A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Im having a problem with my wife. About a year ago she started watching porn just every now and then to spice things up. After a few months it came to having to watch it every time we had sex so she would be in the mood. then just a few months ago, we rarely had sex, and it was the, "hurry up....are you done yet" . like 2 months after being pregnant she cut me off, she says she has sharp pains down there. She has said this before she was pregnant quite a few times, and has gone to the dr. about it but nothing was ever found. But after a few weeks of no sex within the first trimester I got to digging around on her comp. and found that she was watching porn a day or 2 out of the week. Confronted her about it and she got upset and said she would quit and that we would go to consoling. Well we never got around to seeing anyone and now just a few months after that confrontation, I browsed around and she is looking at it almost every day, even waking up early on the weekend before I get up to look at it. So the other day i confronted her about it, and she just flipped, told me to get over it, that shes a grown women and she can do what she wants. So my question is, what is this all about? why is she doing this? Im falling more and more out of love with her everyday because their is no closeness between us, we dont touch, kiss, or anything.Also, All the porn she watches is lesbian porn, she has a fantasy to be with a woman but she wont try it if we are married.(yet, before we got married we had a 3 some and she said she hated it because of me and the other girl doing things) Also, to top things off, about a year and a half ago, she wont give me oral sex, she always expected me to give her oral, before she cut me off, but never returned the favor. And since she has cut me off, she refuses to give me oral sex since she claims it hurts to have sex, and really doesn't care about if I get any pleasure or not. Any advice is really appreciated. I would like to get a few woman's opinion on this.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Brain wave.. your a sexy man.. play that up... put on sexy clothes, tee-shirt, jeans half buttoned, or shirt and tie, undone and looking cool..Since she is free and easy about sex, you should be the same. Stroke balls and penis when doing the dishes, feel hot and sexy all the time.. trying to stimulate her desires and remind her that you are young and sexy and you may not continue to wait.I know it's hard, but can you love yourself a little bit more and know what a wonderful husband you are. Can you keep in mind that she's got the problem, but 101 girls would screw you and embarrass themselves and probably 1001 would want to marry you from just reading this post.She's too sure of you, she's too sure your good, will never be unfaithful and will never leave. Can we get more self love for you, start flirting, start dressing good and feeling good like you was still a teen... I want to give this lazy "bitch" a shock... if she doesn't want you, many women will..Pretend for now babes, get thinking more like a single man, feel sexy, look good, and make the woman come running. You deserve a bit of happiness, and she needs a bloody good shock.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 August 2010):
Very few men talk about pornography addiction. The fact that James does says you got big problems.
Again, big hugs, and sorry, so sorry for the loneliness you feel. If I had a wand, I'd make it all better, but I'm racking my brain and I'm coming up with nothing at the moment.
I feel sorry for your baby. Maybe things will change when the baby is here.
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
Give up and leave her. I'm not one to advocate the evils of pornography, but it looks like the porno devil got her.
Get a divorce. Try and get the best settlement you can. Try to get evidence of her pornography viewing, so you can get custody, as you will have to pay child support. You are in big trouble.
If there is anything that appears to be under age, report it to the police. That's your ace card. But be sure to collect other evidence of her pornography and make it clear that it is hers and not yours.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 August 2010):
Sigh... I should never pull tiger by the tail...
Is it too late to say sorry and apologise for accusing you wrongly... you got enough stress without me trying to put the blame on you...
Sorry!!!!!
It's just that your problem is hard... much easier to think you got the problem, that's easy to solve....
Sigh.....
It's difficult to change your wife's attitude from behind this computer screen, especially since we can't see what is going on her mind.
Very few women are addicted to pornography. Women usually do "love" not "mindless sex". Usually when women are selfish and avoiding things like this, they are angry and feel they are getting a bad deal in the relationship.
Have you tried to romance her. Tell her she's pretty, buy flowers and gifts, treat her like a girlfriend and take her out for dates. This can work sometimes if women think they are not loved and adored.
As you can see, I have no clear idea about what is really going on in your wife's mind, or why she is treating you like this. All I know, is your a husband who care's enough to write here, spill his guts, take insults and put up with a woman behaving selfishly..
In my book, that's a damn fine man.... why can't she see what she's got, before you get fed up and the marriage is completely destroyed...
I'm so sorry, her mind is a closed book, and you've done everything and more to try to get her to open up and try to make your marriage work.
Please keep us updated about your situation, that would be nice. Also, is there any women around her that you can trust. I know it's embarrassing to go to her women friends and family, but maybe they could explain why she is acting this way and put in a good word on your behalf.
I don't see things getting better because she has no wish to co-operate... I feel sad for you both, such a waste, when you could be happy and in love and celebrating the baby coming.
Big hugs, sorry I couldn't be more help.. all you can do is your best, try to get her to go counselling with you, because she's silly not to realise that your marriage is in big, big problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question1. How is it hypocritical that since my WIFE will not give me any kind of sexual affection? I look at porn every once in awhile to take care of my needs? I didnt look at it when she actually had sex with me. she turned to it way before I started looking at it.
2. I understand she is pregnant, that is why i have not really made a big deal out of this, but she started not wanting to have sex before she was pregnant, and as soon as she found out she was pregnant cutting me off....to me it seems like she it using it as a excuse. But I completely understand that she might not want to since shes pregnant, but looking at porn everyday, obviously she still gets in the mood.
She use to enjoy sex, thats the only reason we got together in high school, because thats all we did was have sex, and it was great. it just got down to a point where she was too lazy to do anything except missionary and it kinda went from there.
As far as the 3 some goes, its been over 4 years now? as far as i know she was never really mad about it, she just didnt want to do it again cause she didnt like it. I dont think she held it against me, since she was the one that started the whole thing.
Some of the questions you asked I wouldn't be able to answer since they are referring to her feelings, which she is hardly ever honest about her feelings.
It really bothers me that you assumption is that im selfish, I have a wife who doesn't give me any more affection then you would a roommate, but im selfish? Or the fact that since i go to work earlier then her and get off before her I for the most part, keep the house picked up, do the dishes, do the laundry on the weekends, and cook dinner every night, but im selfish? Or a few times since she has cut me off I wanted to make sure she was satisfied, I gave her oral sex and received nothing except blue balls, but yet, im selfish??
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 August 2010):
Wait a second.. 1. You look at pornography too... sounds hypocritical to me... her porn is wrong, but yours is fine.2. She's still pregnant and in pain, and your bitching about your sexual needs...I asked you several questions, does she enjoy sex with you, is she still resentful about the group sex, ect.... none of which you actually answered...I think I can see what's going on by your response.. your here to rant about your bad life, the fact that your wife is pregnant, in pain, may hate sex with you, and looks at porn, JUST LIKE YOU DO, none of this matters... All that matters is YOUR NEEDS AND WHAT YOU WANT.Yep, old story, sounds like selfish man from here, wanting cake and wants to eat it all for himself and gets angry if anyone else finds the crumbs. I have a feeling that she's turning to pornography because she is angry and fed up with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as me watching porn, I don't watch it as often as her, but I have to take care of my needs? Its not like I'm lookin at it and not wanting to have sex. that bugs me because she trys to say the same thing, that's their is no telling what I look at.
Its hard just to leave woth a kid, and on top of, we have been together since high school(6 years)
Also, that's why I can't talk to her, she trys to say I look at porn, or I do this or that, blah blah. Just tries to dig excuses up to change the blame. Anytime I get mad at her, it doesn't last long because I start having to defend myself from her crazy ass accusations.
I just don't know what to do, I'm going insane, she got mad at me this morning I cut off some of her porn time cause I was running late to work so lost 10 mins and she made sure to bitch at me about it, then when I texted her on my way to work she said she was too busy getting ready to text lol, when I knew exactly what she was doing. She won't admit what she does unless we are face to face and I have to badger her. Pretty shitty
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Yes this sounds like a really bad situation. I said if you look at a LOT of porn it does make you a hypocrite. Not if you're masturbating a bit to take care of your needs. I know there's a kid involved, but you may just have to give her an ultimatum. Go to counseling, or you'll leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as me watching porn, I don't watch it as often as her, but I have to take care of my needs? Its not like I'm lookin at it and not wanting to have sex. that bugs me because she trys to say the same thing, that's their is no telling what I look at. Its hard just to leave woth a kid, and on top of, we have been together since high school(6 years)Also, that's why I can't talk to her, she trys to say I look at porn, or I do this or that, blah blah. Just tries to dig excuses up to change the blame. Anytime I get mad at her, it doesn't last long because I start having to defend myself from her crazy ass accusations. I just don't know what to do, I'm going insane, she got mad at me this morning I cut off some of her porn time cause I was running late to work so lost 10 mins and she made sure to bitch at me about it, then when I texted her on my way to work she said she was too busy getting ready to text lol, when I knew exactly what she was doing. She won't admit what she does unless we are face to face and I have to badger her. Pretty shitty
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2010):
Her saying you have no right to get mad or "snoop" and refusing to acknowledge that you have an issue is childish and quite frankly a way for her to maintain control. You have every right to feel upset (so long as you aren't also looking at tons of porn, which would make you a bit of a hypocrite) that she's picking porn over you. In your sort of situation I'd normally say you may just have to leave if she refuses to talk about it and continues to put the blame on you. However, since there is a kid involved you're right to fight harder to keep everything together. I think you need to really demand that she talk about it with you/go to counseling or you will leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies! I guess i did not say it clear, but she is still pregnant, that is the only reason we are still together and im not saying anything about it. I really wish i could talk to her about it, but after i did the last time she made it very clear that i needed to quit looking at what she was looking at, and that I dont have the right to get mad??
Also, she doesnt fantisies about a 3-some she just means her and another women, nothing about me in there.
I have already wrote a 2 page note about all this to her and didnt really phase her.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
There is so much going on in your post it's very difficult to answer (needs me coffee.. will be right back)
Right lets get things clear...
1. You have no problem with pornography neither does your parter, you watch it alone and together. You also have no problem with private or mutual masturbation.
2. Your wife's porn usage has increased to the point that it's destroying your sex life together. She won't have sex without pornography and would rather look at pornography alone than have sex with you.
3. She is having pains in her vaginal area. She had this before and after the baby was born.
4. She's looking at pornography daily.. and is angry if you challenge her, but admit that she might have a problem and counselling is needed.
5. Not only has the sex stopped, but so has the romance. There are no kisses, no touches and you are feeling lonely and beginning to resent and dislike her. Resent breeds resentment and this is making your relationship poor.
6. She enjoys lesbian pornography and she has fantasies about a threesome involving another woman.
7. You and her have already tried a threesome, she hated it and became jealous.
8. She likes you to give her oral sex but will not return the favour. Even though she knows you are faithful and miss her touch, she is not considerate enough to give you oral sex that would help you feel loved and help relax you.
9. The doctors have found nothing to help with her vaginal pain.
Is that it... So many things could be wrong.
A)You and her need to talk. NO MORE PORNOGRAPHY TOGETHER, it's not bringing you closer, she uses it and leaves you out.
B) She needs to go back to the doctor and sort out these pains. I have no idea what is wrong, but it could be anything. She needs to get this sorted before it leaves her infertile... get them to run more tests, it could also be psychological, but whatever it is, I am very worried for her.
C) The lesbian porn is just fantasy.. she's bi-curious, she has no intention of doing anything with a woman.
D) She may not enjoy sex with you. Ask her if something is wrong with your technique. Also the pain may be stopping her from enjoying penetrative sex, but that's no reason to avoid oral. By refusing you oral sex she is being very selfish.
You need to take her to marriage counselling. She could be addicted to pornography but I don't think so. She also needs to go to her doctor and ask to see a gynaecologist for her pain. Leave her with her pornography for now, but it is unfair for her to expect you to be in a sexless marriage. If she wants to remain a wife, then she has a duty to make sure you have a sex life. She should be giving you oral sex, kisses, hugs, and you should be spending quality time together.. these are the minimum things a woman should do as part of the marriage contract.
Don't try to remove the pornography from her life at the moment. The reason why is because it creates arguments, and it's an argument that is hiding the real issues.
You need to ask her..
1) Has she enjoyed having sex with you, and if she does why does she avoid you and turn to porn. Pain isn't enough, you can masturbate her and give her oral sex.. Pornography doesn't explain the lack of hugs and kisses.
2) Is she a lesbian, would she prefer to have a woman lover and thus finds sex with men disgusting?
3) What does she think marriage is about? Is it fair for her to expect you to remain faithful and sexless.
DO NOT FIGHT WITH HER, DO NOT ARGUE, just ask her these questions and see if she will talk to you truthfully about what is going on with her body and her mind. Then get her to book a doctors appointment, and you find out where you can find the nearest marriage guidance counsellor. If she has a pornography addiction the marriage guidance counsellors will deal with it.
Your problems are too deep to deal with here. Another issue springs to mind, is she still angry and resentful towards you over the threesome. Women have what we call a "slow boil", they may not react badly straight away, but can stay resentful and angry for a long time and hurt you in this "passive aggressive way".
If she won't go marriage counselling, then please go on your own. If she won't help fix your marriage then you have no marriage at all, and will soon be looking for an affair or for a divorce.
Hope some of this helps, we'd love you if you could update your post after you've talked to your wife.
Also please show her what you wrote here, and also show her our answers. It might help if she writes down here what she is feeling, if she can't say it to you. Writing can sometimes take the hurt and anger out of the issue.
We look forward to hearing back from you, and hope things go well and you and your wife communicate in an open, honest and non-judgemental way. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 August 2010):
Well could be one of two things. One, something about your sex life is unsatisfying. Or two, she's developing/developed an addiction. It sounds like the second one, due to the fact that when you do have sex she's acting selfish and like she wants to get it over with. I would seriously consider taking her to counseling so you two can talk about how to fix this. This is not your fault, so don't blame yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Sounds like you married the wrong woman dude. Some women are for fun, and very few are the marrying type.
Pull out your, "Friends" DVDs and think about Ross!
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