A
female
age
41-50,
*illymac
writes:A good friend of mine, who I have known for 10 years, took our relationship to the next level back in November. It was totally unexpected, but I went with the flow, and quickly fell in love with him.We have been spending evey weekend together, hanging out and having a good time. Then 2 weekends ago, at the end of a really pleasant evening, he asked me if I was under the impression that we were going out because we're not. He loves me very much, but doesn't want a relationship with anybody because he and his ex (of 10 years ago) lost a baby and then she killed herself.I haven't seen or heard from him since and I'm tearing myself apart. Will he ever be able to getover the trauma in the past? Can I help him in any way? I love him so much and would die before I would do anyting to hurt him. I just want him to be able to trust me enough to let me in so we can be there for each other.Will he ever be able to have a relationship, or have I just been given an emotionally wrenching excuse?
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female
reader, gillymac +, writes (23 May 2008):
gillymac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLadies,Thank you for the advice I appreciate it. My friend was only 18 when he lost his baby and girlfriend, and personally I think he blames himself for the whole thing, even though there was absolutely nothing he could have done. (The child was stillborn and she commited suicide shortly thereafter) I think he has had some counselling, but clearly the matter still weighs on him heavily.It doesn't help that he is what I would call a "man's man" - very macho and reluctant to share his feelings with anybody. I happen to know I'm only the second person that he has told about this episode in his life.I have heard reports throughout the week from people that have seen him that he clearly isn't his usual self - very quiet and withdrawn. He did text me on Tuesday evening, but just to have me pass on his apologies that he wouldnt be able to go to a certain event. An event he knew I HAD to go to - I suspect thats why he didn't go.So here I am, dreading my third weekend without him. I would love to be able to go home from work today and just fall asleep until its time to come back to work on Monday morning.I miss him so much, and I know in my heart that he is the one, to the point that (considering my age) it's him or no-one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Your situtation is a sensiive one and it is difficult to know what advice to give you..... You say it's 10years since this happened.... Well since he's not managed to get over it in all this time (and he's known you that long) it's difficult to see what would change things and make him want to make a committment and settle down with you.
The only silver lineing is he wants to spend time with you, and has developed a more intimate relationship with you. Though he has warned you (and I see no reason for you to ignore his advice) that you shouldn't get romantic ideas about the whole thing. He really needs to see a counsellor to get some advice on grief and bereavement.
It is admirable that you care and wish to help this man, but I see you are 30-35. Are you willing to waste anymore time on this relationship. You deserve better than tying yourself to a man whose heart is still in the grave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Your situtation is a sensiive one and it is difficult to know what advice to give you..... You say it's 10years since this happened.... Well since he's not managed to get over it in all this time (and he's known you that long) it's difficult to see what would change things and make him want to make a committment and settle down with you.
The only silver lineing is he wants to spend time with you, and has developed a more intimate relationship with you. Though he has warned you (and I see no reason for you to ignore his advice) that you shouldn't get romantic ideas about the whole thing. He really needs to see a counsellor to get some advice on grief and bereavement.
It is admirable that you care and wish to help this man, but I see you are 30-35. Are you willing to waste anymore time on this relationship. You deserve better than tying yourself to a man whose heart is still in the grave.
...............................
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