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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 7 years, my wife is 8 months pregnant, and I have been having an affair for 6 months. Not to mention the 4 year old and 2 year old I have at home. I have spent years unhappy, trying in vain to make little changes - different job, new home, new car, vacations, new toys - in the hopes that they would make me happy. Nothing has. I have withdrawn from my wife, my family, and my "friends" who I never really felt close to. I feel like I have settled for everything in my life (except my children whom I adore), and I want MORE - I want an intellectual, stimulating, mutually beneficial relationship. I have been to counselling, which was somewhat helpful, but learned nothing new. I am not fulfilled in my relationship with my wife. She is a good person, but I feel no romantic or intellectual connection with her anymore. I never really did - I married her because she would have me and I felt it was the right thing to do. I severely lacked confidence back then, which is a problem I have dealt with over the years. This third child was not expected.As for the "affair", we both hate it and love it. We have talked about how it is not real, but no matter how fake it sounds, we both know that we have a very unique bond that, in a better time and place, would have been everything either of us had dreamed of. I can't let go of her - I don't want to. I want badly to be with her, to share a life with her. But at what cost? I feel unable to hurt my wife on the one hand, but I do not treat her well anymore, and will I ever be able to live with myself if I accept mediocrity? Which regret will be worse?
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 December 2006):
 You are restless and want adventure and you have found a measure of it with an affair. But don't loose sight of what is really important. Those kids deserve to be happy too....and you are still making them....while thinking you want to leave.
Kids are a burden to a relationship....they change things....but that does not mean that they have to spoil things.
You are 100% responsible for your own thoughts and feelings. You are responsible for how you look at your life and what you tell yourself about your life. Right now your telling yourself that you are not happy...so your not. Your telling yourself that you have settled for less than you want.....so you feel restless.
This is an exercise I want you to try.
Sit down and pretend your entire family has died in some terrible accident. mourn....stir up all the guilt and shame and tears you can. Then sit down and think of all the things you wish you could have told your wife....what would you have done for her that you did not. Now you will never have the chance to.......(fill in the blank)
Think of what you would tell your children....what games do you wish you had played with them.....what will you miss seeing the very most. What will Christmas feel like now that they are all gone and you are left behind.
Make a list of every little thing you can think of that you will never get to have, do, be, see....now that your family is no more.
now look very hard at that list....because if you leave them because you WANT to....you still will have to give up many of those things. Being a father is a gift. Having a family is a gift. Just because you have it right now does not mean it can not all melt away in an instant due to tragedy or your foolish choices.
Now this time...it was just an exercise....you get to wake up and make up for all the drizzly crap you have heaped upon the gifts you did not appreciate.
Do you really feel you would be better off without them?
List all the advantages to being without them.
And then compare that to the list of the things that would be stolen from you if they were gone.
If you have been honest....you may see your life in a slightly different light and you will realise that you have Settled for something that is pretty wonderful.
Now take that list of all the things you would have done for your wife and kids....AND DO THEM....right now...just a few at a time. Treat them like they are gold and cherish every moment you get to spend with them. Then in one year....reevaluate your situation. You may find that when you cherish your family you are cherished back and all the rest is just not so important.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): I think I agree with writer. You should give your wife a chance. I don't think you've ever given her one. You married her because she would have you. (Sad) I think you have never thought about your wife the whole time you have been with her and Im sure she deserves more than that. She has been raising your children jprobaly keeping the house clean etc. and you have been off fooling around.
Maybe you need to look at your wife in a different light. Take her out, find out what she enjoys, spend some time enjoying eachother. and if you can't do that then leave because no-one deserves to be cheated on expecially if they are doing everything for your children and you.
Also let me remind you that your wife is eight months pregnant. So How is she dealing with being pregnant taking care of the kids and probably he intuition has kicked in a little and she has a feeling of what your doing.
And your cheating! So Sad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): Dear it is quite unfortunate that you are going about with a broken heart. according to your question, you want to be happy, but for you to do that, you have to steal from his basket of privacy. I will advice you to break into her cell phone number to find out if there is any other man who is beating the busic she is dancing. I myself when my x-boyfriend who want to marry me is cheating on me I did the same only to find out that he is dating my close friend. I wish you good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): I have been having affair myself for six months.he finished it because he felt guity to his wife and kids,and proberbly is in the same situation as you.i can understand how unhappy you must be,as i was unhappy for a few years with my own partner and in the end i knew the best thing to do was to end the relationship with him.i know this is going to be hard but i think you should stay with your wife at least until the baby is born,then you need to make a decision if to leave or not.Only its not fair on her having affairs.Are you still with the women you are having the affair with?if things dont workout with her i think you should make a life of your own.
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