A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay. So I've been married to this girl for about 3 years now. And we're both in our mid thirties. Her sister lives with us. Which is fine with me because they're extremely close and I personally think it's cute. Here's the thing though. My wife gets this crazy idea in her head usually at 2 in the morning to take her phone, headphones ID and go for these long walks in her pajamas. (You know pants and a t shirt) If she goes with her sister she'll tell me. If she doesn't she'll run off and put her phone in airplane mode to recreate the times where you could go for long walks and no one could track you. She doesn't tell me when she's doing it. Now I know she's not cheating. She comes back and goes to sleep. Nor does she take more than 5$ with her. Ive gone out to track her down and found her walking on the sidewalk in the metropolitan city we live in. Then she runs off because well I don't know. I tried talking to her about it and she's just like I want to be free and sometimes she flat out admits it's funny. Her and her sister both look like teenagers so the entire thing is even worse. The entire thing is affecting her sister more than me because she wishes she didn't go alone and she gets upset. But I really don't mind if she's running off because I think it makes her feel fearless but I wish she'd tell me first instead of playing this strange game. What should I do? She also says it's an impulsive thing that she thinks of 10 minutes before hand and she doesn't want to wake me up. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 BTW, I've acted in similar ways as this, which is what I am basing my answer on. In those cases it was because I felt my boyfriend was too clingy/needy and wouldn't leave me alone. The other acting out I'd do, if my movements were restricted and I was not to do as a pleased (such as walking whenever I god damn pleased without having to give notification) was to act out with anger and violence.
So, my advice to get her to stay in bed, if that is what you want, is to ignore her. Don't ask her where she went, what she did, don't give it any attention. Ignore what she does , don't approach her, and let her come to you instead.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 March 2016):
Oh yes, she can be kidnapped and burgled and raped and whatnot. She can have all those things happen to her in broad daylight as well. What's up with all this anxiety and overreacting? Someone has been watching too much TV, in my opinion. These things are NOT regularly happening when you walk down the street.... If she is not concerned, then you honestly do not have the right to impose your own fears on her and demand that she should feel afraid as well. She's not fearful, and I don't see why she should be either. It's not like she'd be any more safe from kidnappings and rapes etc if she let the husband know before she went out.
Telling her husband is precisely what would take her freedom away. Being restricted to a park and just sit on a bench is also restricting the freedom.
If you were married to someone in the military who went to war zones, you would ACCEPT the risk involved. Likewise, you must ACCEPT the risk involved in having a wife who likes her freedom and doesn't want people to know her every move. Stop trying to control her, she's not hurting you or anyone else. If anyone is at risk it is on her alone, but I have serious doubts that the risks of being kidnapped are so high where you live that this is a serious concern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): I am the anonymous poster who suggested she might just want time alone. I hope your name is not really Martin, I just used as an example
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): most of the things she does, carrying $5 or less, taking her phone are good safety measures. putting in headphones is not smart in case somebody sneaks up on her. taking off the tracking is not smart in case she comes back too late and somebody kidnapped her, which could happen any time but more likely at night when she is alone. even during the day when there are people around, somebody can still come behind her and catch her unawares, not to mention that's rude anyway in case somebody told her something in passing or tried to say hi to her and felt ignored. she is probably just trying to get alone time which she might not have. if she works 8 hours, commute half an hour both directions, and then lives with you and her sister... there really is no alone time! Of course, she get alone time with a bubble bath provided she isn't in the bathroom for an hour. if he needs this alone time, and she wants to be outside then she can always go to a park and sit alone on the bench reading. if she wants to hear music, she can put in one headphone so nobody else has to hear it but so she is still able to hear the people around her. express your concerns to her, emphasizing safety, and make suggestions for what she can do to get alone time. if she has the compulsion to exercise or just move around, see if anybody is selling an inexpensive treadmill or similar or even trampoline on eBay and find a place in the house where she can use it even at night time. if she insists upon walking alone at night, ask her to at least keep the tracking on and leave a note with what time she left and what time she plans to come back. and she can still wake you or your sister to say I'm going to be walking I will be back in 20 minutes. oh, and you tell her about your concerns, make it clear that you understand she is not doing anything bad so that's not why you are asking. I guess you can ask why she ran off, because that was really rude of her. she simply could have said, "Martin, I really need some time alone to clear my head and this is the only way I can do it."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo. I don't track her at all. She says she wishes it was the 1980s and no one could bother her. I worded it wrong. She does what she wants. I don't stop her. If she told me what she was doing before she ran off I'd be fine with it. I don't have to know where she's going or how long she'll be gone. I just get like what the- when I wake up and she's gone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 March 2016):
How about you stop tracking your wife? She wants freedom, and based on what you write, I can see why. Why would she need to put her phone in flight mode to not get tracked? Who is tracking her? You? Since you say you physically DID track her (once, or several times?) and she RAN AWAY from you...
This is disturbing, why can't you just let the grown ass woman take care of herself and do what she pleases. She has told you loud and clear she needs freedom. She is lacking freedom! If she had more freedom in and over her life, she probably wouldn't need to go on these random strolls in the middle of the night.
Let me put it this way, have you ever had a hamster? It'll chew and chew on it's cage. It doesn't chew because it likes the taste of metal. It chews because it's the last resort in order to try and break free.
My guess is, your wife doesn't go on nightly walks and shuts off her phone because she enjoys it so. She does it because it is her last resort, her last grasp of freedom.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 March 2016):
 Does she feel constrained in marriage? Her life? Pressured to do things she dislikes? Anxiety or panic attacks so the walk is a release? She fears her performance in life so compensates by feeding "fearlessness"? What does aimless roaming compensate for her?
It is obviously not fitness that she is interested. The fact that it is ritualistic - same time, same gear, probably same music, same behavior - is some compensatory mechanism. Compensatory behaviors are either a coping mechanism in anxieties or a release of some form of a compulsion.
Her behavior, as you describe it, is rather compulsive, so I suggest you explore the psychology of it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2016): I think you just need to tell her that you don't mind her doing what makes her happy but that its just a safety issue. You may also want to ask her if their is anything bothering that may make her want to be "free". She could also just genuinely enjoy taking longs walks which is okay, but not really practical at 2 in the morning. I myself as a guy rather not go at those times for obvious safety reasons.
You may just want to talk to her and tell her that it would be better if she makes a schedule so that you would know the nights she wants to go out or how long she might be just to ease your mind. You could also ask her to do it in the day time or maybe be join her at night if possible. This sounds stressful for you man, hope it works out.
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