont know what to do anymore. please help if you have any ideas.P.S. this is the link to a question i posted earlier that gives a little more background on our relationship. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-keep-arguing-and-she-gets-really-hurt.html Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (29 May 2008):
 I read your previous question and the advice handed out there... and it seems that things haven't changed much in your head, right?
Well, there's two ways to go with this: stick with the relationship and suffer silently as she is completely happy to be in your company (something that's happened to me personally before -- not pretty)... or, you could break it off and call it done (oh, and I would recommend there that making it a gradual thing may seem nice, but I think it's better to just call it off quickly than dragging it out for an extended period of time). So, the bottom line is which do you choose...
Well, that's kind of a question that I think you need to answer for yourself, but let me toss a few facts your way. You are obviously compassionate because you're considering your GF's emotional state in wanting to make the break up easier for her... that's also what the personality tests call extroverted empathy. It's not a bad thing to have, but it means that you will help others more than you might help yourself... this is something I've got, so all I suggest is that you keep it in mind that this is your natural tendency and you'll actively need to remember to do things for your own benefit from time to time.
Another thing that comes to mind when reading about your GF's behavior here and in the previous post, I'm getting the idea that she might be a bit codependent. To what degree, that's for a professional to figure out. But what I can tell you is that no matter where and what you're doing, she's completely content to be with you. But, as you said before, she starts to exhibit anger, aggression, anxiety if you need to leave her. Codependence is one of those kind of conditions that will drive another person crazy... I've been there too. In my case, I had to break off that relationship because being around her feels like the life-force was being sucked straight from your veins. Unfortunately, no amount of conversation is going to break through the idealized vision of you and your relationship.
I guess my bottom-line here is that you need to do what's best for you. I personally think you'd be better served by breaking things off as sharply and as cleanly as you can, not this slow gradual thing you spoke of. Next, I might advise that you minimize contact with her as well. You may not be dating, but being in her presence is going to feel like you're standing at the edge of a black hole and you can feel the pull to suck you in again (promises of doing things better for you, etc.) but if you start down that path, you'll be back here asking the same questions again -- how do I break away from her?
Last point -- life is nothing but a series of choices and risks. In your case, you're wondering about if you will find another love as strong as you've got now. I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet the answer will be yes... probably soon after you stop searching for it. With every door that closes, new opportunities and doors open.
Best wishes!
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