A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a roommate and recently she and her brother planned a trip for some friends. I was invited. On the trip her brother and i went for a hike and talked. We connected on every level. We shared the same views, opinions, and experiences. The story of his previous girlfriend was the exact story of my ex boyfriend. I have never felt the way I had with him. before we left he said we needed to go on a date and he got my number. he is extremely busy with work and the air force. he lives 3 hours away and says he needs to come up here or i need to come down there for a weekend. I don't want to seem to desperate so I am playing it cool. should i go visit him or will he become disinterested because I am too interested?
View related questions:
my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter he got my number he texted me a couple times and would say things like "did you have a good day sunshine?". He called me but i was at dinner so he texted me and said "stop making out and call me back" obviously joking. I called him back later and we talked for awhile. I had awoke him and he was tired but seemed happy to talk to me. That was a week after. A week after that I texted him telling him about a movie I had made of the trip. Then a couple days after that he texted me. Then a week after that I texted him and told him about the job. He has been gone every weekend since the trip. My brother lives a half and hour away and wants me to come visit. I think I will go visit my brother and let him know I am coming down his way and see how it goes. I think that would provide an oppurtunity for him to come see me. Then he would at least have to put in a little effort. How long before I travel down there should I tell him I am planning on coming down. Like three days? Five?
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 No worries, happy to help :)
So, as far as I understand this, you guys met during a trip and it's been three weeks since then. You've just now texted him…is this the first contact you guys have had since the trip? If it was, does that mean that you texted him first and he didn't text you at all since the trip?
It's really hard to give you advice because I don't know him or you and I hope you take what I say with a grain of salt and that you always do what you feel is best for you.
Having said that, if he didn't text you first and there has been no contact at all since the trip three weeks ago (except you texting him now), I'd say he's not that keen. It doesn't mean he's not interested at all but it could just mean that he's not interested enough to pursue things. And I think the distance might have something to do with that. You guys clicked really well when you met and he liked you and that's why he asked for your number and said you should go on a date. But maybe when he went back he thought about it and realized that it would be too hard to start things with someone who doesn't live close to him…he might not want that kind of a commitment at this point. It's hard to say without knowing him. It is also possible that he's seeing someone else back where he lives, who knows.
What was said during the recent texting? Did he mention a date or getting together or was he just talking about jobs?
If he's not asking about getting together or at least hinting, I'd say he's not that interested. If this is the case but you still want to make sure, you can just ask him, plain and simple. You've got nothing to lose. I know this might be going against what I've been saying, but there comes a point when nothing is happening and you just need to know so that you can get on with other things.
So, wait about a week and see if he makes contact. No contact from you in this time would be the best. If he does text you, watch what he says. If he's still beating around the bush just ask him…'so when are you planning on coming down to see me'…make it a joke. His answer should tell you what he's feeling.
Sometimes we girls think that a guy, if he's not sure how we feel, will not ask us out or make a move…but I have been proven wrong time and time again. If he wants you he will come and get you.
Let me know what's going on and we might figure this one out :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lexie for the advice. Today I texted him because he is helping me get a job. I didn't try to sound too interested but I hate not knowing whats going on!!! I let him leave the last message but it's so hard not for me to call him up and have the DTR. I deleted his number so I can't contact him. How long would be good to wait for him to call/text me? It's been three weeks since we last saw each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (16 October 2009):
Of course you think about it often, you like the guy, you're excited and you want things to happen. You can certainly visit him and pursue him...and if he's that genuine it shouldn't really matter. What I was saying before is that you taking a backseat at this stage serves the purpose of protecting your emotions in a way. I don't think you'd drive him away by pursuing him and making the effort to see him, but you risk putting yourself in the position where you don't really know how much he wants you.
You also set the expectation from the get go that you're available and 'ready for the taking' so to say. I know relationships should not be about game playing, but I think that at the beginning when you don't know how the other person feels it's best to play it safe, not reveal too much and leave him wondering a bit. If he's interested he'll want to know more. Don't lay all your cards on the table right now.
I don't know how this guy operates but it's never a good idea to show a guy this early on that you're into him...let him win you over, let him make the effort. He will value you much more that way. We all value those things we work hard for, and take for granted those things that come to us easy.
What I would do at this point is set a deadline by which you think it is reasonable for him to contact you. If he doesn't then send that small text/email to say hello. I dated someone in the airforce and the day after our first date he left on deployment. Although he was away and doing god knows what he found the time to message me the next day and ask me out on a second date.
If I can tell you one thing is that when a guy is interested and wants you nothing will stop him. You don't need to make things happen...he will if he really wants to.
Let us know what happens :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks both of you for your answers. I agree but my friend kept suggesting i go visit him. I just have a problem being patient. It's hard for me to not know what's going on in a relationship. I am finding things to keep me busy but I think about it numerous times during the day. Any advice for that?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): I agree - let him pursue you a bit. He practically asked you out as soon as he met you. Relax, he's feeling it too. He's probaly freaking out about how much he talked about his ex and should actually move pretty quick to make a charming new impression on you! Like the previou poster said, if he goes TOO long without contact, a very short, polite text/e-mail to say hi is plenty. He should take action or apologize profusely for his insane work schedule (probably with a confession that he's been thinking of you). Crazy as it sounds, ENJOY these unsure, nervous feelings! The beginning is always the best part!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (15 October 2009):
I think you'd be best off getting him to come and visit you to start off with. If he is truly interested (and you should expect no less from a guy) he will make the effort to come and see you, no matter how busy he is.
By going to see him I don't think it's a matter of him becoming disinterested because you're too interested...you going to see him won't let YOU figure out how interested HE is in you. He might be happy for you to come and see him but at the beginning of any relationship it should not be the woman making all the effort to see the guy...don't set that expectation this early on. At least if he makes the time and effort to come and see you, you will be in a better position to judge his level of interest at this stage.
Trust me on this one...if he is really keen he will call you and set up a time to come and see you. If not, then he's just not that interested or he's not sure and you don't want that. If you don't hear from him for a while it's ok to send a small message to say hello or something but do nothing more. I know it's old fashioned and some people don't agree, but you'll be better off if you let the guy pursue you.
So wait it out and if he wants to he'll come and see you. You're just beginning things here and you need to set the right foundations from the start.
...............................
|
