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age
36-40,
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writes: I will try to make this as short as possible. I met my BF, we'll call him Ami, when I was 17 and he was 24. I moved in the middle of my senior year to a totally different state and had to leave all of my friends and family. I gained a new group of friends through a girl at school. They were all the same age and had gone to school together. I met Ami when I met the rest of them, there are six guys in total. I dated a guy, Joe, for about six months. I had met him at a party. He was good to me, but the same age as I was and not too mature. I had been friends with Ami for a little over a year. he knew I was dating Joe, but told me that he liked me. Ami was not the type of guy I went for. He was markedly older and kind of shy and quiet, not to mention could be quite an ass. One night he kissed me, while I was still with Joe. He said "I like you and I hate you for it." For some reason that touched me. He told me that he knew I was going off to college and he didn't want to hold me back, but he wanted to see where we could go. Now, our mutual friend Mo had a lot to do with this. He told Ami I liked him and me that Ami liked me. Well, Ami had a history with a woman he had known since high school, Scarlet. He had been sleeping with her off and on for close to 7 years. At the time that I net him up until we got together it was common knowledge that every Saturday Ami and Scarlet got a room together. Now, it becomes important to mention that Ami was not born in the US. He was born in Europe and moved here when he was 8. It is also important to mention that until the age of 27 he lived at home with his parents. His father still owns a business over-seas and spends about 6 months a year in Europe. Ami and his father run two businesses here in the US as well, one owned soley by Ami and the other by him and his parents both. The mutually owned business is crucial for the success of the one owned my Ami only.So, I told Ami that in order for me to even think about trying to be with him, he needed to no longer be sleeping with Scarlet. At the time I had been with only on person and felt that sex was somewhat sacred. I was 18, but fairly naive for my age. He told me that he had stopped sleeping with her weeks before. So, I broke up with Joe and started dating Ami. Ami continued to see Scarlet, with my blessing. I didn't expect him to just abandon his friend, and I was naive enough to believe that he could see a woman he had slept with every Saturday for years and keep it platonic. Off and on for our first year we had problems. I was jealous of Scarlet and a little worried about the relationship they still had. He assured me there was nothing going on. They continued to get dinner together. One night in particular I waited for him for close to three hours to get done with a dinner with her. Ami's parents went out of town and he and I were able to stay together at his house. One morning I stayed to clean up and he went ahead to work. I told him I would meet him there in a few hours. When I showed up to his work there was a strange car there. I didn't know who it was, assumed it was a customer and went in. It was Scarlet. She saw me, and he greeted me as "baby." She began to cry, asked him how he could do this to her, and ran out. She slammed to door behind her. He told me he used me to get rid of her and that she couldn't take a hint. I don't think she would have reacted that way unless they were still sleeping together. The rest of the day he was very upset that she would not want to be friends anymore. Soon after that i checked his phone when it went off at the hotel. I had taken her Saturday spot at the hotel. He was in the shower and got a text from her. When I looked at his pictures he had several of her breasts. I have very small ones and he is a fan of large ones, hers are large. I confronted him, he said it was just pictures. I believed him and I dropped it. After that there was a picture of his privates with a text of "Lets go see Scarlet says Mr.Johnson." she had typed across it. Again I cried and again he said it was nothing. I started to check his phone on a regular basis. He went to see his father for three weeks. I had just started college and worried about his fidelity. he had told me many times about women that worked for his father and how pretty they were. He came home and said nothing had happened. I found out my dad was sick with cancer. I soon became depressed and dropped out of school. I had been going to school about two hours from home and had been driving back and fourth every weekend to see Ami. I moved home in about March. He was not happy I was coming home. Worried about me not going back to school. We spent a lot of time together, but things continued to come up that looked very bad for him. In August of that year things came to a head. Things had been going downhill for awhile. I was unemployed and had gained weight. I was depressed and worried about my sick father. Ami texted me one day and said he wanted to break up. He said that he didn't want to do this anymore and that he was just done. He wouldn't answer my phone call, stating that I talk too well and it was an even field while texting. He told me that he hadn't loved me since June and that he could love me fat, or useless, but not both. Soon after getting off the phone with Ami, I got news that I had gotten a job that I applied for. I had been jobless for close to 6 months. I was excited and called Ami to tell him the news. Rather than ignore the call, he answered and then hung up. I had just a few seconds to hear a female voice in the background. It was a Wednesday night at close to 11. He only has one female friend, Scarlet. I texted him that night and told him that I needed to come by his work to pick some things up. When I got there that afternoon he wouldn't even look at me. I cried and begged him to talk to me, but he told me to get the F*** out and that he didn't want anything to do with me. I was demolished. He had thrown my things in a plastic bag and left them outside. So he broke our almost 1.5 year relationship off over texting. The next day he texted me and said that I had left something at his work. I stopped by after work to get it. I found him sitting on his couch looking sad. I asked him if he was ok. He proceeded to tell me that he missed me and that he didn't want things to end like this. So, we talked for a long time. We both voiced problems that we had with one another. I told him that in order for me to come back, he had to get rid of Scarlet for good. It wasn't a healthy relationship. He knew he didn't want to be with her, but he kept sleeping with her and leading her on. He also couldn't seem to see her and not sleep with her, and as long as she was around he and I had no chance. He agreed and promised to get rid of her. I was told to lose weight and that one day I had to get my breasts done. Soon after he and I got back together he called Scarlet and ended things. He told me that he told her he wanted to have a chance at a normal relationship and wanted her to move on. He promised me he wouldn't talk to her or see her anymore. Two days after that I was checking his email. I wanted to make sure she didn't bother him. I tried to be kind to her and emailed her as him. I told her she deserved better and tried to make her feel better. In the course of emailing her I found out that my Dad had just died. Ten minutes later I found out that Ami and Scarlet had been sleeping together for the past three months, and that the night he broke up with me he was with her as well. I didn't have time to deal with it and had to go back to my hometown to bury my Dad. While there I confronted Ami over the phone and told him that I knew about it. He said he didn't regret it and that he knew he wanted to be with me now. i decided I had already lost one man that i loved and that I didn't want to lose him. I told him that we would talk when I got home, but that I loved him and wanted to be with him. When I got back we talked about it and he said it wouldn't happen again. We tried to make things work. We went out of town for a weekend and had a great time. On the way back we talked about marriage and kids. I thought we were finally back on track. That was on Sunday. That Monday I had to go see him at work. When I got there I knew there was a problem. He was cold and distant. I had met his parents, at my own insistence on New Years that year. They had not been impressed by me. It turned out that Sunday evening when he got home, his parents informed him that if he continued to see me, they would no longer help him with the business or be business partners. Ami had been working for this since he was 16, and needed their money to keep his new business moving. He was forced to choose and chose the business. I cried. he told me that if he loved me like he used to, he would fight harder, but that with things like they were, he was going with what he started first. He still wanted to be friends, I needed to think about it. I loved him a lot and didn't know that I could do it. We had all the same friends, so in the end I chose to remain friends. He and I continued to sleep together off and on. He made it clear that it was just sex and that he wanted to date thinner, prettier women. I am 5'10" and at the time was pushing 285. I feel the need to add that Scarlet is shorter and heavier, but with triple Ds. We slept together one night at the end of October. After I tried to talk to him about us maybe getting together again and making it work, keeping it from his parents. Ami, at 5'11" and close to 275 himself said "I want to marry a girl I can pick up and carry over the threshold when I marry her. That's not you." This only about ten minutes after having sex with me. That was the final straw for me. I moved about a week later. I only moved about an hour away. I stopped seeing all of our mutual friends as well as Ami. I talked to Ami through texting some, but that was it. We had been offically broken up about a month and a half. A week after my move I called Ami to tell him that I no longer wanted to talk to him. He cried and told me he stll loved me and that one day he would come find me. That breaking up with me was his biggest mistake and that he would make it up to me. I told him i still loved him, but it hurt too much to talk to him. I hung up and cried most of the night. I stopped eating and started drinking. I didn't talk to Ami for months. On New Years I started again. i struggled a lot with missing him. He was on dating sites and going out a lot. It hurt to hear, but it was good to talk to him. I hadn't seen him in five months. I had lost about seventy pounds. I went on a trip with a mutual friend, Mo. He told me that Ami was depressed and that he missed me. That he had been drinking himself. I came back from my weekend trip to find my roommates gone. I had nowhere to go. Ami invited me to come stay the night on his couch. I hadn't seen him in months,but I had no choice. That night he told me how much he had missed me. He told me how proud he was of me for moving forward and losing weight for myself. He told me he loved me and that he didn't care what his parents said. He wanted to be with me. That night he picked me up and carried me up the stairs. That was May 2008. SO we got back together unofficially. I moved in with a friend from college. He and I saw one another every weekend. I moved home in August. I found out that he had been talking to a woman he had met when he went overseas the last time, when he and I started dating. He had been talking to her since he and I broke up. I also found out that a month after we broke up he started sleeping with Scarlet again. He claimed that he wasn't seeing her now. He also said that the woman overseas, Mic, was a decoy now. That she kept his parents off his back. I found out he was going back overseas two days after my 21st birthday in the end of July. He told me that he was going with Mic as her date to a wedding. I was concerned, but he swore he wouldn't touch her. Only a month and a half after we got back together he told me he slept with Scarlet again. He volunteered the information and told me that he was sorry and didn't ever want to do it again. He claimed a weak moment. So he went overseas. While there for three weeks I got only two emails. He didn't talk to me at all other than that. The night he got back I was supposed to go see him, when I was half way there he told me not to bother. He said he was tired from the trip. I told him I just wanted to see him and I didn't care if we just slept. When I got there I barely got a peck on the cheek. He went to sleep and didn't even cuddle with me in bed. That night I couldn't sleep and got on the computer. I found several pictured of him and Mic in his email account with pictures of me. This suggested they were not where his parents could see them, since he was not supposed to be seeing me. Several were of them holding hands and smiling. In one she was sitting in his lap with his head resting on her breasts. The next morning I helped him unpack. I set his hairbrush on the kitchen counter when something got caught on my hair tie. It was a long blonde hair that was not mine. I looked at the brush and it was full of them. I cried and felt this was pretty solid proof. I asked him about it. He said that Mic stayed across the hall in his father's hotel and they shared a bathroom. He said that she must have used his brush at some point. I bought it. I believed him. He was so genuine. This was about three months ago. He's still talking to both Mic and Scarlet. Scarlet's mother just died and he says he's not seeing her, but he can't just abandon her. He also told me that he will go back to Europe in the spring. He says to see his father. I told him that its killing me that he still talks to Scarlet. He promised to get rid of her as soon as he can. He says that he's human and its just not that easy to abandon someone. Ami tells me that he loves me and that one day he wants to marry me. He swears he's not sleeping with Scarlet and didn't sleep with Mic. When we talk about it he can't look me in the eye. He says it just makes him uncomfortable and that I need to trust him. He says that he wouldn't keep me around and risk everything if his parents catch us if he didn't love me. My question is; should I stay with him and wait it out since I love him and want to believe him and have no proof he's cheating? Should I believe that he really is trying to change and that one day he'll marry me like he says? Should I leave him because he acts like there is more going on and he has a history of cheating? Help...what should I do? Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): I have always been responsible for what happens. Advice from strangers gives me another perspective, but I most assuredly don't allow my life to be dictated by the advice on a forum. I respect and am grateful to all of you for your insight...for giving me more to think about. I've read the links that have been sent to me, and considered the health and possible abusive nature of my relationship. I have also come to understand, that any woman who is with a man she loves, who loves her in return and has shown great change and been trustworthy...would give him another chance. Maybe his last chance will last only days more than the 7 months its been, maybe it will last 50 years. Either way, I have made a decision to stick with him and have a little faith. Things you don't know about the situation do make a difference, and they can't all be spoken about on here. My mother, although always the one who is left by her man, is also the one who gives up first. Ami has not always been perfect, but our situation now dictates that i trust him to be honest. I feel confident that Scarlet is a problem of the past and the European girl is in fact a decoy. He's not going this year, which is all that I have asked of him. It seems to me that if he was hot out to go see her, he'd find an excuse. We'll see. This is the path I choose. Happiness makes up for in height, that which it is lacking in length.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): You have read what everybody else here has said and now the future is up to you. If you decide not to follow the advice which has been given to you then you are responsible of the things that are yet to come. Has 1 month made a difference in Ami's life, is it enough long time to tell that he is a changed man? Is he grown up? May be he is "nice" to you to get sex from you? Or may be he is "nice" because he wants to hide something from you? Ami has followed his father's footprints and you follow your mom's.
Good luck in whatever you have chosen, the future is in your hands-whether good or bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Yes, my family knows everything about Ami. They also know everything about me. He is not the same man that he once was. I think the situation has forced him to make decision about me, as well as himself. His previous behavior had him set up for nothing but being miserable. When push comes to shove, Scarlet is not a woman he wants to marry. There is a reason they have only ever been lovers and never anything more. Ami has shown me that he can be faithful. i am still struggling with the past and am loking for counselors now. He has agreed to come with me. I'm not happy with myself. How can I ever expect for somone else to do for me what i can not do for myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): Have you told everything to your family about Ami? Does your family know about him sleeping with Scarlet? Do they know the whole truth? Maybe you have not told everything to your family, and since they don't know everything they think he's nice???
Would your family still like him if they would know about his sexual addiction, and his abusive behavior towards you??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I am glad that you have understood IT IS NOT HEALTHY. You are intelligent, beautiful,caring, smart woman and successful. Yet, your past childhood experiences keep you with Ami. You are like your mother-dependent. Perhaps since you have strong sexual ties with him you maybe cannot imagine being with somebody else in the future. Sex and Ami's abusive behavior stop you from leaving him and being healthy loving woman to yourself.
I think you "like" Ami because he says sweet words etc. You depend on his attention and the words he says, like you love him because he "loves" you. And if he would not "love" you or not say nice things to you then you would be very very sad. YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH SELF-ESTEEM. Healthy people are best friends for themselves, they are one/whole with themselves. Healthy people do not need other people's attention, they do not need to hear good things from others-BECAUSE THEY ARE GOOD FOR THEMSELVES. Like the instance where Ami said YOU ARE FAT ETC, it made you feel miserable, right? A mature person would not make another person feel bad about their appearance, a mature person would not want to be with a person who says bad things about yourself, a mature person would not stay with a person who has disregarded their TRUST TIME TO TIME AND CHEATED WHILE STILL "DATING" YOU.
Did you and Ami made a deal that HE CAN SLEEP WITH SCARLET AND ALSO WITH YOU AT THE SAME TIME? I think not.
Also you said that at first Ami wasn't the guy you would like to be with: "Ami was not the type of guy I went for. He was markedly older and kind of shy and quiet, not to mention could be quite an ass."
What made him an ass? That says that he was not nice to you from day one. DAY ONE STARTED WHEN YOU WERE STILL "FRIENDS". Also as he approached you when you were still dating Joe, it means he did not respect Joe since you were dating Joe.
Another thing that you wrote: "In August of that year things came to a head. Things had been going downhill for awhile. I was unemployed and had gained weight. I was depressed and worried about my sick father. Ami texted me one day and said he wanted to break up. He said that he didn't want to do this anymore and that he was just done. He wouldn't answer my phone call, stating that I talk too well and it was an even field while texting. He told me that he hadn't loved me since June and that he could love me fat, or useless, but not both."
When your father was sick, he should have supported you emotionally. Also TO LEAVE A WOMAN BECAUSE SHE HAS GAINED WEIGHT IS SICK. Imagine you would gain weight again, and since he has already left you once because of your weight struggles he can do it again.
You wrote here too: "Ami, at 5'11" and close to 275 himself said "I want to marry a girl I can pick up and carry over the threshold when I marry her. That's not you." This only about ten minutes after having sex with me. That was the final straw for me." And you want to be with this guy???
Another question-WHY HIS PARENTS ARE AGAINST YOU and AMI BEING TOGETHER? WOULD THEY RATHER LIKE SCARLET MORE? If you do stay with Ami, are you gonna HIDE YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FROM HIS PARENTS AND FAMILY? WOULD YOU HIDE YOUR FUTURE KIDS FROM HIS FAMILY?
What are the TRUE POSITIVES and NEGATIVES about AMI? What stops you from loving yourself?
I do believe counseling will help you see your situation from another perspective and see your situation from another person's ancle. It would be good for you. You should find a counsellor asap, somebody who has experiences in counseling people who have abusive relationships and people who have been abused before.
Starting over is not easy, but the journey of starting over as a healthy person is worth it. It will change you forever and make you the best person you can be for yourelf. You matter!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honesty. I know its not healthy...I at least have that down. i don't know that counseling will solve my problems.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Thank you for your honesty.Wow, reading your whole story makes me think you are addicted to abuse. You have been mistreated all your life and you accept it. And you are still accepting it. You call abuse in your life because you do not know any different.
In your original post you asked that does he leave all the other women and stay with you, No. He cannot stop cheating for good, he has grown up with being a cheater, he does not know any different. One day he might slip again and cheat. It does not mean that he will cheat on you with Scarlet, it can be any other sexually available woman. Just like you are used to having abuse in your daily life.
Many people who have been abused deny the problem, and paint their situation nice and also try to act the same way as the person who abused them or see themselves as worse than they really are.
You are young, beautiful and you have the chance to start again without heartache. But you gotta want it for yourself. You need a lot of counceling and support, you need to change yourself and your own behavior. Other wise you will end up with another abuser or the same abuser.
What is so amazing about Ami that any other man doesn't have? Make a list where you put all the positives and all the negatives about him and be objective, write how your brains say not how your heart. If you only follow your own heart then it will lead you to the wrong way.
There is help available for you and it is waiting for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe saddest part about this whole thing, is that Ami did treat me well from day one. When he and I first got together he treated me like a princess. I was the first girl he's really dated since his first love after high school. Ami has learned his particular flavor of relationship from his father, who has been leaving for six months out of the year since Ami was little. Recently Ami found out for sure that his father has been cheating on his mother. The reaction was one I did not expect from Ami, a past cheater. He seemed hurt...and sad. I think that maybe he never saw the gravity of his actions before that. Rather than talk to his father about it, he closed off about the issue and I'm sure it won't be spoken about again. I love my Ami...and I have come to see some things as of late.
Ami is a changed man these last few months. His behavior is completely different from before. He is involved with my family on a regular basis and treats me like a queen. He came over for the holidays and took me to a party with his friends on new years. My family loves him, even my Gran who didn't really like him before has warmed up to him. The thing is, the whole reason Ami's parents met me in the first place was that I pushed the issue in the past. He told me that they would not like me, specifically his mother would not like me. But, to make me happy he proudly br0ought me home to meet his parents. Ami is affecti8onate and tells me all the time how happy he is with me and how much he loves me. What I have come to see is that he has changed and moved on, while I have chosen to stay in the past, despite what I have said.
I have never admitted this, but in the past...when Ami cheated on me and I found out about it, i felt the need to balance the scales. I felt that if I did the same thing, I would hold no hostility toward him for his actions. Laying in bed the other night, Ami kissed me...and all i could see was him kissing Scarlet. I had visions of him sneaking around on Saturdays to see her...and the two of them giggling about it. I couldn't sleep that night. I thought back to my own indiscretions...and saw that I actually held my Ami somewhat responsible for them. My mother once told me that I'm not a cheater, but I try to give people every chance in the world. So, in some sick way...i mirrored his actions in an attempt to keep us equal.
Now, Ami is the true victim in all of this...and i think I feel guilty for it. through everything I have asked him for honesty, "At least have enough respect for me to be honest with me." I am a hypocrite of the worst class...this whole time that Ami has been trying to change and undo years of unhealthy coping skills, I have been lying to his face and doing worse things even then him. I preach honesty and yet I act like the lying whore that my behavior suggests.
I love Ami, and I know that if he knew all of this, he's be demolished. In all honesty...I don't think he slept with the European girl. I think I wanted to believe that he did...to make me feel better about what I had done. He hasn't cheated in the months since we've been together. He risks everything just to see me. My family loves him and he would do anything for me. I would never touch another man in my life if it was up to me...I would stay with Ami forever, but I don't think I deserve him now. I used to. I used to deserve a man who was good to me. I've been through so much...so much of my life I have been the victim; rape, something like 5 step dads, 14 different schools, losing family members, a sick baby brother, a dependent mother who has shared her affinity for bad decisions with me. an uncle who's in and out of jail, a father who comes into my life off and on after leaving when I was one...but rather than try to make something good of myself...I just followed right down the path that was easiest.
Ami did not deserve me after he cheated, but it was easier to cheat on him and stay than to go out in the world and find someone new. Now, I don't deserve him. You can't say anything to make me feel any more horrible than I already do. The funny thing is...again, we'll fall apart because of my actions. I don't get a happy ending because I won't choose one.
People say to keep my mouth shut, that telling him is selfish because it will only cause him pain and make me feel better. I'd rather be in pain than in the dark.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): You wrote "If Ami is around still in two or three years...Great...if not...then I'll have found a man who treats me well from day one."
Let me ask you-Did he treat you well from day one? Was he good to you? Loyal? Respectful?
What is good to you? Are you punishing yourself from the past mistakes you've done? Are you keeping him around because he is convenient? Does your family like him? If your family does not like him, then they do have a good reason not to.
Since Ami was the guy who broke your previous relationship, since he was the person who cheated on you multiple times, since he was not loyal to you, since he cannot be opened with his family and you about your relationship-To me it seems he was not good to you from day 1.
I think both of you are relationship addicts and he is sex addict as well. He has commitment issues, since he has problems with staying only with you. You on the other hand have unresolved issues from the past that you have not sorted out. I am sure something from your childhood made you to want to stay with Ami. May be your parents marriage broke down etc and now you are trying to save Ami's relationship-but he is not your parent or anybody from the past who you did not want to let go of. Or some other place where you learned that cheating is healthy?
I would be disgusted TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Imagine Your Ami is sleeping with the other woman-CAN YOU SEE THE PICTURE? Would you smile and say good Ami, I love you because you slept with Scarlett?
I strongly suggest you to read: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/01/24/the-abusive-and-semi-abusive-relationship/
You should read other posts and comments on the same website, they'll give you an insight to your life and situation.
If you do want to hold on to Ami then in 2 or 3 years time you would be much older, and you would think where did the time go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, you are very sweet. I'm no princess myself and I come with my own baggage. I was talking with my brother the other day...turns out we both have the habit of giving people more credit than they deserve and far too many chances. we learned it from our mother. I always try top see the good in people. I feel that i have given Ami as many chances as I can stand without hating him. I hold no negative feelings at present, but as it stands now...if he feels the need to go elsewhere after all we've been through, I feel the need to be done. he came over for Christmas and spent the evening with my crazy family...and then came over for New Years. My uncle is staying with us and said that "You must be something special for him to risk everything for you...he doesn't seem to be willing to give up time with you." I think I need to just enjoy my time with him and focus on myself and my future, If Ami is around still in two or three years...Great...if not...then I'll have found a man who treats me well from day one. Ami is being nothing but amazing...and has been for more months in a row then ever before...maybe this time he's really going to be the man I know he can be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): You are really a special person to tolerate that kind of man and the cheating, disrespect and abuse too. Calling you fat etc is abuse. That is really something when you give so many chances to a man who really does not deserve such a nice treatment from a lady like you. You really are a piece of gold.
That is good that you have some standards now and that you have decided that IF HE CHEATES ONE MORE TIME HE IS GONE. I do hope you will take it seriously this time and leave when it is time.
Ami is not a prince, he is far from being the prince charming. Princes should be good from the beginning not bitter at first and then nice and sweet? I do understand that it sounds "romantic" when you meet in secret and avoid telling his parents about your "relationship". But maybe you should think why his parents do not want you in the first place? And will they ever want you if they already are against you? Maybe there is something wrong with your "prince's" parents too that their child turned out to be a cheater etc?
I strongly suggest you read: http://www.answerbag.co.uk/articles/How-to-Prevent-Abusive-Relationships/770853d5-aa81-5e54-30c9-6dbd879f23fb
Good luck and stay strong, keep your standards high and you will never have to go through this again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are very sweet. I am sorry to hear that you have been in such a painful situation for so very long. My Ami is not a prince, but maybe...just maybe he can be. I must say, for his part...he is risking a lot even seeing me. If his parents were to catch us, he could tell them we are just friends, but they may not believe him. They could take everything away and disown him just like that. They are all he has. I come from a huge family, but Ami only has his mom and dad. He is risking his whole family to be with me. Just the other day we were talking about it. I asked him what he would do if they caught us, would he pick them and the business again? He smiled and said "I was faced with that choice once before, and chose poorly. I almost lost the most precious thing in my life. I love my family and money, but I love you more. I can make more money...and you can I can make a family. We'll both have to work three jobs to keep the business up and running, but we can do it. I won't lose you again." It was unexpected. I think maybe my Ami has grown up a little. Based on some new info, he didn't sleep with the gilr in Europe. He's been faithful since we got back together. If he cheats again, I'll leave. I have set my boundaries...and if they are crossed, I will go. But, I love him...and I think he's my one. Things worth having are worth fighting for...and they are seldom easy. Maybe I'm being stupid...but maybe I'm just stupid enough to get a happy ending.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Dear Torn---your story reads very much like the life story (32 years worth) of myself and a male friend. When we met--I was 21 and he was 17----I am now 54 he is about to turn 50.
Through-out our lives we have always drifted back together. We have both been married, divorced, alone, in relationships and yes, for whatever reason----he comes back to me and I let him into my life.
I, like you sometimes think and hope that one day--maybe we will be together. But--then there are the other times that I know in my heart---he comes back to me--when he has no one else and he knows that I will take him back in. Even though there have been several times that I refused to see him, those times were few. I love him. I have always loved him. Surely, in the Master PLan of things we belong together--don't we? The answer is NO-----we are both lazy and don't want to take the time to develop a real relationship with someone who will love us. Just recently, we have been thru another cycle---it's time to break the cycle, again--as much as I hate seeing him go----I have to do it--for myself.
Please gather your strength and wits and walk away--close that Chapter and mark it Lessons Learned. Don't waste your precious time here on Earth with a man who is not worthy of a lovely, smart young woman like you----your Prince awaits you......he will cherish your love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your candid words. Only a few days ago, I spoke to Ami about all of this. I told him that we have to do something, because otherwise this cycle will just continue. I told him that he needs to work out his issues with Scarlet. He says he doesn't love her, yet he risks the woman he says he loves to talk to her. He has some sick attatchment to her that he can't let go of. He said he is willing to start some sort of counseling alone first, and then as a couple. I still feel the need to give this a chance, but I'm not blind to the fact that it is most likely hopeless. I feel like maybe my Ami was brought into my life to tech me a lesson. Maybe about myself, maybe about others...maybe about love. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I do think that counseling would help him...at least figure out why he's doing these things. His actions don't seem malicious as much as confused. I don't know...that's where I stand. We're going to try to work things out. He's talking about going back to Europe in the spring. I've already told him that if he goes, I won't be here waiting for him when he gets back. I know that I need to stand by my word this time and really be done. If Ami can't choose me after all that we've been through in the last two, almost three, years now...he won't ever. I do hear how silly I sound, but for some reason...I can't let go yet. I know it sounds crazy, but my usually accurate intuition isn't telling me to run.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Sorry to hear that you are choosing the abusr/cheater. If you do wish to be cheated on, humiliated etc-THEN YOU'VE done the right thing by staying with that sex addict etc.
You're future with him will not be any different to the past. Adults simply don't change etc. Also he knows that you've taken him back in the past, allowed him to sleep around etc. So he knows you are not a strong person and it's easy to walk over you.
Also what concerns your behaviour, codependents like you are not always purely codependents. You may have acted nastily with him, and thats natural if you feel hurt etc. But it doesn't change the situation between him and you-you are still addicted to this guy, who at times is so charming that you forget what he just done a minute ago.
You and your Ami need to go to councelling, other wise you just keep abusing each other.
The truth is hard, I do understand you find it difficult to understand. Love is blind, deaf and dumb too. You love him and you close your eyes to avoid confronting with his issues of commitment. You are deaf, if you don't listen to what people are telling you about you and him. And in the end you are dumb too. Face it, YOU NEED HELP.
Also think about it, for example you'll have a kid with him, and then Scarlett gets pregnant too because he was sleeping with both of you. What would you tell to your child, that it's ok, daddy just needed to sleep with another girls since I was pregnant etc. Are YOU willing to screw up the rest of your life because YOU CAN'T GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THE FACT THAT THIS GUY IS SO CHARMING AND LOVING and yet ABUSIVE AND DISRESPECTFUL AND CHEATING? Do you want to teach your kids that ABUSE and CHEATING IS OK, and they should ABUSE THEIR PARTNERS TOO?
You can hope that the would bes and what ifs happen now, but they don't. That's why they are called WOULD BES and WHAT IFS. Many abused women etc stay with their partner because they live in a dream and false hope of having the would bes back (but the truth is these were never true, didn't happen etc).
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, thank you. I guess when it comes down to it, I am choosing to stay with him...knowing how things could be. When I came back, I did so knowing the situation. I knew about his parents and that things would be complicated. I knew about Scarlet and that she was still part of his life, and I expected that he had been with other people while we were apart. I knew that he wouldn't change. I have made my share of mistakes, I haven't really gone into that. Things I have done have been in direct corrillation with his mistakes, but that does not excuse them. When push comes to shove, I love him. I love him with all of his flaws and complications. I love him when things are good and when things are bad...and I think he feels the same. I don't know how much more I can take. But, he hasn't done anything to break my trust since we have been "officially" back together. I think he's trying his best to be open with me so that I don't worry. Yes, I hear myself...making another excuse...just like an abused woman...but for all that he's put me through, I haven't been much easier on him. I don't know that I'll ever trust him again, and I take that into serious consideration...but as far as "deserving better", I think we deserve what we choose. I chose a cheater who knows just what to say and who loves me enough that I stay. Maybe we're already doomed, but at least when its over...it will really be over and I can move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): If you want to stay with this man knowing everything you do about him and the way he acts then stay. But, can you live a life knowing everyday you will search his phone or computer, look at his clothes for signs of cheating. He already knows that whatever you do you will forgive him. You need to look inside yourself and see what you can live with and what you can take, and the next time he cheats and he will, the only one you can blame for the hurt is yourself for taking what he gives you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was talking to my mum today...she knows the whole story. As I'm sure you know, she's not really much of a fan of old Ami. She just says to wait until I feel like I'm ready and then make a decision. I guess that's why I'm on here. Seeing out in black and white...seeing just how bad it all sounds, makes me look at it a lot different. Once...maybe I could get over, but how in God's name am i supposed to trust him when he's litereally done it more times than I can count?
Thank you both of you.
I guess some days i just need to walk into the big brick wall to see its there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): I was left genuinely shocked upon reading of your dilemma. I understand you feel the need to justify his behaviour, don't we all, in our moments blinded by love and viewing the love of our life through rose-tinted glasses! However, I must tell you - he is a player. He wants sex. He is having his cake and eating it.
I feel so angry!! How does this man deluded enough to believe he can walk all over you like this, and tell you he will stay with you on the condition you change your body for his enjoyment... while you have leniently required that he would prevent himself from sleeping with his entourage of other women. It is just shocking, darling, you're worth more than this... clearly; this man is a fantasist...
xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Leave him. You can get a better guy, a guy who treats you right, who doesn't cheat on you and who never makes you cry. He's out for sex, not for love. A good man would not cheat, would not make bad comments about a lady etc. If you leave him you can start working on your self-esteem and get a healthy life. You've lowered your standards enough, right now he is just walking all over you. A cheater will always be a cheater. Think about it.
It is not easy to leave somebody, but you got to do it for YOURSELF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question:) I wish you were telling me something i haven't heard before. It's just hard...I know him better than anyone...and I use that to justify his behavior. I end up saying "if you only knew him..." a lot. There are so many good stories, you know...and for me, the good outweighs the bad. For some reason, i don't tolerate any BS in my life...except from him. I don't know that he gets to hurt me again...I don't even know that I love him anymore, but I'm just not ready to let go. I guess, in some way...i need closure. i need it to be over and I need to feel like I can move on, or I need to see more from him. LOL...oddly enough, I'm the person all my friends go to for advise...and I always give the best. I'm a smart girl when it comes to everything else in my life, but with him...I don't make sense. I guess maybe one day I'll know when enough is enough. Thank you for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Honey, this is not a healthy relationship, and never has been. I think you ought to just walk away from it before you get seriously hurt. He's never treated yuou right, and I doubt he'll begin to anytime soon - this guy just wants to play the field.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust as a side note, I have seen a lot of changes in him for the good. I have not always been easy to be with and there have been questions of my own fidelity. he was always taken my word. He has been good to me. I know he missed out on a lot because of his business and I have not always kept up my end of the bargain. I think that he is being honest with me now. My fear is that because of the times i have been burned before, I won't be able to trust him now even if he is being honest. Please don't sit here and tell me how stupid I am for staying with him. I know how I must look. Its not easy to just walk away from the man you love. Thank you in advance for any advice or feedback.
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