A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone....I'm a bit lost and confused and could use an outside perspective to try to see things more clearly. Sorry if it's a bit long!!My boyfriend of a year is the best! He's lovely and perfect and treats me like a princess. However, one night in our first month of dating he said he was going to come online to chat to me but when I signed on he wasn't there. I texted him and he said he was going out with his best friend and would be in to chat to me in an hour (this was at 8.30pm). I was fine with that and didn't send him any more messages so as not to disturb his time with his friends. Any way I sat online waiting for him and he didn't come in until 1am with no explanation of where he'd been - he didn't sound drunk or anything when he called me to say goodnight. Anyway the next day on webcam I asked him where he'd been on his night out - he looked at me completely blankly and said he'd not been out last night - he'd been online with me talking. Ever since then he has stated that he 100% cannot remember going out that night and where we live we have a nights out website with pictures of every club each weekend (his friend is on lots of pictures - but he's not there). I just can't shake the feeling that he's pretending he doesn't know where he was and that he actually went out with another girl or cheated.On top of this a few months later he got a facebook add from a random girl abroad - he made a big show of deleting it in front of me. However, a couple of days later I logged online and saw he'd google searched her (we have that "remember your searches" feature) - he completely denied ever looking. When he finally did admit searching for her he said it was just curiosity about who she was and he can't explain why he felt the need to look for another girl online behind my back - surely if he was so curious he could have looked when he got the email while I was there.These two things happened around 9 months ago but I can't get rid of the doubt in my head. Am I wrong to doubt him so much? And if so, how do I get over it? Or am I justified in thinking if he can lie about small things then he can lie about big things (like cheating) in the future?ThanksK xxPs: Just a bit of background to my insecurities - my last ex lived with me in university halls (same dorm) - he was on and off with me for two years and I never knew why. I finally got sick of it and cut all ties with him when I moved home only for his sister to email me saying how cruel I was to ditch him when he'd been so much. What he'd failed to tell me in 2 years is that he had a 3 year old daughter, an ex fiancee in prison and he was a schizophrenic....so that's kinda why I don't know whether my issues with my new boyfriend are MY issues carried over my exes lies or if he really is not helping by lying and then yelling at me if I ask him why he lied.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Since this incident happened the first month of your relationship and he's been so nice since then, I would let it go. If you had continued to see this type of behavior then I would certainly question it, but it sounds like he's been a really good boyfriend. As far as the facebook thing, he's probably telling the truth about it. He was curious to see who the girl was and was afraid you would be mad if he did it in front of you. Lying is never good and he shouldn't have done it. Just keep your eyes open for future signs of dishonesty, but try not to be too paranoid due to your past experience.
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