A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a guy who I've known for almost 7 years now and he lives 4 hours away.The thing is ,we have been on and off all this time.He is the one who leaves because the distance is too hard for him ..only to return months later when he misses me then once he has me,he leaves again because he is not happy that I'm too far away.At first I thought he is just young...not ready to settle down. I met him when he was 18,he is now 23 and I'm now 31.He just came back in my life after a year apart and leave after only talking for 2 months..he claimed he has too much going in his life..and we might have something in the future.I now realize that I'm his back up plan he comes to when he can't find anything better. I'm always available for him,reliable and always priotize him.I never hurt him or disrespected him.He knows he is safe with me which is why he always comes back.He told me when we met that sees future with me.He was even talking about buying a house for us in the future.Now he is not even talking to me and has ignore further messages from me. Does he see a future with me?Is there a chance of us being together in the future once he matures. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 November 2016):
 Good for you OP. For putting yourself first, not him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea I might have to do that, I just didn't want to change it again since I changed it last time when he left me.As for social media,he doesn't have Facebook but last time he created a new Facebook to contact me since he couldn't get old of me on my phone..He baited me so I caved in thinking he was sincere...and gave him my new number again.But this time,it's for good so I will get a new number so I won't have to worry about him reaching out.
In addition, I deactivated my Facebook for now since I talk on everyone on what'sup and phone -- Facebook is not really necessary. I hardly use it anyways--I can always go back on in the future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2016):
Get a new number OP?
It would be easier than trying to ignore his calls/texts since you can't block it.
And BLOCK him on ALL social media.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cindy and yes I've finally reached a breaking point..it's not going to go anywhere...I'm wasting my time.At first I genuinely thought he couldn't do the distance but now it's obvious that the distance isn't the source if our problems.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 November 2016):
 3 years that you don't see each other ??? then... he is SO messing with you. I was going to give him the benefit of doubt, meaning that not everybody is cut out for LDRs, they want to have one but then in practice they cannot handle it.... but from what you wrote in your post and follow up- ... I really get the feeling that he is just making a fool of you and stringing you along - for fun.
Either way- that he "cannot"be with you, or that he does not want to be with you- this thing is clearly not going to happen. Stop wasting time and feelings on this guy, you already gave him too much of both so far.
Yes, much probably if you ignore his messages and don't answer, he'll get the hint eventually and will stop contacting you. BUT: so what , even if he does not stop. All you've got to do, is to delete his messages at once, without evening opening them.
We cannot ever control other people's actions and reactions, but we can control OURS. If YOU decide it's over, really really really over- and that you must move on-
he could write you a love letter on golden paper with hearts of glitter- and, if YOU have decided it's over , you would , and could, still move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe usually reachs out after 6 months saying he misses me and thinks about me all the time.This was the longest we've gone without contact which was a year and half because I didn't return his messages when he had reached out months ealier...as usual. But he was adamanant, he reach out again and again after several months begging me to get back to him since he misses me like crazy after not hearing anything back from meAdditionally, once I gave in..things we good for a while and he made plans for us to spend time together in person which I was looking forward to..of course that didn't end up happening.He started withdrawing--not initiating contact and sometimes he would just ignore my text.Then he says he has too much going in his life which is a problem since we live too far apart and that maybe we might have something in the future once his life is more settled.Indisight, when we fist met,he would make an effort to see me.We often took turns to visit one another about once a month and spend days together... neither of had cars at that time.This lasted for for 2 months untill he broke it off because the distance was too hard for him.However since then he has been coming back in my life after months apart saying he misses me,and we would see each other in person. This wouldn't last long until he leaves again because of the distance etc.Nevertheless, we haven't seen each other in person for almost 3 years now.The plans kept falling through and sometimes he cancels over flimsy excuse.. one time it was because he had a fight with his mom.This time he simply didn't follow through.I just wish if he would left me alone and stay gone.This has taken an emotional toll on meI guess I was just in denial..it's a lost cause.So if he does reach out again sometime down the road,would ignoring him work?will he give up eventually if I ignore his attempt to contact me?Unfortunately, I can't block numbers on my phone and he always change his numbers every now and then
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 November 2016):
He is only 23. Now , it's not that just because a guy is young he must necessarily be a moron, or a liar,- but it's the very concept of " future" that does not match yours.
For you, future means a programmable, measurable entuty : in 6 months, or one year, or 3 years.
For him, " future " is still a vague, hazy, infinite and indefinite stretch of time....it's " one day "... maybe soon, maybe in 20 years,- some time after right now, when things will just all fall into place without having to plan, strive , or work for a specific result.
Moreover, what makes me say that yours unluckily is a pipe dream , is the nature itself of your " relationship ".
Personally I am skeptical both about " on and off " and about LDRs - but that can be just my own hang up.
Then, though, when you combine the two risk factors... on and off, and LDR ... well, what does it mean in practice ? Objectively ? How much time have you actually spent together in person ? Doing regular dating stuff, going out with mutual friends, planning vacations together, etc. ?
If when you say he " comes back " every now and then- you simply mean that he can ignore you for one year, and then allows you a couple of months of random e-mails or texts...
then probably he does not even miss you, or feels safe with you, or any of the meanings you attach to it....he just seeks a change of pace, a diversion, a break from routine.
A bit, you know, like when you eat bananas or frozen yoghurt every day for a couple of months- and then, you have your fill, and pass to other foods.... and then after a long while, you say "mmmhh.... a banana,yes, why not. It's a long time I don't have bananas ! " It's just alternating different passing fancies- nothing deeper or more meaningful than that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): You are in control of what you are to him. If you don't want to be a back up girl then walk away and don't be a back up girl. I don't know if you'll ever be more, but the first step for that to happen is to take away his back up girl by walking away and giving him a chance to make you a priority.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2016):
Do you keep taking him back subconsciously?
Or do you think he will "change" or "suddenly realize" what a great girl you are?
My guess is the latter. You are holding on to a pipe dream and I think you know it. It's just whether you want to accept it or not. You are 31 chasing after a 23-year-old, an immature 23-year-old.
He might not be ready to settle down for another 10 years, it might take him 15. And he might STILL not be ready or he might have found a girl who isn't taking his shit. By then you might have tossed out your ability to have kids waiting on him.
I don't think he is doing it subconsciously. He might not be doing it out of malice, but it's become a habit to just go back to you when other avenues fail him. At least time he is ready to venture out again. Sort of like a go-to rebound girl.
I know you are hoping he will change, but he is 23! And if you look at his PAST behavior it should tell you LOUD and clear that he isn't going to change anytime soon, if ever.
Up to you if you want to keep doing the SAME thing and realize you GET the SAME shitty results OR if you WANT to make YOURSELF the priority if YOUR life. Right now you are in a holding pattern HOPING he will GROW up, HOPING he will be serious about you, HOPING he honestly sees a future with you. Hoping......
Hope is great, but not when you are NOT being realistic. Then it's just a waste of time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016): Hes too young for you. Move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response HoneyPie and No,I don't want to be his second choice.I was just wondering if he'll ever see me as more than just someone to fall back on.I guess it's lost cause. Does he do this subconsciously?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2016):
You have known him for 7 years and it hasn't moved past this on/off whatever it is, I don't think it's likely it will in the future.
As for his promises, well they sound grand but does he back them up with actual action? Actual deeds?
YOU have WASTED your 20's on a guy who doesn't SEE as a serious ling term partner. Why waste any more time on him? Why not find yourself a GUY who wants to be with you in an ON/ON relationship, one who doesn't run when things get tough, who doesn't IGNORE you for lengthy times and ONLY seem to come back when he has nothing better going for him?
He is playing you like a $1 recorder and you for whatever reason LET him.
Accept reality, OP - you ARE his fall back girl. Is that what you want? If not, stop playing along. CUT him off and out of your life and make YOU the priority, not him.
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