A
female
age
30-35,
*lone19
writes:Hi all, Ever since I aborted my unplanned pregnancy, I have felt such a great deal of guilt and sadness. I know this is to be expected but the feeling of resent and anger is becoming too much to handle. My boyfriend hurt me so much during the time we found out, he made it so hard for me to tell him how I felt. He made it clear how he felt and nothing I said changed his mind. Although he knew I wanted to continue the pregnancy, he took me to a clinic to get the pill abortion. I cried the whole way there and we ended up having an argument. I was so angry that I told him I couldn't be with someone who has made me do this. He was shocked and said he didn't want to lose me, so we left the clinic. He told his parents that day and for the first time in weeks I felt relieved and so happy. Unfortunately, within days he told me he regretted his decision to keep the baby and wished I had gone through with the abortion. I felt so hurt and angry that yet again he was putting my emotions and feelings second to his and I was so confused how my loving boyfriend could act this way and put me through this again. By this time I was 10 weeks pregnant, which meant having the surgery abortion. Again, he took me to the clinic, knowing I didn't want to go through this. After having my second pre-abortion scan, (which goes without saying made the whole thing even worse to go through with) I was called into a smaller waiting room, which was where the procedure took place. I remember everything about this room, it's like its engraved in my memory and as hard as I try I can't seem to forget it.Now it's been almost 5 months and my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand how I feel. I can't help but think, as selfish as it may sound, he wont understand as he didn't go through the same thing I did. He was told to wait in the public waiting room with all the other men, he was totally blinded from the harsh reality of the other side of the surgery room door. He didn't go through the immense pain after the surgery. He disagrees and tells me we have gone through this together but I know he doesn't have a clue. I fear this will eventually cause a rift in our relationship as I already resent and blame him.I guess my question is how do I get over this terrible all deal? Will there ever be a time that I can accept what has happened and move on? Is it possible to learn to forgive him? I don't want to cry every day and I definitely do not want to hold a grudge against my boyfriend. Talking to him about it just isn't an option anymore because he just doesn't know what to say, or doesn't understand how I feel, it just makes things worse.Any advice or personal experiences will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I'm afraid that sadly, I understand totally, as have been through something very similar. I also went twice, not wanting to have this done. I also had a boyfriend who thought he 'understood', but didn't (until much, much later).
The bottom line is, re: the boyfriend, that if getting pregnant with him was such a disaster, then something inside you says 'so what the hell is the point of being with him??' - it completely takes the magic and soul out of the relationship.
I think you will end up leaving him. I know your grief over the baby will go on for a long time, but that there will come a time (I'm afraid probably years later) when you will somehow make peace with yourself and what has happened, and I know that when you do have more children, you will feel better, although at the same time you will feel sad again about your first baby.
So yes, you will be able to live with it, but to be honest ... I think the boyfriend will go. And kind of should. Because he should have supported you, and let you have the baby. And if he didn't ... why not? Just ask him that, if nothing else.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (29 October 2012):
I had an abortion a couple of years ago. My boyfriend and I had been going out for about 1 year and weren't really in the best place to have a baby. I knew that, but part of me still wanted to keep it. I knew my boyfriend didn't agree. He wanted to abort it, but he never forced me. If I chose to keep it, he would be there. In the end, we chose to abort. I'm not sure how much of it was my desire and how much was me doing what he wanted. But the ultimate decision was still mine. He went with me and supported me, but he wasn't overwhelmed with guilt and sadness afterwards. He did his best to support me though. Now, a few years later, we are married. And both of us regret the decision we made before. I think he regrets it more than me actually.
In the beginning I thought about it a lot. One thing that I thought was important was to find a way to honour it's memory - some sort of memorial. As for whether you can forgive him, part of that will be forgiving yourself. Because I know I blamed him after the abortion and I was really angry. It nearly drove us apart. But I was really angry with myself - because it was still my decision. He couldn't force me to do it. It was just easier to blame him than me.
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A
female
reader, carebare +, writes (29 October 2012):
Hi there, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. I've been through something similar myself and you're absolutely right. He isn't really going to understand how you feel or be any help during the healing process because 1. He doesn't seem willing to open his mind and try, and 2. He's a man and he is not going to ever truly understand how abortion affects a woman.That said, I encourage you to check out PASS (Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome) Forums. It's just a lot of women your position who are also looking to heal. Even just reading what other women are going through and being able to relate helps a lot. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to link but feel free to PM and I'll send you the link though you should be able to find it through a web search too.You can recover from this and as time goes on, the pain will lessen. How things turn out with your boyfriend however, is a different can of worms. I personally think it was so wrong for him to force you to have an abortion but what's done is done. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can forgive him but if you find yourself crying and resenting him, I strongly encourage you to end things with him. It's just not worth it to put yourself through that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Hi
What you need to do is work out if you want to be with this man. At the end of the day he encouraged you to get rid of the child and you have to live with that for the rest of your life. I promise you it will get easier just take each day as it comes. You need to learn to forgive him but you need to work out if he is the right man for you. If he is not you need to accept it and move on however hard it maybe. If you leave it then it will only get harder.
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