| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate porn, will I always have to tolerate it being in a relationship? I mean, I only had one boyfriend, and we had sex, a lot. Of course, it bothered me he looked at other women naked. I didn't look at other men naked, because I knew it made him feel bad, but apparently his watching other females was "different" and "not a big deal". Don't ask me why it bothered me, I guess it's just a "girl thing" like watching porn is a "guy thing". Right, I have small breasts, if he was looking at busty females all the time then what did he expect me to think? Especially because once I asked him if he liked their breasts better and he said he preferred big ones and couldn't help it, and that I should stop thinking about it because I was not perfect but so what. It made me feel SO great! Especially because I never told him anything like that about his body, or else I'd still be hearing his complaints. But anyway... I was perfectly happy with his body, it was perfect for me. I didn't need to look elsewhere.But anyway, what upset me the most was the type of sex we had. Not that I wanted vanilla sex all the time, I liked being kinky, but sometimes (especially when he was really turned on) our sex felt like it came straight out of a porn movie. I mean, when I gave him BJs it was the worse. *I* was giving him the BJ, *I* went at my own pace and *I* was very creative about it. I mean, I licked, sucked, massaged him, varied pace, did many things, I've watched many porn BJs and I can say mine were better. Then why, oh why dammit did he have to pull my hair all the time while doing it, pushing my head or generally just kind of forcing me to go out of my pace?I seriously hated all those porn like moves. Like pulling my hair. It hurts, I'm sure he wouldn't have liked his hair pulled. And I've seen that in porn too. Also other things he did, like facials without asking me. I just let him 'cause he enjoyed it and it was his fantasy or whatever, but it sucked getting his um, juice, even inside my nose or my eyes (sorry if it's too graphic). Or when he tried tit f******, especially since I have small breasts, I had to squeeze my breasts real hard, which hurt! Or anal, which I never liked but he did, and a lot, so I never refused. He was also generally quite blunt, in that he would bite too hard or when he stimulated my clit he would also do it too hard.Now don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the sex for the most part but it seemed that to him it was recreating porn. I mean, if guys want to learn new moves or whatever, why not read some sex blogs there are many and they give many tips and they're much more educational than porn which is not real and only caters to male pleasure! I hate it when men say "porn helps me learn new moves" or when they think that just because the actress on screen is faking an orgasm all way through while she's having her hair pulled it means it will give a real woman a real orgasm! I don't like having porn like sex. Don't get me wrong, I mean, why did I never tell him all this? Because I was young (still am lol) and was deeply in love and was afraid that if I stopped catering to his fantasied then he'd get bored of the sex and leave me. Sex was very important to him. I thought I could make those sacrifices to keep him happy, and I mean he was, he never complained and actually always told me he was happy to have such a kinky girlfriend.He wasn't addicted or anything, he just grew up watching porn so I guess I can't blame him that his idea of how sex should be came from there. But that is what scares me now. I'm single, and I'm afraid that guys my age (who also grew up with porn) will be like that and will favor that kind of sex. I don't want to be with a guy and tell him "I don't like this or that" and then think that sex with me is boring. If I'm with a guy I want to please him. I'm afraid all guys I go out with from now on will want some sort of XXX sex. I mean we were really in love, so love has nothing to do with the type of sex you have.Also, do guys really prefer big boobs? Not only did I hear that from my ex, but I've heard all my guy friends say the same, always saying positive things about girls with big boobs, but when it's a girl with small boobs it's like "hmm well yeah I guess I can ignore it" or "too bad she has small boobs though". I'm afraid I'm not pleasing enough for a guy, I want a guy to think I'm stunning, not that I'm lacking and I'm also afraid they'll all want porn like sex.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 "EVERY GUY WATCHES PORN! Show me a man who doesn't, and I'll show you someone in denial."
An institute completely dedicated to social science issues is perfectly capable of completing surveys on a touchy subject in a way that makes people less likely to lie. According to self-selected surveys and in person surveys the number of men who don't watch is LOWER (around 25% average) because there's more of a stigma attached to a man who doesn't watch porn. Yes, I've talked to men who downright feel shame because they don't enjoy porn. Surveys conducted in a more "responsible" manner show higher numbers of men who don't watch. The best survey was done by the Kinsey Institute, it showed around 30%, which is about what everyone else gets. The only people who believe that all men watch porn, are men who watch porn, usually men who watch a lot of it at that. That other 30% is usually upset that porn-watching is an assumption for all men. I'm researching the topic extremely in depth for an article, and believe me, I know a lot about the topic.
OP:
If you really can't tolerate a man who watches porn, you can find someone who will either respect your feelings and stop, or someone who's just not interested. That means having the strength to stop seeing someone who you know is just always going to be into it (trust your gut on this one). It sounds like you found one of the guys who is just completely incapable of relating to a woman sexually and I hope you can find someone who is more compatible (and more focused on reality). Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): To Male Anon,
I'm the OP, I think it's irrelevant to hijack the question and start arguing about who's right and who's wrong regarding whether all men watch porn or not. If you feel ok with your view, fine, but why try to impose it?
Plus if what you say is true, call me naive, but I prefer to believe person12345, because, in all honesty, I wouldn't want to end up with a religious freak type, since I am nowhere near religious.
I also hope to find one of the rare men who don't like big breasts. It's either that or staying single forever, because I wouldn't call the rest of my body spectacular enough to "make up" for my lack of breasts, which, by the way, I didn't choose! And yeah, it is TOO blunt. I mean, thanks for calling me "surf board flat", I'm sure if you had a small penis you would LOVE being called "pinkie sized"!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): A lot depends on the individual. I've heard women say they found hair-pulling a big turn-on. Violent rape fantasies are also strangely common. There's women who love porn (that aren't just saying it) and there's also men who hate it. Everyone is different.ALL guys watch porn? Statements like that say more about the guy making it than they do about all guys. Some people are asexual and don't even think about sex, so you can't say that EVERYONE does something (unless it's breathing, lol). But it's true that no one can fully avoid porn in this society anymore. Imagine how many more drunks there'd be if alcohol were delivered right to your door for free in unlimited quantities without you asking for it. But that's almost how it is with porno.I only watch occasionally, when the loneliness of being single for so long gets to be too much. :( Even then, it's never hardcore... more like all-female softcore erotica. There's no men, no penetration, no big closeups of body parts moving in and out, no bodily fluids, etc. I made a conscious choice never to watch anything nastier since my conscience and stomach can't take it. And if I were in a relationship, I'd hope to not rely on it at all. So NOT all porn is like what your ex watched. Some is almost beautiful and serene. It's just harder to find.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 You want empathy, but I am afraid that if we give you empathy we are not giving you much help. It's not a matter of blame or "fault " ,who's fault was it,the boy or the girl. I 'd rather forget about fault and use the word "responsibility " instead. You have full responsibility toward yourself, your body, your emotional well being.Even the responsibility for your sexual gratification ultimately lies with you- in being able to understand, choose and communicate what you like sexually and what you don't, and making sure that your tastes and preferences ,likes and dislikes, are heard and accomodated ,or at least respected. Only you can do that for yourself, only you can say "yes I dig that " or " no I hate that " , there's no sexually enlightened, guaranteed porn-free Prince Charming that will instantly know what 's the way you want to be loved. You are there to make them know.
There are men who do not watch porn at all ( I am sure about that ). There are men who watch porn yet understand it's a fantasy that it's not necessary and it's not enjoyable replicating in real life.
There are men that watch porn and learn their moves from there and that's all they want and know about sex. If you
meet one of them, it's up to you show/tell/explain them that this is not how it works for most women - or at least for you, who are , after all, the only one whose opinion is relevant, since you are the one who is having sex with him.
I am a bit concerned when you say " I was in love, I wanted to keep him, I was afraid he'd leave me, so etc. etc. ". This happens very often, everybody makes mistakes in love or for love- so don't beat yourself up for that. But,please understand that wanting to please at any cost is a dangerous concept. You have to draw the line somewhere. You would not start smoking crack , I hope, to please and keep a crackhead boyfriend,- so why did you feel it was Ok to engage in sexual acts that you despise, to keep a porn-lover bf ?
Maybe you have felt disrespected- but people can only disrespect us when we let them. This cannot change the past , but can change the future. When you meet your next partner, if he has watched a lot of porn, or some porn or no porn at all, after all is not even your business. Your business is making sure that your sex life is about
what YOU want, ( or ,at least, ALSO about what you want, because some times compromises work fine ) and not just about acting out the script going on in HIS head !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): EVERY GUY WATCHES PORN! Show me a man who doesn't, and I'll show you someone in denial.
Surveys that say 30% don't are ridiculously. You can't go by what's published by a survey - there are far too many factors that affect results. What was the size of this survey? Was it random? Where was the population from? And most importantly, HOW were responses collected?
Market researchers often utilize face-to-face interviews (think mall intercepts). The problem? Porn, and sex in general, is a sensitive issue to discuss openly. Even though it's 2010, it's taboo to walk around ANYWHERE in the world and openly talk about penises, vaginas, and intercourse - if you did, you'd be looked at like a perv.
As a result, many guys give false answers to such questions about porn. "Do you watch porn? Woa porn..umm...no not at all. I stand by my answer, please check off no."
But what about surveys you fill out in the mail? Very low response rate (meaning the results it gathers doesn't paint an accurate picture) and, again, very few want others knowing they checked off YES to porn.
The real percentage of men out there that probably doesn't view any porn or erotica or any materials is likely less than 5% (at best). And those in the 5% are likely the very, very, very religious-types and/or those unable to obtain porn due to economic factors (i.e. lack of internet connectivity/computer access).
P.S. In terms of boobs? Most guys tend to prefer ample-sized ones to surf-board flat ones. But there's variation. Each guy out there is attracted more to certain parts of a women's body than others. Some prefer nice hips/legs/ass to upper body curves while the opposite is also true. All depends.
Sorry if this was too blunt.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 September 2010):
@ male anon:
Congrats! I read in a survey of some 500 women once that on average their attraction to men dropped by 20% when they knew he watched porn. So you just automatically made yourself way more attractive, as well as opened the dating pool to include slightly over half of the female population (over half of women hate porn and don't want it in their relationships).
OP:
It's absolutely not your fault. Many men and women are both being taught nowadays what sex is from porn. There's no such thing as telling fantasy from reality, what we see is reality. I once heard someone say (I think it must be true) that since over 90% of teens aged 8-16 have watched porn, and since even vanilla porn ends by cumning on a girl's face, we have this whole generation of kids who are going to grow up thinking great sex ends with a money shot to the face. Since so many people are only taught about sex from porn (I partially blame our schools and sexual repression), we're bound to grow up with some weird ideas about how to please each other and have healthy sexual relationships. It's absolutely not your fault.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 September 2010):
"30% of men don't watch porn? Haha yeah that's what they would answer if they knew their girlfriends were standing behind them. Honestly, maybe 3% of men don't watch porn regularly so I'm afraid the chances are rather slim."
Yeah.. It's your word against every single porn survey ever conducted by a reputable group or university.
Don't listen to the guys who tell you that every guy watches porn, because it's not even close to true. The guys who say that only say it to insist that what they do can't possibly be wrong or hurtful because every guy does it. Every guy doesn't. Not even close.
"How can a guy get off on making a girl almost gag while pulling their hair? And why is this so acceptable and cool and "all guys do it stop being such a prude"?"
Because we live in a society that eroticizes hurting women and women's pain. The vast majority of porn is incredibly degrading to women. There is a lot of literature on the subject, and in the post I linked you to below we have a LONG discussion about how and why most porn is degrading. If you can't tolerate porn, don't. Don't be with a guy who uses it. They're hard to find, but they definitely exist, and in much larger numbers than a lot of guys will tell you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I'm the Op,
Ok so I'm the one to blame, he did nothing wrong, blah blah blah. Yeah, maybe I should've spoke up, but he was my first boyfriend and I was afraid of losing him, please be more empathetic. Also, why do men even THINK that what they see in porn is actually pleasurable for women in real life? You see, being naive can go both ways. I was naive. But so are many guys who think that just because the bimbo on screen is seemingly screaming with pleasure, then for a real woman it will be pleasurable too. I thought guys were able to tell fantasy from reality? Geez =/
And he was a very nice guy, actually outside the bedroom he was very romantic, I fell in love with him because he was nice, quiet, intelligent, well read and had a lot in common with me, he was cute too, but not the "hot, bad guy" type of guy, you know the one that actually ignores women, who rides bikes, all that. My ex was really sweet outside the bedroom, not the "bad guy" type at all.
I don't think this was all my fault, thank you very much, neither because I didn't speak up nor because I chose the wrong kind of guy. It's not always the girl's fault, you know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): 30% of men don't watch porn? Haha yeah that's what they would answer if they knew their girlfriends were standing behind them. Honestly, maybe 3% of men don't watch porn regularly so I'm afraid the chances are rather slim.
As for the sex being like something out of a porno, well you just have yourself to blame for that one I'm afraid. If you think about it then it's nothing strange about it. He watches a lot of porn, the girls in the porn always seem to enjoy all the moves (hair pulling etc), he tried it on you, you seemed to enjoy all that stuff as well (you didn't say that you didn't like it), thus he will keep going with these moves. Guys aren't mind readers, if you never say anything how is he to know what you really want?
Being up for it all and never complaining (but secretly disliking most of it) is such a 'young girl' thing to do, you think that you're pleasing your guy but in reality most of us just end up feeling betrayed when you've had us doing the same moves forever and THEN say that you don't like it way further down the path.
Haha trust me that one set me back years! I went through my teens and early twenties thinking I rocked in bed. Only to be told by a mature woman at if I pulled her hair again she'd give me such a slap! Huh? I thought girls liked that? All my other girlfriend had liked it? Errhh what do you mean I should stop learning moves from porn?
You see where this is going?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Hi, I'm the OP,
What I don't get is how guys can get off to this, I mean, my ex used to get porn from sites such as Redtube, Youjizz, I don't know, which if you have a look have offensive titles, and generally it's all really male centered in like 95% of the cases. How can a guy get off on making a girl almost gag while pulling their hair? And why is this so acceptable and cool and "all guys do it stop being such a prude"?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): I hate hearing things like this. I agree with you, guys who watch the nastiest stuff and then try to recreate that in real life... there's something wrong with them. I don't believe things like anal, gang bangs, rape, humiliation, etc., should be watched at all, let alone lived out.But maybe the question is why girls go for these types of guys in the first place. Considerate guys who would prefer love-making to porn-style sex and who would never dream of forcing anything on a girl never get much interest from them. Why is that? Maybe give nice guys a chance for once, so you won't end up back in the same situation. Don't just go for the hot bad boy, get a sense of his values. If you're always giving and he's always receiving, there's something wrong.And no, NOT all guys prefer big boobs. Small ones are much more beautiful and elegant. Big ones can even be a turn-off. A-cups rule!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 September 2010):
First I will tell you not all guys watch porn (around 30% don't) so you won't HAVE to tolerate it. The second thing I will do is link you to this post where pretty much all those issues are covered from both sides.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (19 September 2010):
 You were just UNlucky. I think there are a load of guys out there who have a ton more respect for their girlfriends than I think your ex had. He used you like a doll - to recreate what he'd seen. OK, it turned him on, and kind of turned you on (apart from the pain/discomfort/etc. - yes - in the nose hurts!) - but it wasn't the kind of bonding, in tune, loved-up sex that one can have. And I can tell you that it sounds like flashy, meaningless, 'aren't i/we cool?' type of sex - not the sort where just being in someone's precincts turns you on.
He was rough, blunt, selfish and arrogant in the sack - that's all there is too it. It was like enhanced, 3D masturbation for him. I'm sorry to say that, but I think it's the case. You will - without A DOUBT - find someone else who is totally different to him. But be careful about the choice, because having once had such an influential sort of boyfriend, you might end up cruising towards similar types just out of familiarity. DON'T. If something about someone reminds you of your ex - run a mile. You need a different type. An intelligent guy who is also intelligent and feeling in bed. And - crucially - someone who loves and cherishes you.
There must be so many out there who would. Let's hope your ex was the exception.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 September 2010):
You were just lucky. I think there are a load of guys out there who have a ton more respect for their girlfriends than I think your ex had. He used you like a doll - to recreate what he'd seen. OK, it turned him on, and kind of turned you on (apart from the pain/discomfort/etc. - yes - in the nose hurts!) - but it wasn't the kind of bonding, in tune, loved-up sex that one can have. And I can tell you that it sounds like flashy, meaningless, 'aren't i/we cool?' type of sex - not the sort where just being in someone's precincts turns you on.
He was rough, blunt, selfish and arrogant in the sack - that's all there is too it. It was like enhanced, 3D masturbation for him. I'm sorry to say that, but I think it's the case. You will - without A DOUBT - find someone else who is totally different to him. But be careful about the choice, because having once had such an influential sort of boyfriend, you might end up cruising towards similar types just out of familiarity. DON'T. If something about someone reminds you of your ex - run a mile. You need a different type. An intelligent guy who is also intelligent and feeling in bed. And - crucially - someone who loves and cherishes you.
There must be so many out there who would. Let's hope your ex was the exception.
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