A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my bf went to court to finalize his divorce recently, which he initiated, no kids involved, and then after the court hearing - they went out to eat. I was a little surprised I guess and admittedly a little upset. Not sure why but I think because he didn't offer this info on his own but I asked if he had lunch and then he told me. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I dont' think it would if he invited me to family events (dating 7 months now) because his divorce wasn't final he didn't want to stir things up by bringing me, she is always still at his parents, sleeping over, eating over and I have yet to meet them. These things bother me and I'm hoping now the divorce is "final" things will change but he mentioned a friend of a friend died and "he" would be going to the wake. I take it as she may go too so he doesn't ask me to attend with him. WIll it ever end? Will he ever consider them "not married" and include me?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (16 January 2009):
 It sounds like his soon to be ex-wife is close to his family and apparrently on a good friends status with your boyfriend. Sometimes in a divorce people do tend to reamin friends but ehe manner in which they procede to be involved can be very upsetting and stressful for the third party. There is always a chance that they still are in love with one another or perhaps at least one of the party is.
His lack of time and attention along with poor communication with you about his current situation is making you a nervous wreck. It is also making you feel undervalued as a girlfriend which is giving you thoughts that you are an outsider. I suggest that you have a talk with him and let him now how you feel about all of this. I am guessing that you have pretty much gone along with anything that he has done about this situation. I know how hard it can be to have a sitatuion like this. You have got to stand up for yourself hon. If you have allowed this type of behavoir in the past, he is going to most likely keep doing just like he does. It may not be because he doesn't care but because you ALLOWED it and he now thinks you are OK with it!
Sit him down and have a heart to heart talk. Tell him it bothers you that he seems to put you last in everthing. Let him know that his realationship with her shouldn't mean they should hang out and that you should be omiited from his life in the meantime. If you don't tell him, he has no way of knowning how much it really bothers you. Once you tell him, be prepared, he may decide it's not worth persuing you anymore but then again he may decide on working on a change in the realationship he has with both of you. Giving you more time and attention and her less.
When you take a stand, you have got to be strong enough to back it up. You do deserve to have a man whose time, attention and affection is not being divided between you and HIS EX! If he doesn't see why you are hurt and try understanding, thereby giving you full attention and adaquate care then you perhaps need to reconsider this relationship entirely. If you stay in a realationship with someone who puts his ex before you constantly, chances are you will never get to the #1 spot in his life. He either is being manipulated into staying close to her, or he is doing it because he still has feelings for her. If it was just a friendship thing it's not highly likely that he would be with her so much and not bringing you around family for her sake.
I have a feeling that he may care about you but he may not be ready for a real serious relationship at this point. Somtimes divorce brings along some feelings that you don't want anything serious with anyone else. Sometimes it's because you have been to hurt to try again. Sometimes it's because you still love the ex. In your case it does seem as though your boyfriend has some mixed emotions and he isn't putting you first. You have got to get him to open up in coversaton and try finding out what he is really thinking here. It's only fair to you, especially after 9 months that you should know what his intentions are.
If you don't get a clear answer and even if you do it may not be what you want to hear. Whatever answer you get though you will be faced with making a decision. If it means that you have to break things off, you will be better off than left sitting on sidelines and wasting your life away waiting on a man who doens't really seem certain about what he really wants. This uncertainly is eating away at your self-esteem and is making you uneasy and sad. Everyone deserves to have someone who loves and cares for them enought to put them 1st.
If you do decide to stay you will probably go thru this kind of situational lifestyle for as long as you stay in it. Sometimes things change and change in a person can happen as well, but without HIS wanting to and HIS active participation in THIS relationship it will never happen. So either he has to give up the ex and be with you or give you up because you can't stand by you and let her go. I know I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. I have been there before. Loving a man who was with me and thought he was in love with an ex. It caused us to break up, and yet after I left he was always calling and never failed to seek me out in a crowd when I was around. The break up only lasted a few weeks but my heart was broken. I never understood why he thought that it was best that I leave and yet still persued me. The fact is sometimes one's heart keeps longing but when all is done ....what was it really longing for?
Search your HEART and make sure that HE is really what you want in your life. Ask yourself if you can contend with the ex in case it never ends. Think about what you have missed in the last. months and if what you've suffered is worth loving him. Know that if she is close to his parents, that SHE most likely WILL be around sooner or later and you are going to run into her. You are going to have alot to deal with, so unless you are a really STRONG person and forgiving as well you may not be able to deal with everything. Don't let your feelings for this man take away your dignity, self_respect, or your chance of finding TRUE LOVE. Right now HE obviously isn't capable of being what you want or need. The choice here is yours and only you know how you feel deep inside. Take all things into consideration and take heed that things may NEVER CHANGE. Have that talk with him and when you get your answers PRAY ABOUT IT AND GOD WILL HELP YOU FROM THERE.
MY BEST TO YOU. I PRAY THAT HE COMES THRU FOR YOU AND UNDERSTANDS THAT NOW IS THE TIME TO LET HER GO. IF HE DOESN'T THEN JUST BELIEVE IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE AND THAT GOD HAS SOMEONE WAITING JUST FOR YOU!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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