A
male
age
36-40,
*23Guy
writes:So I've been in a relationship for 12+ years. Me and her have three beautiful kids together...two boys and my baby girl. We've been going through a rough patch over the last few months, I found out she somehow got in contact with someone from her past and she pretty much admitted that she really likes the guy. Of course, that sh*t hurt, hearing those words coming out of her mouth. But none the less, It is what it is. Until now, I don't understand why and how she could like the dude this much when "supposedly" they never made any contact in person...just emails and text messages. Now let me remind you that we've split twice for a whole year in the past, and I think, this is where she is pulling these feeling from...thats my best guess. But me being the nice person i was brought up to be...I told her that I would be willing to work things out and help her through the situation she was in...I dont want to see our kids grow up in two different house holds and I dont want to lose my wife. I dont know what to do because now she is telling me that she wants time to herself but she doesnt want to leave me, we are going to continue to live with each other but kind of like friends I guess. I know it sounds dumb...and she didnt say the whole friends part but thats what I translated from all that was said. She said she needs to give herself some time to feel better about herself cuz she's hurt me so much and wants to put our relationship on hold until she feels better about it. She also said that she does not and will not even think of separating, that this would be strictly time for herself....now with all that said. How the heck am I suppose to react to that? Sex is off limits too...and lets be real...sex for me plays a big roll in a relationship...and I know we are giving our relationship a break, but what should do? I dont want to go out and get with a wife and kids at home. I wouldn't feel right.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2013):
 I’m not saying she’s cheating on you now. I sense that she would not do that. I also get the idea that she wants “alone time” and a “separation” so she can pursue this other fellow guilt free.
YOU guys have been together a long time over very formative years and sadly many relationships do not survive this. What you want at 14 is not what you want at 18 and that’s most definitely not what you want at 28 or so.
I still stand by my thoughts that she wants PERMISSION to ‘sow her wild oats’ So now you have to decide if you are willing to let her have her “separation” so she can find out she loves you and that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
It’s a huge risk but what other option do you have?
I know you love her but you can’t go on like this forever and if you don’t “let that pony run” you will have a wife who will forever be struggling with her discontent and wonder.
If it was me, I would push her to the wall. Pack up. Move to the hotel (or family or friends)
Do not ask her what to do. Do not get her permission. You pack up and tell her ‘I can’t take the awkward silence and you’re not wanting me to be part of your life now, go do what you need to do and if I can cope and you want me back, I’ll come back. Know that you risk losing me forever since I may not deal well with your behaviors while we are apart.”
Force her hand and make her choose. Huge risk. You may lose, but it's better than living like this forever, and in truth if she's that uncertain, it will only get worse as you get older. Better to know NOW while you are both young enough to move on to new partners.
A
male
reader, 323Guy +, writes (4 April 2013):
323Guy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we've been back and forth about this whole Idea...I told her that if she wanted some alone time, I would gladly leave and go stay at a hotel for a couple weeks...she said that that was not going to happen cuz she didnt want that on her chest. So my question to her was...what do you plan on doing these next couple of weeks to make yourself feel better about yourself? She couldnt answer that one for me. I told her that as her hubb i should be there to help her AS HER HUBB not just some person she lives with. Im not 100 percent convinced she's trying to have an affair...I know all of her whereabouts and shes never late home from work or early to leave to work. She calls me when she goes to lunch, on her way home from work...and on her way to work. It sounds crazy but the communication is great. except now that i know she's wants time to herself and put our relationship on hold...every single conversation I have with her is soooo awkward. Theres always that dead silence for a couple seconds. What to do, what to do?
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A
male
reader, 323Guy +, writes (4 April 2013):
323Guy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNooo....She's not a SAHM...She works as much as I do. As a matter of fact...all this BS started soon enough after she began to work.Im 28 years old...shes 26...We got together at the ages of 15 and 14.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): I agree, she is trying to get permission to have an affair.
Just to find out, ask her if she will agree to a separation where you both do not date or sleep with any other people. Watch how fast she will probably reject that idea. That tells you what you need to know.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2013):
she wants permission to have an affair....
plain and simple...
she's been with you 12 years
you are 29 at most that means 17 for you so how old was she?
if she wants to feel better about herself suggest therapy.
having an affair will make it worse.
I think her plan sucks
tell her to fish or cut bait
either you are a committed couple or you are splitting up.
she wants her cake and to eat it too.
personally she's not going to back down..I assume she's a SAHM and you support her... no wonder she wants this...
NOT a good thing. BT W kids growing up in two homes with both homes having loving parents is not horrible.
Kids growing up in a home where mommy and daddy fight and are clearly just there for the kids and not each other.. HORRIBLE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): I am in almost the same situation as you...been married 12 years, 3 kids, wife went sort of nuts and wanted to separate. I knew she sort of liked a guy she worked with because I found texts, etc. But she said she just wanted time to "herself" to think things out. For 2 months I pleaded, begged, asked for her to reconsider. It annoyed her, it made me feel weak. One morning I woke up, walked into the kitchen where she was at and said okay, you want to have time to yourself, have it. I said I was fine before I met you, fine while we were together, and will be just fine without you. At first she was shocked, acted mad and she did move out. But now, less than a month later, after I have kept along with this attitude, she wants to reconcile and regrets her mistakes. Now I am in control of the situation. What I am saying is don't plead or be too nice. This is her issue man! Call her bluff! It's not your fault. Don't be a doormat. Don't cater to this irrational behavior of hers.
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