A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a question and I am curious about what the opinions are out there.If a man is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with him OR she was unable to have sex with him due to physical?psychological reasons, would the man eventually end up in an affair or a sexual and/or emotional relationship with another woman? Do you think a man could withstand a sexless marriage for the rest of his life?And, is it right of his wife to deprive him of something so vital? Assuming he is a typical, red blooded male who enjoys having sex?And, if there is no sex, could that lessen the emotional bond between the couple or the bond they share in general?Is intimacy a big part of marriage? I do not mean being best friends and being compatible but I mean passion and physical love?Is it possible a man deprived of sex with his wife will eventually find love with another woman he does have a strong sexual relationship (as well as friendship) with?I am looking forward to your opinions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Hello Male Anon.
It's the OP.
Thank you for your intelligent and insightful answer.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): " . . .would the man eventually end up in an affair or a sexual and/or emotional relationship with another woman?"That depends on the man; if he genuinely loved his wife and took his marriage vows seriously, then he wouldn't. "Do you think a man could withstand a sexless marriage for the rest of his life?"That depends on the man; if he genuinely loved his wife and took his marriage vows seriously, then he could. "And, is it right of his wife to deprive him of something so vital? Assuming he is a typical, red blooded male who enjoys having sex?"That depends on the circumstances. If the wife has physical, psychological or emotional issues that prevent her from having sex, she isn't making a choice to "deprive" him. And if she is deliberately withholding sex from her husband, then it's his decision whether to remain faithful to HIS vows of file for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. "And, if there is no sex, could that lessen the emotional bond between the couple or the bond they share in general?"That depends on the couple. It could, but that doesn't necessarily mean it would."Is intimacy a big part of marriage? I do not mean being best friends and being compatible but I mean passion and physical love?"To me, your questions are self-contradicting. I define intimacy as an emotional expression while sex is a physical expression. Depending on the couple, successful marriages can have sex without intimacy as well as intimacy without sex."Is it possible a man deprived of sex with his wife will eventually find love with another woman he does have a strong sexual relationship (as well as friendship) with?"That depends on the man. It's possible he will but it's also possible he won't feel the need to seek a sexual relationship with another woman. If a man's wife can't/won't have sex with him, he doesn't need to stray outside his marriage to seek physical release as nature has provided a much safer, more convenient, less conflicting alternative - masturbation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2016):
 Of course we go by generalizations in this thread and others. What else can we go by ! , dealing with a general, hypothetical question ? without knowing in depth and in details, a specific situation the poster has in mind ?
But the fact that there are, or there may be, single individual exceptions to a " rule " or trend or tendency, does not invalidate the generalization or make it less true.
I think everybody would agree that " Austria is colder than Tunisia " right ?
Well, last year I spend a few days in August in Wien and to my surprise the average temperature was a scorching 37 C., with peaks of 39-40. A much higher average temperature than when I had visited Tunisia on a summer a few years before.
The fact that I chanced into an occasional heat wave does not deny the fact that yes, " Austria is colder than Tunisia ". I can still say that confidently, even if my own personal experience says otherwise.
Anyway : just for the record, when I was mentioning the MM securing sexual exclusivity for himself, but not giving the same, I was not referring to a possible second mistress. I was referring to the WIFE. With whom so many " sexless " husbands keep having sex. Maybe not out of passion ...- but still, it's sex.
Not ALL husbands do that ? So what ? ... Austria is STILL colder than Tunisia :) , even if personally I could not see that...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Thought I would point out that these are all just generalizations and not necessarily reflective of actuality or reality. We are all different and every situation is different.
Just as there are men (and women) who CAN remain in sexless marriages and/or not place a lot of emphasis on sex, there are married men who are not serial cheaters and do only have one mistress.
The general perception seems to be married men who cheat are out there finding multiple women to cheat with. Easier said that done. They'd be lucky to find one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2016):
Sorry, but I feel I was not veering off anything.
Your question was not about the importance of physical passion in general.
Your question was about someone who has a long term relationship, or a WIFE ( btw it's not exactly the same thing and the implications would be different ,IMO ) who does not have sex with his official partner anymore.
What I am saying, is - I disagree with you- totally sexless marriage are actually LESS than you'd think, and mostly for reason of age or illness, as in the case of your parents.
I am making no big discovery when I say that married people with a lover lie, lie often and lie credibly, out of necessity and out of practice.
Same as the MM will tell his wife that he has no lover and he is going away for the weekend with his gym buddies, he will lie to his lover and tell her that he is not having sex with anybody else- to GET her sexual exclusivity without committing his.
Consider this, very likely, scenario and your sexless marriages decrease exponentially in numbers.
Then the choice of cheating becomes more about ego, boredom, novelty , and greed than about sexual deprivation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): It's the OP. I don't want to veer away from the question I asked. We aren't here trying to establish whether a married man is lying by saying he isn't having sex with his wife or she has become like a sister. Or if he will leave a wife for his girlfriend (I will use that term if it is a long standing relationship). Yeah, obviously SOME people lie. AND... some DON'T. And if you are going to take judgment out of the equation, there can sometimes be justifiable/understandable reasons for our actions, morally, societally correct or not. Reasons which are actually rooted in the TRUTH. Yes, the truth! It DOES exist!
I think there are more sexless marriages than people know out there. And I was asking for opinions based on the fact a couple is no longer having sex. Sometimes the man gets older and can't have sex anymore but the woman is still into it. For example, my parents. My dad is quite a bit older than my mom. He is unable to perform anymore due to age related issues. She is still at the age where she would love to be able to have sex. I see the frustration continuously in how she treats him. It comes across loud and clear in little actions, in words, etc. She doesn't mean it intentionally. It just manifests itself. She knows why. She has to accept it. She does not like it. But she accepts it. As this is part and parcel of the deal. I am not sure if she thought that far ahead marrying a man 15 years her senior. But he gave her a good life. She does love him and he loves her. But after years together, it does become like a brother-sister relationship. How can it not? But ESPECIALLY if there is NO sex involved. This surely does not help matters. Oh, sure they stay married. If it ain't broke... They've been married for over 50 years. But still... It is sad that this integral part of a person must be left to die. That passion has no outlet. Like a flower being left to wilt without water. It is like people resign themselves to this kind of an empty life and just live it on automatic pilot. Give up. Push that part of themselves away, deny it. I am just saying it is sad. It happens more than we think. In many circumstances and in all age groups for whatever reason. Sex is the most beautiful part of a relationship and of yourself. To express love and affection for your partner physically is an extension of the expression of your emotions. It is the closest you can ever be toward your partner. It is just a shame that so many people live in relationships without sex. You don't have to be swinging off chandeliers but just staying connected through sex, even if it is less frequent than in the early days, is so important. I think very necessary to your own well being and to the well being of your relationship.
I agree with Honeypie. For a relationship to survive without sex is rare. But having said this, I do believe there are many people that STAY in relationships without sex. Now is the relationship surviving? Barely. But there is a difference between staying out of convenience and obligation than staying out of true happiness and true love.
Another example: A friend of mine has not had sex with her husband since last November. It was HER choice to cut him off. She is still with him though. And is not leaving him. She cannot stand him. He is just her room mate by her own assertion. Why? Because of the finances. She cannot afford the same lifestyle for her and her two daughters on her own. She would take a substantial financial hit by leaving him and having to start over. So, she likes the comfort and security of her situation without changing it. A very common story. I guess she is sacrificing other things. Sex, an emotional bond, companionship etc. Which at some point she is going to see as important, and perhaps something she cannot ignore any longer. Because her NEEDS are not being met by her husband. Perhaps a matter of time for her before somebody else comes along.
On the other side, there was me. I loved my husband but was not in love with my husband. I was not having sex with him and the thought of having sex with him turned me off. I did not stay because of finances. Although maybe I should have? What I did was leave. I had no safety net. No nest egg. I just made the leap. Had no idea what tomorrow would bring. Why? Because I knew I was not happy in my marriage. I know that I wanted passion and somebody who ignited me sexually. And I knew that eventually I would probably find another man who would make me happy. I did not want to hurt my husband that way, continuing to stay married and living a lie. I thought it was best to hurt him honestly than waste his life and time on me. So that he could find a woman who truly loved him and wanted to be with him sexually and otherwise. I think too many people succumb to the easiest path. The path of least resistance. And love does not always have something to do with it. That would too ideal. I did not take the easy path but I dared to be honest with myself, dug deeper and although it was tough, at least I did it honestly. Why would you see a marriage as a life sentence? If there is NO passion, NO sex? I just don't get that. Maybe in our parent's day, this happened a lot. Sticking it out? But today, we are in a much different place in our thinking. Why would you stick it out if you know you can have a better life? Do better for yourself? Find somebody more suitable? Today, I am married to a wonderful man. And he came around about a year after I divorced my husband. I have all that I want and need in this man. Had I not taken the plunge, I would still be in a convenient, lifeless, sexless marriage.
People who live without sex in their relationships are deluding themselves if they think they can keep up that charade for the rest of their married lives.
Something's gotta give.
And most likely... it will.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2016):
Edit :
" was supposedly NOT intimate "
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2016):
You haven't considered a not irrelevant detail though.
That, I am not going to say " all " cheating husbands of course, but many, many cheating husbands say they are not having sex with their wife and by now they live together like brother and sister ; but it's not true .
That's the second most popular cliche' on the lips of the cheating married man. 1 ) "My wife does not understand me" 2 ) "We are just like brother and sister now "
That happened to a friend of mine. Her married lover was supposedly intimate with his wife since the birth of their second kid, 7 or 8 years before. My friend believed it religiously- until one day by chance she saw in a shop the man's wife happily sporting a big pregnant belly containing their third child.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 June 2016):
I personally wouldnt stay married in a sexless relationship.A wife generally provides three things to me in a relationship - 1. Fertility. 2. Sex 3. Femininity.For just those three thing, I give/sacrifice the following.- Access to all of my assets- Access to all of my future earning potential- A considerable amount of my time- A considerable amount of my attention- My social status by association, including my masculinity- Access to any other woman in a sexual capacity.That is A LOT to give up. Take one of those things away that a woman provides me and I have little reason to stay in the marriage.Before anyone answers with responses of "the relationship" or "companionship" or anything like that, I dont need that from a women. My friends/brothers provide that to me on better terms and with much less cost than a marriage ever could.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2016):
 I think it depends on the couple, the marriage and how they can find other ways to be intimate.
I also think it comes down to their level of communication.
Do I think a marriage without sex can work? Yes, but I think it's rare.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2016):
 "I have an issue with how much you would really love your spouse if you went out and had sex with someone else. I am old school I guess. I can’t see love existing in such cases.”
Ah, well, it’s a good thing you aren’t having an affair with a married man then! You won’t have to find out the hard way that if he hasn’t left his wife in three years he’s not likely to!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): Yes, this is the risk you take when you cut off sex from a relationship. A marriage is supposed to consist of sex in addition to many other needs being met. So many people do not see the important role sex plays in a (happy) marriage or they tend to downplay it. When something as significant as sex is lacking in any relationship, I think the emotional bond does deteriorate, causing the partner, man or woman, to look elsewhere. I mean, why settle for half a relationship when they can get it all? An emotional connection in addition to sexual satisfaction.
I know of a woman. She is a close friend I have known for years. Since high school. Her husband was unable to perform sexually (I won't get into the reasons) and she stayed married to him anyway. Sure, she loved him. As a friend. Father of her son. He was a nice guy. Good provider and husband. Nothing wrong with him. But he did not satisfy her sexual needs. And she lived without sex for 18 years. 18 years!!! And she was a married woman. Until a man walked in who ignited her fire, her passion. Made her feel alive as she had felt dead, undesired. He awaked a part of her that
died and was lost during all those years. Do you really think that is not a force to be reckoned with? I would think most people under the circumstances would succumb. Choose passion. Perhaps stay married because doesn't everybody like to have it all? Passion plus security? But the point is intimacy does fade away when you have a room mate situation or even a good friend situation strictly based on compatibility. It is like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode when the right person lights that fuse. I don't believe for a minute it's real, true and lasting love when you do not have sex with your partner because that is the closest level of intimacy two people can ever share together. And a big part of marriage is having sexual relations. Take this out of the mix and you are just good friends.
And to answer Tisha's question, who brought up affairs, yes, many people will have affairs when they are not getting sex from their husbands or wives. Do you expect them to live celibate for the rest of their lives? That's a LONG time. I mean, even if they DID like or even love their spouses, they still DO have certain needs that NEED to be met. But still I have an issue with how much you would really love your spouse if you went out and had sex with someone else. I am old school I guess. I can't see love existing in such cases.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): There are several factors that determine what a man may do.
It certainly depends on how deep the love goes and what he is willing to sacrifice to keep the woman he loves. Age is also a factor, as he gets older his drive may naturally diminish anyway.
Everyone is vulnerable to temptation; whether they have a great sex-life or not. It also depends on his sexual-appetite and his understanding of why his mate doesn't offer him sex. If she's a handful and not much of a good mate in other areas; he's likely to turn to other women feeling justified. He may only keep her for financial reasons, or for the same of his children. Sometimes religion may play a role in his decision to stay and not turn to other women.
It makes little sense why a woman would enter marriage or a committed relationship with a man she knows wants sex regularly. How can he remain happy knowing his mate doesn't want sex with him; because she doesn't like sex? Sex is an integral part of intimacy, and it is an expression of affection within a relationship. These things should be a deciding factor before such commitments are made. Not smack in the middle of them. It's deceptive to lure someone in thinking all is well, and sex will be a part of the relationship; then pull the rug out from under his feet.
Medical issues, disabilities, and mental-health problems are understandable; and he must use reason and be supportive.
He has to love her enough to accept some things that may
change down the road. In some cases, he may have known sex wouldn't be available or infrequent; and willingly accepts the circumstances at his own sacrifice, or under compromise.
Your question is a rhetorical one, only that so much depends on what a relationship was built-on in the first place. If it starts out a certain way, most people want things to be consistent if they work. If it changes over time; then you either adapt to the situation, or you change it. If you know you have a wonderful woman in your life, and know that cheating will hurt her, you may just decide not to do anything to put what you have in jeopardy. Sex isn't everything, but it is very important to keep some relationships alive. Finding another woman is a last resort, if there is no willingness to compromise on her part. It goes two ways.
It only stands to reason, if you want to keep a husband or a boyfriend who loves and needs sex; you're going to have to find a good substitute, or compromise. It's pretty selfish and unreasonable to expect him to starve and not seek any relief for unjustifiable reasons. Before turning to other women, he should decide what to do with the woman he's got.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): Hello, it's the OP.
I am not having an affair with any married man.
This is a general question.
Thanks for your replies so far.
I am hoping for others to still weigh in.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2016):
"If a man [shouldn’t you use “husband” just as a matter of form?] is in a long term relationship or marriage and his wife was no longer willing to have sex (ie. she never did like it to begin with, she no longer likes it) with him OR she was unable to have sex with him due to physical?psychological reasons, would the man eventually end up in an affair or a sexual and/or emotional relationship with another woman?”
Depends on the husband, doesn’t it?
If you flip the question, say a male war veteran came back after experiencing trauma and due to physical and psychological injuries was not able to have sex, would his wife eventually end up in an affair or a sexual and/or emotional relationship with another man?
It would depend on the woman, wouldn’t it?
---
"And, is it right of his wife to deprive him of something so vital? Assuming he is a typical, red blooded male who enjoys having sex?”
So we go from wondering about the husband to pondering the ethical behavior of the wife.
Hm.
“And, if there is no sex, could that lessen the emotional bond between the couple or the bond they share in general?”
Why, yes, yes it could. Depending on circumstances. It might, as in the case of Christopher Reed and his wife Dana, make a stronger emotional bond.
"Is intimacy a big part of marriage? I do not mean being best friends and being compatible but I mean passion and physical love?”
So this question shows that you are on the other side of the equation, you aren’t married to this man and you are wondering why he’s staying with his wife.
Intimacy is defined by the couple in question, isn’t it?
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“Is it possible a man deprived of sex with his wife will eventually find love with another woman he does have a strong sexual relationship (as well as friendship) with?”
Of course it’s possible. Is it going to happen for this particular husband? Well, is he really being “deprived” of sex? Hm? Is it possible that in this case the husband has found that if he takes the “poor me” approach he gets sex on tap from the other woman?
Here’s a quick question for you, how many years have you put up with being the other woman? One? Two? Three? I’m guessing three based on similar posts.
You’ve spent three years now waiting for the husband to leave his wife.
The husband is happy with the status quo.
For three years now, you’ve been caught up in the affair. All it’s done is make you a lot worried and the worst of it, for you, that you don’t seem to see, is that it’s kept you off the dating market. You have been essentially sidelined by this married man, who keeps you guessing enough and enjoys sexy passionate times with you but will not leave his wife.....
My mother would have told me I was wasting my precious time on this earth. Why are you wasting your precious time with this guy? You are expecting far more than he is willing to give.... Sorry...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 June 2016):
 Sex enhances the emotional bond for most, but I disagree that the bond is less without it because many people I know don't *want* sex in their relationships. There's nothing wrong with them mentally/physically/emotionally, but they need people they're compatible with.
However, it can lessen the bond when it's important to them. You just need to communicate with each other and make a pact that if one of you isn't happy, you get counselling or break up, not cheat.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (24 June 2016):
"Is intimacy a big part of marriage?"
Intimacy is the final part of marriage. You cannot get any closer to a partner than through sex.
Check this out...
"A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. Do not deny yourselves to each other,"
In case you are wondering who said that...GOD did...why did he say that? Because of this...
"But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife"
So the question is this...If a man has his own wife, and that wife is not fulfilling her duties as a wife, and he decides to go out and have an affair...Well??...Do you see the problem WE set for ourselves??? It goes the same way for the woman.
"she never did like it to begin with"
I am intrigued as to your statement here...Why would this be? Never like sex? Or had bad experiences with sex?
As for the truth...Men are sexual beings...Yes...we will find it very hard to stay without sex, unless his wife provides another means of release.
Women are just as likely to do the same. Men have long considered women to be dead when it comes to sex. Women are far from dead...They just have not been woken up yet, or by the right means. :)))
Yes...lack of sex will lessen the emotional bond. After all, sex is as close as you can get. Remove that, and simply being in the same room will not be enough.
Women also feel very alone in their relationships when the man ignores them. All of these issue goes both ways.
And as it is stated above...The husband is not the master of his body, but his wife is....So, if you are not mastering his body...you leave room for someone else to do it for you.
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