A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for about four months. The situation started as roommates and it transitioned from there. This is usually the sweetest most loving relationship I've ever been in with the exception of his jealousy. I still am friends with an ex but we do not see each other and we are strictly friends. Also, I have a guy friend who has an attraction to me but who I would never be attracted to. He is extremely jealous if he even thinks I have been talking to either of these people to the point where he is very irrational. He grabs my phone etc, starts going through the messages. He tells me to leave and says horrible insulting things. I have not been very trustworthy in past relationships. Also, before we were really "together" but becoming involved something very negative did happen and he suspects the worse. He was also traumatized at a impressionable age by his dad having an affair so he is sensitive to cheating issues. I certainly have no desire to be with anyone else or hurt him and I haven't been. I have tried to talk about it with him and he says that he will be jealous as long as I have exes and guys who like me around. These people pose no threat to the relationship and have been my friends for years. I feel like this is borderline controlling and going towards abusive but I do love him... I feel like his past family history and knowledge of my past can justify it sometimes. Is he only going to get worse?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 I highly recommend this book about jealousy, it really helped me understand what was going on when I became jealous:
http://www.amazon.com/Dangerous-Passion-Jealousy-Necessary-Love/dp/0684850818/
You might even try reading it together and discussing it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question. It has been very helpful. I agree he is using "emotional blackmail" and that is a very good term for it. I am going to try to work it out and hope that he's just temporarily overwhelmed right now with emotion. If I continue to see this extreme jealousy or any abuse, I will get out right away. I believe I have worked hard to change my behavior patterns because I want a real relationship. He needs to believe and trust in that.
Just as a side note, I was dating his friend before we moved in and that's how we we knew each other. We were friends before all of this but didn't realize how much we liked each other. Right around the time I moved in I had a falling out with his friend and things started from there. so there wasn't really much time to get comfortable or familiar. It has all happened very quickly.
Thank you again for your sincere and honest advice :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Oh dear, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Put a man with jealousy and trust issues together with a woman who has been 'untrustworthy' (does that mean unfaithful?) in the past, and there is going to be conflict.
It sounds like you do not want to lose your ex and the other guy as friends. I could understand having a great deal of concern about your closeness to these men on your boyfriend's part, but I do not like the way he's handling the issue. I really really don't like this description: "He is extremely jealous if he even thinks I have been talking to either of these people to the point where he is very irrational. He grabs my phone etc, starts going through the messages. He tells me to leave and says horrible insulting things." And this is from the sweetest most loving relationship you've had? Not good, this is verbal abuse. Telling you to leave is emotional blackmail and immature.
Look, I think that if this relationship has any hope of surviving, you two need to get into couples counseling. He needs to deal with his feelings of jealousy and distrust and keep the past out of the future, and you need to figure out why you've been 'untrustworthy' in the past, so that you don't repeat the same behavior pattern. This cycle that you're on is going to continue to get worse until you confront the issues and get some help dealing with them.
I have to ask you to reflect on why you two think you're really compatible, is it possible that proximity, rather than real respect and understanding, drew you together? If you're roommates, you see each other every day, and it's easy to fall into things that seem comfortable and familiar. Just food for thought.
I don't think he's going to get better in this behavior, of mistrust and jealousy and verbal abuse, and you might find yourself driven by anger and resentment into a situation where you might be 'untrustworthy' again. You have to confront the issues and change the patterns.
Good luck.
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