A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year, he's 54 and I'm 52. He's been separated 6 years and me 8. We get on great, laugh a lot, go out often etc and have met some members of each other's family and friends. In the first few months he told me he loved me and I reciprocated as I'd already fallen in love with him. Recently when we were chatting he said he isn't sure how he feels and I am so incredibly hurt. His wife ended the relationship and I've always known he has been bitter and revengeful. He says it's not against her but the situation she put him in, having to leave his children and unable to rent his own place. He says he is extremely fond of me and I'm very important in his life but he's not sure he can ever give anyone his all like he did initially with his wife. He admits he finds it difficult to move on. I don't know what to do. I can't work out whether he is waiting for me to end the relationship or seeing if I hang on in there. He said whilst his children are under 18 and his ex lives in the marital home they own, he can't commit to me until all this is sorted. I have almost ended it a couple of times and he has said I don't want you to, can't we just enjoy what we have as its great and see what happens. The thought of losing him is unbearable but equally I don't want to get hurt or be in a one sided relationship. Like most men he isn't great at expressing himself and I know I cause him upset when I have a meltdown over the situation. I have suggested that We split until his situation is sorted (1.5 years) he said its up to me but he doesn't want that. I've tried to be understanding and supportive. He knows I want more but I have said although I do, ie moving in together, above all I want him to feel the same as I do but obviously I can't control his feelings. I truly believe he is over his ex and the issues are with the children and house etc. We have spoken about it loads over the past year. I really don't know what to do for the best. Do we have a future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): I think the key word is "separated" here. It sounds like he hasn't recovered from the break up even after all this time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): I have found separated guys I have dated have always pursued harder. They have been so attentive, so giving and things seem to fall into place so quickly. My theory is that they may be trying to replace what they have lost and do not like the uncertainty of being alone for the first time in years.I have found as soon as they begin to feel stronger or move on and start to feel like that chapter with their ex is coming to a close you may then become the person who reminds them of their past and the "Old them." They seem to then want to distance themselves from all the bad stuff and start afresh. I find this common when talking to friends who have dated separated men too.If we look at it logically, a man who has been left by his wife needs time to grieve her absence and process the devastation and loss. He then needs time to rediscover himself as "not" part of her life. With the loss of a marriage he loses his status of husband, his home life, everything. There is no familiarity around him at home. With all these emotions to work through, its not a stable setting for a new relationship to grow and flourish. If he then replaces his ex before he is ready to, how does he ever know how he feels or how the loss has affected him if he is suddenly giving his energy to a new relationship. The cracks and uncertainty soon appear....And here you are with this time invested in him feeling rejected and hurt by a man who now feels unsure about things. My advice is to cut your losses. It will hurt like hell but the end is nigh anyway. If you choose not to it will be a long drawn out process of more pain. I look back and see things so clearly now. I was dating guys who were grieving. I don't even take it personally as now I am just relieved to be out of these situations. You need to make that decision and start your own life again. This is now about you not him. You know what you need to do. Be strong. There's better out there for you....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (10 August 2016):
 Guys are quite content to "live" in that never-never land where we don't QUITE commit to a lady.... but we don't QUITE ever sever ties with her......
Women are sometimes content with such a situation (It "sounds" as if you are.....).... but you choose not to realize that this arrangement is all one-sided.... TO HIS ADVANTAGE!!!
My suggestion: Take a weekend by yourself... or, with a treasured girlfriend.... and think long and hard if you want to be this guy's "fallback" girl. If "yes," then keep on as things are... and wait for the despair to happen, later.... If "no," then tell this guy to either fish or cut bait... but don't ask YOU to go fishing any more....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 August 2016):
 My advice? Cut your losses and run. I suspect his issues are not with his ex (as you also realize) but with you. You were there for him when he needed someone after she dumped him but now that he is stronger, he no longer needs you. Sorry if that sounds brutal but I have been there and got the t-shirt.I got together with a bloke years ago after his wife hooked up with my boyfriend (so we effectively swapped partners). He was really "into" me at first, but then, after the initial shock and hurt had worn off, he started saying things like "I will never love anyone again" and singing "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you . . . " I was with him about 12 months as he slowly eroded away my self esteem. One day I woke up and thought "Do you know what? I am worth more than this." I dumped him that day and then guess what? I got numerous messages from him, telling me how much he loved me. Sadly too little too late - I had already moved on mentally and never looked back. Do yourself a favour and get yourself someone who is into you as much as you are into them. His children are the excuse at the moment but mark my words, he will always be an excuse for him not to commit to you. You are obviously not happy with being treated this shabbily, otherwise you would not have posted on here. You are worth more.
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